Scream Queens “Blood Drive” Review (Season 2 Episode 6)

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On the latest episode of “Scream Queens,” the staff participated in a no-holds-barred competition to win a “Blood Drive”- and an all-expenses-paid trip, while Zayday closed in on the identity of the 1985 baby and potential identity of the Green Meanie, we finally saw what Hoffel was up to and Hester tried to help the latest patient with a mystery illness.

We began with Munsch declaring a blood shortage, not exactly helped by Chanel #3’s clueless attempt to “recycle” blood she got from the aftermath of the Green Meanie’s victims, which was all contaminated with debris like pennies and a dead mouse! Expert phlebotomist Chanel suggested the obvious: a blood drive.

Seeing an opportunity, Hoffel, perhaps unwisely, maxed out her credit cards to make the drive into a contest, with the winner getting a trip to the dubiously-named Blood Island. As the place was hardly an oasis of sunshine and happiness, being in a war zone filled with man-eating spiders, rancid water and an active volcano, Hoffel hoped that one of the Chanels would win, and take the others, hopefully to meet their doom. (If this sounds vaguely familiar, then you must have seen “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.”)

A big problem: Munsch determined to also win the contest by any means necessary, which meant she wasn’t the least bit above playing dirty. Although, this was hardly the only problem with this plan, mind you. Why didn’t Hoffel get a sponsor to cover the costs? Or declare that only the underling staff were eligible, and not the administrators, which would have taken out the Munsch issue?

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For someone who claimed to want to be the “brains” of the operation to take down the hospital- or at least the Chanels- she clearly isn’t thinking things through. (We’ll get to her equally clueless cohort later on.) Then again, this is “Scream Queens” we’re talking about, where, for all the clever dialogue going on, quip-wise, the main writing staff aren’t exactly a brain trust their own selves, so there you go.

We do discover Hoffel’s motive, however. It seems that her sister was none other than Agatha Bean, the maid at the Chanels’ former sorority house that they “accidentally” killed- and got away with doing so. As such, she doesn’t just want to kill the Chanels, she wants to do it slow and torturously. It also explains why she has no interest in killing Zayday, who wasn’t involved.

Speaking of which, in light of the blood drive, Zayday has an epiphany: if she can get a sample of Jane’s blood, she can use it to eliminate who ISN’T the 1985 baby by comparing it to the hospital staff. However, Jane proves to be uncooperative, sending Zayday back to square one- but not Chamberlain. He instead comes up with a bizarre strategy which I don’t claim to know whether it makes sense or not.

He approaches Jane and asks her if she wants a free pie. When she says yes, he then tells her that the pie is full of worms! She naturally spits it out and he takes said pie back to hospital headquarters and somehow uses that to determine her blood type. He determines that both Jane and her husband were both O+ blood types, which means that the baby is as well.

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This, in turn, gets Chamberlain off the hook, as this is not his blood type- or so he says at least. Mind you, we’re taking all of this at face value and at Chamberlain’s word, who is, after all, a suspect in the killings. Zayday knows this, and as such, should have demanded to double check his findings, but she’s so happy he’s “cleared” that she doesn’t do anything of the sort. Oh well- so much for her being the “smart” one.

Meanwhile, Chanel determines she’s actually going to take Brock to Blood Island, much to Hoffel’s chagrin, who expected her to take the other Chanels. Brock, however, is hesitant, not sure if Chanel is the most trustworthy sexual partner. When she tries to seal the deal by sleeping with him, he demands she take a barrage of STD tests to make sure she’s clean- some 217 of them!

Remarkably, she agrees, but Munsch gets wind of it and, seeing an opportunity to jettison Chanel’s chances to win the blood drive, intentionally messes with the results by switching out her blood sample with the most disease-ridden blood imaginable. Hoffel and Munsch then gather Chanel and Brock together to tell them that Chanel basically has ALL the STDs!

As such, it’s possible she might have contaminated the blood she has gathered thus far, so all of it is determined to be ineligible for the contest, putting Chanel back to square one. Not to mention, putting the brakes on her burgeoning relationship with Brock, big-time, who now won’t have anything to do with her. Hoffel, on her end, freaks out because this puts a wrench into her own plans.

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Chanel also confesses that the girls have been harboring Hester for some time now and that she is starting to get all potentially murdery. As such, she needs something to do, stat, to keep her occupied so that she doesn’t kill anyone. Though miffed Chanel kept it from her, Munsch agrees to help, assigning Hester to try and cure one of the new patients: Brandon (August Emerson, “Halt and Catch Fire”), who thinks he’s a vampire and has the symptoms to prove it.

Brandon has an aversion to garlic, an extreme sensitivity to direct light- his skin reacts adversely to it- he has actual fangs and he loves the taste of blood. Munsch makes Hester a deal- if she can cure him, she can remain free, but if not- it’s back to the cage for her. Hester takes the deal and gets to work on researching what could possibly cause all this to happen.

She comes up with non-acute porphyria, which is sadly incurable, but which explains all of Brandon’s symptoms, save one: his love of drinking blood. Attributing that to his just being good old-fashioned crazy, she determines to cure him of that, at least, knowing more than a few things about being crazy pants her own damn self.

To that end, she uses a form of aversion therapy intended to make Brandon sick of drinking blood by giving him as much of it as possible. No wonder this hospital is low on blood, with all of the shenanigans going on here! Eventually, Hester runs out of it, and has to resort to using Chanel’s contaminated blood on the fly, when she spies Chamberlain about to throw it out.

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This brings a revelation to light, when Hester tests it, just in case, which was nice of her, considering, you know, she likes killing people and all. Turns out that Chanel’s blood wasn’t contaminated, after all, and that she’s clean and doesn’t have any STDs, much to Chanel’s relief- and Brock’s. Of course, Chanel’s no fool, and knows right away that it must have been Munsch who did it, and vows to get revenge on her.

On the bright side, sort of, she’s now eligible again to participate in the contest, so she redoubles her efforts to win. After draining poor Chanel #5 to the point where she can’t even move- it seems like all the girls are hitting her up for blood as well, including Zayday (15 pints in three days!)- Chanel sets her sights on the newbies, in particular Chanel #9, aka the Goth Chanel, who is hesitant to do so, having a fear of needles.

Chanel reassures her she’s the best at drawing blood and insists Chanel #9 come with her to the hospital, which she begrudgingly agrees to do. Shockingly, Chanel is as good as her word, and the blood drawing goes off without a hitch, with Chanel #9 unaware it even happened before it was over, so skillful is Chanel at what she does.

The problem arises when, after setting up Chanel #9 to give a fair amount of blood, she leaves the room to talk to Brock, leaving her all alone. Seizing the opportunity, the Green Meanie comes in, with the intention of draining poor Chanel #9 of ALL of her blood. However, he is interrupted by none other than Hoffel, who demands he reveal himself.

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Sure enough, it’s Dr. Cascade, which wasn’t exactly a surprise, as we already knew from last week that he was the 1985 baby. However, it turns out I was correct in thinking there was likely more than one killer, as Cassidy admits it wasn’t him that was doing all the killing and that he doesn’t know who the other killer is. In fact, he thinks it’s Hoffel before she says otherwise.

Hoffel says she’s on his side, and only wants one thing- to take down the Chanels herself. Cassidy readily agrees, as he says the girls are “hard to kill,” which would seem to indicate that he was the one who took down Denise and Chanel #5 on Halloween, not entirely successfully. He allows Hoffel to help with Chanel #9, making it her first “official” kill.

Later on, Cassidy gives Hoffel her very own Green Meanie costume, and the two walk off into the fluorescent sunset together, no doubt to tackle more killing, though that’s where the episode ends, so we don’t see what happens next. However, before that, Chanel takes credit for the blood drained from Chanel #9, which gives her enough blood to win the contest, much to Hoffel’s relief- at first.

When it turns out that the plane over to Blood Island is a commercial flight, Chanel balks and demands a charter private plane. But Hoffel can’t afford all that, so Chanel demands she get the cash equivalency instead, so that she can go where she wants, which means Hoffel’s plan completely backfired in the end. Oh well. It wasn’t exactly the most well-thought-out plan in the first place, though it might have been amusing to see the Chanels fend for themselves on Blood Island!

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Also, when Cassidy gets wind that Zayday is close to ID-ing him as the 1985 baby, he switches out the blood type stickers from his own to Brock’s, making it look like he’s the actual one instead. Of course, this doesn’t make any logical sense, as Brock himself points out when Munsch and company confront him about it. In addition to the blood type being common, if he was the baby in question, he’d be 30, which Brock obviously isn’t.

That was about it for this episode, and needless to say, there was a whole lot of stuff here that didn’t add up or make any sense whatsoever, and shouldn’t have made sense to the characters at hand, either, as dopey as many of them can be. Of course, I’ve long ago acknowledged that this show is basically a live-action cartoon, so it’s not as if I expect intelligence from the proceedings in the slightest, so I’m going to let it slide, as much as it pains me to do so.

Besides, it was, at the very least, all pretty entertaining, with the usual ever-quotable dialogue and amusingly ridiculous scenarios. The take-down of Chanel by Munsch was delightfully over-the-top, I dug Chanel #9’s tunnel-vision “needle cam,” where she paranoidly saw Chanel wielding a massive needle towards her; and Emma Roberts and John Stamos’ reaction shots to all that STD business were just priceless, as was Roberts’ delivery of the line “I am such a good person.”

I should also give a shout out to the fun turn by Lea Michele, who was finally given something worthwhile to do and seized the opportunity with a wackily unhinged performance as she determined to cure Brandon of his bloodlust, by any means necessary. Hopefully, the show will give her more to do moving forward, as she has mostly been wasted this season, save the amusing bits when she was in prison and making like Hannibal Lecter.

All in all, a pretty decent episode, warts and all. As per usual, we’ll end the proceedings with a look at the music and my fave quotes from the episode. Enjoy!

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Song List

“Only You”– Yazoo (plays as Chanel tries to unsuccessfully seduce Brock)

“O Fortuna” (from “Carmina Burana”)- Carl Orff, taken from the “Excalibur” soundtrack (plays as Munsch declares Chanel ineligible for the blood drive contest and they fight)

“Aloha”– Dick Walter (plays as Chanel wins the contest)

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Favorite Quotes

Munsch, after Chanel suggests a blood drive: “It’ll be wonderful PR for the hospital and we can spin the murders in a positive way.”
Chanel: “Exactly! ‘We’ve lost a lot of blood, so donate yours!'”

Hoffel, on her reasons for not having taken a life yet: “Unless you’re a Baltimore police officer, you can’t just kill people.”

Chanel, taking Brock’s blood: “Just a little prick.”
Munsch, observing: “The only one in here, I can guarantee you that.”

Munsch, on the reasons why Brock should forgo having sex with Chanel: “Honestly, Brock, I think you’re safer putting your penis in a wood chipper or a land mine than having sex with Chanel.”

Chanel, on Brock’s hesitancy to have sex with her: “I know, at first, touching me feels like, you know, making out with a 13-year-old boy, but I promise, once I get my clothes off, I am super feminine!”

Brock, on having sex with Chanel: “I mean, if I didn’t have feelings for you, I’d just strap on three condoms and hope for the best, but with you, I’d like to try two.”

Chanel, after Hester complains about the lack of good TV in their apartment: “We’re Millennials- no one has cable.”

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Hester, assessing Brandon at first glance: “I don’t need to look at your chart to tell you that you suffer from an acute case of ‘douchey guy that thinks dressing like a vampire is sexy.’ Well, let me cure you right now and tell you that it’s not. Because, unless your 90’s Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, you just look like Corey Feldman.”

Hoffel, helping summarize Chanel’s test results: “[It’s] not a disease, per se, but there was [also] a crab just floating around in the sample.”

Chanel, expressing her astonishment at said test results: “I don’t understand how this can be happening. I mean, I’ve occasionally used condoms.”

Chanel, assessing Chanel #5’s worthiness as a potential blood donor: “She’s as dry as great-grandma Chanel’s cooch.”

Chanel, defending herself to Brock: “There’s no way I have sexual Ebola or vaginal Zika. I doubt those things are even real.”

Dr. Cascade, explaining why he hasn’t gone after Zayday yet: “I was going to kill her next, but she kind of scares me.”

Brock, reacting to the revelation that Hester gave Brandon Chanel’s discarded blood: “You fed him Chanel’s blood? Geez, you should have just fed him cyanide.”

Brandon, also reacting to said revelation: “Oh! At the moment I have been cured of my need to drink blood and pretend to be a douchey vampire, I’m cursed with being a sexual pariah!”

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That’s all for now! Join me next week, as Holt’s hand goes on a rampage and Hester steps up her game, in “The Hand”!