Scream Queens “The Final Girl(s)” Review (Season 1 Episode 13)

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On the season finale and the last of two back-to-back episodes of “Scream Queens,” (you can find my take on Part One, “Dorkus,” here), we finally got to see who the remaining killer was, as well as who “The Final Girl(s)” were. Given that they saved this for last, you better believe there was more exposition here than in the final third of “Psycho,” so we’ll do quick summarization of the facts, as we got them.

We began with a flash-forward to January of 2016, as we discovered right away who three of the survivors were: Grace, Zayday, Hester and Dean Munsch. It was a special “winter rush” in Kappa House, with Zayday the new president, Grace her vice president and Hester the treasurer. New rules and an overall new outlook on campus had been instilled, but unfortunately, one thing hadn’t changed: the killer was still on the loose.

Yep, as it turned out, the remaining twin and final killer was, in fact, drum-roll, please, and last warning before we get all spoilery up in here…Hester herself, who subsequently laid out all the remaining details of Gigi, Boone and her 20-years-in-the-making nefarious plan. As previously alluded to, the three grew up in an asylum after Gigi suffered a nervous breakdown in the wake of her sister’s suicide. (Never mind that it seems unlikely that the State would let anyone raise babies in an asylum- we were just expected to roll with it.)

The plan actually began in earnest in 2003, after Gigi got it together, so technically it was a twelve-years-in-the-making plan, but I digress. After Gigi schooled the twins in the art of murder for years on end, the time finally came for them to enact their plan. Boone chose his cover story as “being gay,” while Hester opted to go for the whole neck-brace thing, which she stole from a fellow inmate, both thinking that it would be a good way “not to stand out from the crowd.”

Upon seeing the school mascot’s uniform, they found their costume of choice, a la “Cujo’s totally realistic dog costume.” Gigi hunted down the current mascot in question and stabbed him to death, making it their first official victim, and obtaining their costume in the process. They broke in Kappa House and Boone spiked Melanie Dorkus’ tanning solution with acid, and it was off to the races.

Boone simply showed up on campus and started attending classes without actually enrolling (!), then joined the Dickie Dollar Scholars. About a year later, Hester got in officially, despite Dean Munsch recognizing that her background information was completely falsified, because the Dean needed more students with “special needs diversity.” Grace and Zayday befriended her early on, which is why they were never really targeted, and she joined Kappa.

Flash forward to December of 2015, where we discover that Hester shoved the stiletto heel into her own eye in order to frame Chanel #5. The other girls bought into it in short order, due to her flimsy alibi and being “socially awkward and a little bit off-putting” and that “most people find it very difficult to be around her,” by her own admission.

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Enter Denise, who announced that Boone’s body had officially been found, which the girls already knew, closely followed by Hester, who admitted that she falsified her records to cover up the fact that she was home-schooled. She also invited over her “real” parents, Clark and Delight, actors Hester hired to imitate them, but who claimed they were actually CIA agents, hence their background being so secret.

Further, Hester apparently paid off Chanel #5’s actual parents to disown her by claiming to have only adopted her for the “tax deduction,” and that Gigi was her actual foster mother and they’d taken her in while Gigi was in the asylum- which actually would have made more sense than the reality of the situation, come to think of it.

I just loved this touch, as poor Chanel #5 has been put upon for pretty much the entire season for no real reason, and this was just sort of the icing on the “frumpy monster” cake. I mean, to have her parents give up on her with little prompting because she was “bumming them out” was priceless. Bonus points for Chanel’s lackadaisical reaction, as if it were only confirming what she already knew.

Hester then pointed the finger at Chanel #3, who didn’t have an alibi for Deaf Taylor Swift’s death and who she claimed she saw running from the scene of “Predatory Lez” Sam’s murder scene. Hester also presented some evidence in the form of letters from prison from Chanel #3’s real father Charles Manson, which all suggested as words of advice that she should murder her sorority sisters and a letter from her psychiatrist claiming that Chanel #3 had a split personality called “Dirty Helen” who was the leader of a West Coast biker gang!

Finally, Hester set her sights on Chanel herself, naturally, who she claimed bought all the weapons used to kill everyone, including the crossbow used to shoot herself, with a Diner’s Club card, no less! Of course, it was actually Hester posing as Chanel, which she got security footage of to prove. Hester’s “ice-cold logic” was that Chanel joined forces with the other Chanels to knock off the pledges that she deemed not worthy of Kappa, leaving Grace and Zayday alive for “plausible deniability.” She then gave herself a “slow clap” to boot, though no one else joined in!

The Chanels make a break for it, but they’re stopped by a group of former strippers-turned-actual cops that Denise deputized because she could because, yeah, this is that kind of show. (Loved the happy look on Chanel #3’s face as said cops took her down.) Frame, set, match- points go to Hester, who was left sitting pretty on the couch as the others were taken down.

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Flash-forward to May 2016, as Dean Munsch reigned supreme over the campus, having also become a “new new” feminist, best-selling author, and multiple cover girl, including “Time” (“A Munsch to the face!” the cover declared), “Newsweek,” and…wait for it…”Men’s Health.” Denise and Chad resumed their affair until she broke it off to go to Quantico (!), using the words to TLC’s “Waterfalls” to do it, because, you know, full circle and all. Chad vowed to donate the Dickie Dollar Scholar’s proceedings moving forward to “charity”- you know, “all of them.”

Dean Munsch does confront Hester, having figured out she was the actual culprit, but they come to the conclusion that the campus is better off without the Chanels. Besides, by her own admission, Hester only killed Pete, with Boone doing most of the dirty work, and as she points out, Dean Munsch covered up the death of Hester’s real mother and killed her own ex-husband, so they can call it a draw, which they do, in hilariously deadpan fashion.

Meanwhile, Grace has put together a memorial Sophia Doyle “I Just Had a Baby and Don’t Know What to Do” hotline center, which she proudly shows her dad, even though they haven’t received much in the way of calls. Wes agrees to give her a little more leeway in the way of trust, and announces he and Dean Munsch are going to Napa for a vacay to “pretend to make babies.”

As for the Chanels, they were on the verge of being found not guilty when Chanel runs her mouth and the jury changes their verdict on the spot, which is admittedly hilarious. Nice touch with Chanel #3 having her hair in side buns in homage to her mom Carrie Fisher. Ultimately, the judge declared them the “worst human beings he has ever encountered” and sentences them to be sent to an asylum for life. Cue the highly ironic use of “The Breakfast Club” theme, “(Don’t You) Forget About Me” by Simple Minds, as the Chanels are carted away.

The Chanels actually were right at home in the asylum, with Chanel becoming the “House President” of it, Chanel #3 going “full lez” and Chanel #5 getting put on drugs and- gasp!- becoming Chanel’s bestie and the girls eating real food for once, so all’s well that ends well, I suppose. Or does it? As we end the episode, we see Chanel about to be attacked by the Red Devil- is it real? Or is it just a dream? I guess we’ll just have to wait until the next season, if there is one, to find out.

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All in all, it was a genuinely fun ride, and if things got completely ridiculous, over-the-top and unbelievable at times, then that was kind of by design. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, as we bid the “Scream Queens” a fond adieu for possibly the last time, this was nothing if not a cartoon of a show, but ultimately I was good with that. They achieved what they set out to, in my humble estimation, and if some people didn’t like it, well, they didn’t have to watch it, did they?

MVP goes to Emma Roberts, as ever, who delivered some of the craziest monologues I’ve ever heard without breaking a sweat as Chanel, and runner-up goes to Abigail Breslin, who does put-upon better than anyone I’ve ever seen. But really, this was a great ensemble all around, with nary a weak link in sight. Everyone did exactly what they were hired to do, and they did it to perfection. I don’t know if a show like this will win any Emmys or what have you, but it certainly deserves a few nominations at least.

Hopefully, the show will eventually find the cult audience it deserves, which I think will absolutely happen online and/or via streaming, where the show has always done better, ratings-wise anyway. Home video and services like Netflix should only help to spread the good word. Maybe we’ll get lucky and get a second season out of it, because I’d hate to think we’ve seen the last of Chanel and company, but if so, it was a fun ride while it lasted.

As ever, we end with my favorite quotes from the episode.

Favorite Quotes:

Dean Munsch, on her reasons for re-opening Kappa House: “…The new Kappa seems to be aligned so clearly with mine and the rest of the student body’s almost militant commitment to political correctness and acceptance of different and unusual points of view. As long as they’re always left-leaning. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go disinvite Jerry Seinfeld from speaking at commencement. He told a joke about a woman once. Allegedly.”

Gigi, showing the kids pictures of various weapons of mass destruction: “Now this is a hammer. Hammers are good for bashing people in the skull and watching them bleed to death, okay?” (She shows them a picture of a knife, which young Hester readily identifies, then a chainsaw, and asks the advantages of using the latter.)
Hester: “Easily cuts through muscle and bone, and has the added advantage of making sure you victim’s final emotion is terror.” (GREAT delivery on that line from that young actress.)

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Hester, on life in the asylum: “It did get a little lonely there. Sometimes I made friends, but then the next thing you know, they’re getting a full frontal lobotomy.”

Hester, on herself and finding a “cloak of social invisibility”: “Even though I only ate asylum food and never really exercised, I was blessed with a super tight bod. My butt could launch a thousand ships, and my boobs were remarkably perky and even. Couple that with my BJ lips and I was gonna need something pretty spectacular to keep everyone from wanting to get all up in this.”

Hester, on why acid in Melanie’s tanning solution is the way to go, to Boone: “This is more poetic. It hits these girls right in their vanity.”
Boone: “Wait, we’re spraying acid on the furniture? How’s that going to hurt them?”

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Chanel #5, after Chanel charges her with biting her own toenails as a sign of guilt: “Ok, I am flexible. Why would I waste my money buying toenail clippers when God already blessed me with toenail clippers in the form of teeth in my mouth?!!”

Chanel #5’s mother, on her “adopted” daughter: “We tried to love her like her own but, I mean…she’s not great.” (Cut to two weeks earlier.) “As soon as she learned to talk, I wanted to disown her…she just sucks. Our daughter sucks.”

Denise, arresting Chanel #5: “You got the right to remain silent. And you got some other rights that come after that, and I don’t know what they are, ‘cause I don’t remember what I’m supposed to say after “You got the right to remain silent,” but come on!”

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Charles Manson, in a letter to Chanel #3: “Precious daughter, I’m sorry I don’t know anything about yeast infections, but I did see an incredible story on the news about a pizza guy who had a bomb strapped to him. I’m totes sad that I can’t order a pizza to the penitentiary and strap a bomb to the pizza guy, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t.” (Lol on the thought of Manson using the word “totes”!)

Chanel #5, on Hester’s accusations: “This conversation never took place!”
Chanel #3: “Yeah, but if it did, I wouldn’t remember ‘cause you were talking to my evil split personality, “Dirty Helen”…Sam, wherever you are, I’m so sorry my split personality murdered you!”

Chanel #5’s dad, to Hester: “Excuse me; if you’re gonna continue to accuse everyone, could we at least sit down?”

Chanel, to Hester, after being accused: “I’m all for Chanel #5 being the killer. She’s a weird psychopath who would look like Boone’s homely, bloated sister if she let her horrible black roots grow out…and I am 100% not surprised that Chanel #3 is also a psycho with a split personality…but why me? I mean, I am a pillar of this community. I’m also already hot and rich. What would I have to gain by hatching a plan to knock off a bunch of nameless dumb whores?”

Denise, breaking up with Chad: “We got too close to the sun, baby. We shined too bright.”
Chad: “I promise I will never bang anyone the way I banged you.”
Denise: “Boy, you gonna make me cry!”
Chad: “Go, just go!”
Denise: “You don’t want to look back at it? One more time?” (Turns her booty towards him and he looks and cries as she walks away. Best break-up ever.)

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Chad, to a reporter, after she asks which charity he will be donating to: “Okay, you know, I’m not a big fan of ‘gotcha’ questions, dude! My friends are dead! I have nothing left! Nothing! (Brief pause.) Next question.”

Chad’s inscription on the memorial his family donated to the campus: “To our fellow students, we are super sorry that you are dead. We didn’t know all of you that well, but some of you were hot. I always wanted to have sex with a deaf girl. Thank you.”

Grace: “We’ve got to get going, because I am planning a “get your yummies in and feelings out” baking party at the house tonight. We’re gonna make cookies and brownies and eat them while we talk about our feelings.”
Dean Munsch: “Well, that just sounds awful.”

Dean Munsch, confronting Hester: “I know it was you, Hester. I remember that little girl’s face in the bathroom that night. It’s burned into my memory, like Joe Thiemann’s injury and “Two Girls One Cup”.” (You’re on your own for a link to that one.)

Wes, on Grace’s new hotline service: “Well, it certainly is specific…(but) you know, with all the changes that you guys have facilitated all over the campus, maybe the next girl who has surprise twins at a party won’t have to call for help. Her friends will just now know not to let her bleed to death because it’s the right thing to do.”

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Chanel, pleading her case to the judge, who is decidedly not Joe Brown: “Judge Joe Brown, we, the Chanels, hereby declare this trial a farce. I was under the impression that I had the inalienable right to a jury of my peers. Look at these hippos. These are not my peers. I’m a hot, rich, skinny chick, which makes me entitled to a jury of hot, rich, skinny chicks to see how awesome I am and to see that the three of us are innocent!”

Judge, informing Chanel about her parents’ actual feelings towards her: “They also want to sue you for the time that you drove your Range Rover into their living room because you didn’t want to walk all the way up the driveway.”
Chanel (choked up): “It is such a long driveway.”

Chanel, on the asylum: “And now, here we were, about to spend the rest of our lives trapped with a bunch of mentally unstable women totally divorced from any sense of reality and therefore capable of anything. From the second we set foot in that asylum, I knew we were gonna feel right at home.”

Chanel, on Chanel #3’s life in the asylum: “Number 3 went full lez and fell in love with one of the lesbian nurses. I mean, in women’s prison, everyone is sort of lesbian, but Chanel #3 was really going for it.”

Thanks for reading!