Scream Queens “Pumpkin Patch” Review (Season 1 Episode 5)

Scream Queens (FOX) "Pumpkin Patch" Episode 5 (5)

On the latest episode of “Scream Queens,” Chanel’s diabolical plan to get herself elected as president of the sorority continued, as she planned the ultimate party, with all the fixings, in “Pumpkin Patch.” Said accoutrements included “ice sculptures of demonic peeing cherubs” urinating “vodka and Red Bull” and an “exact replica of the maze from “The Shining” with knee-deep snowdrifts,” plus appearances by Maroon 5 and “both” Fergies (as in the singer and the Duchess of York), but not Led Zeppelin, because “one of them died or something.” The costume theme for the Kappas: “the wives of fallen presidents,” with Chanel calling dibs on Jackie O, but of course.

Nor was this the last mention of JFK in the episode, as Chad (Glen Powell) gave a hilarious, Bluto-style (as in John Belushi’s character in “Animal House”) rousing speech about how the Halloween show must go on when Dean Munsch threatened to “cancel” it. I put my favorite quotes from it down below, but I loved how incredibly factually inaccurate all the historic stuff he was going on about was. I’m really beginning to hope Chad doesn’t get it anytime soon, if ever, on the show, because he is far and away one of the funniest characters, arguably second only to Chanel herself.

Naturally, everyone concerned ignored Dean Munsch’s warning to not throw a party and Chanel sent out a hilarious missive declaring that the party would start promptly at midnight on Halloween night, thus technically not breaking any of Munsch’s rules. Meanwhile, a pushed-too-far Chanel #5 (Abigail Breslin) tried to rally the girls into a plot to overthrow Chanel, with an assist from “Candle Blogger” and “ant farm” enthusiast Jennifer, who was all too happy to come on board once she found out how wasteful Chanel was with her expensive candles.

Scream Queens (FOX) "Pumpkin Patch" Episode 5 (4)

Cut to Chanel being arrested in class for the murder of Ms. Bean, followed shortly by a brief-but-hilarious “Orange is the New Black” spoof, in which she learned she had at least one fan in prison. Is it wrong that I wanted this to go on just a hair longer? Maybe if she’s convicted later on, we can have an “Orange is the New Chanel” spin-off. But alas, her time in the pokey was all-too-brief, as Chanel #3 (Billie Lourd) bailed her out with a little help from her fam. So, does that mean she wasn’t the one who narked on Chanel in the first place? Could be. The most likely candidates would seem to be Chanel #5 and Hester (Lea Michele).

We also discovered that Chad had not only been sleeping with Dean Munsch and several of the Chanels, but even Denise Hemphill (Niecy Nash), who liked to role-play with him! (“You have the right to remain sexy.” Lol.) Enter Grace (Skyler Samuels), who was determined to lead a search party to find Zayday (Keke Palmer), who managed to talk Denise into coming onboard, even though she still maintained that Zayday was the killer. Grace, Denise, Pete, Wes and Gigi (who are now officially dating- Grace almost caught them in the act of having sex, in fact) track Zayday’s cell phone’s GPS to an underground lair, where an ongoing “Silence of the Lambs” satire continued.

First, we saw Zayday down at the bottom of a underground shaft, as the Red Devil looked down, dog in hand, a la Buffalo Bill, then, when the crew arrived, he donned the night vision goggles and stalked the crew, with Gigi ultimately taking him down with a taser- but was it to stop him/her or delay him/her?

As we later discovered, it was ultimately to take the heat off of herself, as Gigi faked his/her getting the best of her and escaping, but later on, meeting with him/her to declare they were getting too sloppy for their own good and that “he’s got to go.” Seeing as Gigi genuinely seems into Wes, the only person I can think of that applies to is Pete, who was the only other guy there. I can’t imagine Gigi and her partner see Chad and the Dickie Dollar guys as any kind of valid threat, least of all after making mincemeat of one of them and knocking out Chad himself a few episodes back, but Pete is a little more understandable.

We also saw that, whoever Gigi’s partner-in-crime is, he/she has a crush on Zayday which allowed her to take advantage of the situation and escape, running back to the sorority. Alas, she never got a look at him/her. Might it be the “kitty puncher,” aka “Predatory Lesbian” Sam (Jeanna Han)? Could be. But it could also be Earl Grey (Lucien Laviscount) as well, who we know to have a thing for Zayday, which could explain why he not only didn’t hurt her, but prepared her favorite dish, “Oakland nachos” and wine!

Scream Queens (FOX) "Pumpkin Patch" Episode 5 (1)

The episode death-of-the-week went to another minor character, one of Chanel #5’s famed twins, Dodger, after Chanel #5 picked his brother Roger over him when they pressed her to choose between them. (No more “spit-roasting” for Chanel #5, I guess.) Then they split up after the Red Devil showed up at Chanel’s insisted-upon “Shining” maze, which naturally resulted in a homage to that film, only with a slightly different pay-off, as Dodger was disemboweled rather than ended up freezing to death. Still, it was a fun scene, nonetheless, just like the “Lambs” spoof, even if we just learned the character’s name this episode.

That was about it, really, though. As per usual, we had the fun throwback tunage- this week’s 80’s faves were “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” “Black Velvet” and “You Keep Me Hanging On”- plus the aforementioned horror homages. I will say that I’d rather they raised the stakes sooner than later by taking out one of the bigger names in the cast, something they really haven’t done since Ariana Grande bit it in the two-part premiere.

Not that there’s someone I want to see go, necessarily, just that it would raise the stakes considerably if they went there. In order for a show like this to work beyond making us laugh, they need to give a distinct sense that anything can happen, and that hasn’t been the case for a while now, be that as it may that they’ve kept their word by killing off at least one person per episode. Fortunately, what the show lacks in high profile kills it more than makes up for in laughs, so let’s head on into my favorite lines from the episode.

Scream Queens (FOX) "Pumpkin Patch" Episode 5 (6)

Favorite Quotes:

Chanel on the “artisanal pumpkins” to be displayed at her party: “Love the warty white ones- they look like #5 when she runs out of concealer.”

Chanel #3, on Zayday’s allegedly “fake” kidnapping: “It’s so ‘Gone Girl’.”
Earl Grey: “That is Bullocks!”
Twin #1: “No, you’re thinking of ‘Gravity’.”

Chad, on Halloween: “Every costume is just a slutty version of something- slutty teacher, slutty nurse, slutty nun. I saw a girl last year dressed as slutty Al-Qaeda. Are we gonna deny ourselves the sluttiest night of the whole year…out of fear? Will you look at Caulfield- this dude got his arms sawed off…he’s not hiding out. He is down to rage!”

Chanel, narrating her online post: “Dear Student Body, as you all know by now, Dean Munsch has decided to cancel Halloween. My daddy’s lawyers says there wasn’t time to file an injunction and that I clearly don’t understand what an injunction is if I asked them to file one in this situation.”

Hester: “I’m gonna let you in on a little secret- I’m what you call a ‘switch-hitter’.”
Chanel #5: “Wait, are you bisexual? Because that’s what ‘switch-hitter’ means.”

Chanel, after being arrested: “Oh my God, I’m burping uncontrollably like Robert Durst– they’ll know I’m guilty!”

Hester: “Look, I’m all for Zayday not being tortured or killed or whatever, but don’t you think a girl who wants to be president of this house should be able to prove her abilities by escaping from the lair of a psychopath?”

Chanel, on her dad’s reluctance to help her get out of jail: “And then I asked my dad to bail me out, and he’s all like, we have a big stockholder’s meeting coming up in a couple of weeks, and I’m about to endorse Ted Cruz, so I’d rather not do anything that could get me bad press right now, like being the father of a murderer and stuff, so he needs to pretend I don’t exist. Again.”

Chanel threatening Chanel #5: “I’ll show Roger and Dodger video proof that their hot new girlfriend regularly rubs it out in her room while watching ‘Dora the Explorer’.” (Now THERE’S an awfully specific- and strange- fetish!)

Dodger, giving Chanel #5 an ultimatum to choose between him and Roger: “If you choose my brother, you’ll be choosing his side of the Eiffel Tower, forevermore.”

Chanel #3, on the killer’s lair and where Zayday was held captive: “Did he dig the pit himself? Just wondering where you find a house with a pit. The market for that would be pretty limited.”

Chanel #5, on the killer’s crush on Zayday: “Wait a second, the Red Devil is in love with you? That is so unfair, because it literally took me, like, three years here for a guy to even look at me.”

Zayday, on her escape, to Grace: “You shouldn’t worry about me. I’m like black ‘Die Hard’.”

Scream Queens (FOX) "Pumpkin Patch" Episode 5 (2)

That about sums it up. Join me next week, for Part Three of the ongoing “Halloween” saga, to see who gets elected Kappa president and who bites it next. I have a feeling it’s going to be a good one! Sound off below with your thoughts and predictions and I’ll see you soon!