Scream Queens “Chainsaw” Review (Season 1, Episode 3)

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On the latest episode of “Scream Queens,” as they say, the body count continues, and then some, in “Chainsaw.” Word on the street was that someone was going to get it every week, but we’re actually getting into the vicinity of ten people at this point, if you count deaths in general. On the first two episodes, there was Chanel #2 (Ariana Grande), Deaf Taylor Swift (Whitney Meyer), Ms. Bean (Jan Hoag), the sorority girl who died giving birth, the one who had the acid tanning incident, and the security guard.

Now, as of this episode, you can add Coney, and at least one random Frat guy who got his arms chain-sawed off. That’s eight by my count, assuming that Chad made it out alive, which seemed to be the case, as he was only knocked out. Though his reign was decidedly short-lived, pun definitely intended, Coney, the soft ice cream cone mascot will be missed, because I got a huge kick out of his antics while they lasted, especially the whole snagging the money out of the cash register thing. However, bonus points for killing him off to the music of Wham! That was funny unto itself.

There would have been more deaths, had either Gigi (Nasim Pedrad) or Wes (Oliver Hudson) gotten any closer to that chainsaw, but thankfully, they didn’t. Although, the fact that the killer didn’t kill Wes when he/she easily could have lends credence to my early prediction that he might be in on it. It certainly didn’t hurt matters that his self-proclaimed favorite movie was “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”! Loved that he showed that in class, BTW. I’m guessing that doesn’t get shown in a lot of film classes- or not any of the ones I took, anyway. Would that it had been, though, because I love that movie, too.

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What was confirmed beyond the shadow of a doubt this week was that there is indeed more than one killer out there, and they are definitely working together, as evidenced by the aforementioned Dickie Dollar Club pseudo-massacre. Also, did you notice that Dean Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis) not only insinuated her way into the sorority house, but basically sent Gigi down to her intended death? Which totally would have happened if Wes hadn’t been there? Seems like a teamwork kind of thing to me. Although, also note that the killer only winged Wes a little, when he could have done much worse, obvi, so he could still be involved.

The only problem with all these suspects is that a lot of them seem a little too obvious to actually be right. I mean, Munsch could have been intending to send Gigi to her doom, but she also could have simply wanted the room to herself. Boone could be in on the killing with a partner, but he could also have been taking himself off the potential kill list by faking his death. Pete had access to the costume, but would he really keep it out in the open like that if he were the killer? And so on. I think what “Scream Queens” is up to is a variation of what “Pretty Little Liars” does, which is to take one person and put all the heat on them looking guilty. Instead of that, this show is making damn near everyone look guilty so we don’t know who to suspect.

I did laugh when security guard Denise (Niecy Nash) cited her evidence of Zayday being the killer the fact that she sleeps with a freaking chainsaw under her bed, though. That she claimed her grandmother sent her, no less! Not exactly the handiest weapon to wield on the fly, lol, as Zayday herself found while she was “practicing” grabbing it on the sly. Still, I don’t think it’s her, either. Someone on the net had a clever theory about how it might be the absent Chanel #4, who was ticked off for being given the boot, which is an amusing one as well. I still think it’s the sorority girl’s kid in cahoots with someone. #cahoots!

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Moving on to the ever-quotable dialogue, I honestly don’t know who Ryan Murphy had to slide money to in order to get some of these jokes past the censors, but God bless him for it. I mean, they clearly said “pussy” in a way that wasn’t talking about a cat at one point. That happened, right? I wasn’t having some sort of male equivalent to a hot flash? Not to mention all the female body part-centered jokes in general. My personal favorites include:

Chanel #5, on helping Chanel get to the bottom of who the killer is: “I realized that I’d rather focus my attention this semester on getting spit-roasted by hot golf-Frat twins than help you figure out who’s murdering a bunch of dumb gashes….I got Eiffel Towered by hot morons who are brothers, and now…I’m out.” (Wow, just wow. Take a long, hard look at those sentences: “spit-roasted,” no less! “Little Miss Sunshine” has clearly left the building. And “Eiffel Towered” is now officially my new favorite verb.)

Chad, expressing his affection for Chanel, sort of: “You’re hot…your boobs are symmetrical and you shave your box in a hot way, but you’re responsible for the worst pledge class in the history of the university. At this point, I’m not even sure I could have sex with you.” (With lines like that, here’s hoping Chad made it out alive from the DDC massacre. Fingers crossed for him and his adorable golf club gavel!)

Chanel #3, to lesbian Sam: “OMG, are you hitting on me? ‘Cause I heard that munching box is what killed Michael Douglas.” (Guess Murphy isn’t too concerned about that invite to the Douglas’ house party anytime soon!)

Chanel, to Hester after catching her in her ginormous closet: “This closet is the most precious thing in my life. It’s like a second vagina to me. So, you sneaking in here, rifling through my clothes is a heinous violation. You have violated my closet vadge.” (Bonus points for potential “Heathers” reference #2, the use of “Que Sera, Sera”- the other being the whole pledges-being- buried-up-to-their-necks-in-the-flower-garden thing.)

Frat guy, on Boone’s sexuality: “There’s no way Boone was gay. He didn’t seem gay at all. One time we were talking about boobs, and how much I love them, and he was like, ‘Yeah, dude, I love boobs, too.’ So, like, what am I supposed to do with that?” (On a side note, what the hell was going on with that guy’s lips? Was that, like, collagen or lipstick, or what? Pretty odd!)

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Lest you think all of the good jokes were of the lowest common denominator variety- not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you- there were also some fairly clever sociopolitical humor going on around the fringes.

Denise, remarking on the missing Chanel #2 to her parents (former “Buffy”/”Angel” star Charisma Carpenter and “Hostel 2”-vet Roger Bart!) after seeing the size of their mansion: “Are you sure she’s not hiding out in your house somewhere and you haven’t found her because your house is so damn big?”

Wes, after a screening of the aforementioned “TCM,” to his class: “Wow. A lot going on in those last few frames. Vietnam, Watergate, the invention of the Pill, the “White Album”…has there ever been a more perfect weapon of destruction? Yeah, Sally survives at the end, but does she? Aren’t we all running from the chainsaws of our past?” (Lol. This sounds like every bad commentary I’ve ever heard comparing certain horror movies to political movements and the like summarized in the worst way imaginable, and I just loved it.)

Chanel, on donating her old clothes: “I once thought about donating them to charity, but there was something so depressing about a poor person walking around in couture. It’s like, ‘Sorry, but that Louvain sweater is not appropriate for your job at Roy Rogers, welfare queen’.” (My apologies if I misspelled that fashion designer, but I’m straight, I’m afraid.)

Chanel #3, on her family name: “You know Swenson? The frozen dinners? They’re like, the B-List of Swanson frozen dinners, like Swanson for poor people. I’m a Swenson.” (Interesting tidbit about her real dad being Charles Manson!)

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In addition to that stuff, there were also some fun sight gag-type jokes, like the “I’m not a KKT” signs meant to let the killers know someone wasn’t part of the sorority and thus, not kill-worthy material; Zayday’s Mickey Mouse looking hat/afro-puffs combo; the sign that read “Days without a Kappa Getting Murdered” in the sorority house living room with a hook for numbers; the various names of classes on the report card of the former Kappa Pete found, which included: “History: Doomed to Repeat Ourselves,” “Art History: Is This Art?” and, my personal favorite “English: E-Mail, It is Going to Be Big”; and the DDC being clad in Backstreet Boys-style white outfits as their music played and they headed to seek out the killers. Oh, and for those keeping score at home, that was the second time a hilariously inappropriate song was playing as someone was killed. Gotta love it.

Last but not least, there was the Dean’s whole “white noise machine” thing, which took the cake. The settings included “Slasher Movie” (!), “Whale Distress Calls,” “Baboon Attack,” and the best of the bunch, “Catastrophically Depressurized Airplane Cabin.” I so have to get one of these machines! If only to annoy the neighbors. Or my roommates. The whole no-control-over-the-volume thing was a nice touch as well. I’m kind of loving this show.

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That about sums it up for this week, I think. This show really lends itself to multiple viewings, I must say. There’s so much going on, and the dialogue is so fast and furious, you almost can’t keep up with it all. Let it never be said this show is boring. I’m just grateful I can pause the damn thing to take notes as need be. Definitely not a complaint, though- there are worse things to be than quickly-paced. It’s more than I can say for a lot of shows, that’s for sure.

What did you think of the latest episode of “Scream Queens”? Are you enjoying it so far? Or is it too ADD for you? Who do you think did it? Who’s your favorite character? How about your least favorite? Can you believe some of the things they’re getting away with on this thing, especially dialogue and violence-wise? Just out of curiosity, do you watch the show live, or on the web? (Reportedly, the ratings went up 80% online after the initial premiere and many people watched the repeat showing of the premiere later in the week to boot, perhaps because of the lack of anything on at the time, unlike Tuesdays, where the show faces some stiff competition.)

Sound off on this and more down below and see you next week!