The Royals “Unmask Her Beauty To The Moon” Review (Season 1 Episode 5)

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The Royals continued its descent into the land of implausibility this week. There was another party, more improbable liaisons with the queen and her military beau, and a disturbing lead up to rape. Since there’s still little to no plot in this show, let’s break it down by couples.

The Queen
It’s unclear where the king is and why he’s always gone, but Helena takes advantage of his absence to hook up with her side dish. She first goes on a fake spa day; a decoy goes in for the pampering, while the queen sneaks into another room for a different sort of relaxation. She later hooks up with him again during a large party thrown at the palace. With apparently no one the wiser, the queen is able to stroll the grounds with her man, dance with him in the hallway and spend some time together in some kind of underground sex lair. We find out that they were childhood sweethearts, but were torn asunder when Helena married Simon.

I’m not sure where this relationship is going or why the queen acts as indiscreetly as she does. The parallel between Helena and Eleanor is obvious. Eleanor is also dating “the help.” Kind of dating.

Eleanor
Eleanor’s relationship with Jasper took an interesting turn. She’s been under his thumb since he told her that he had video of her that he would show the world. Though she seemed to like being dominated, she still had the constant threat of exposure hanging over her. Jasper reveals that he actually has no video. He does his best 50 Shades of Grey Impression and tries to retain his control over her. It looks like she’s going to go along with it. At the last moment, she does a switcheroo and Jasper finds a decoy in her bed. It was great to see a confident Eleanor leaving him behind. If only she’d lay of the drugs, she might be a more interesting character.

Liam
Liam is still pining away for Ophelia. She shows up at the party in a gorgeous dress with the charming Nick on her arm. Gemma does her best to distract Liam, but fails miserably. After an hour’s worth of longing looks, the two finally come together. He invites her to Monaco and she joyfully rushes to join him in the car. I can see why Ophelia would be drawn to the glamour of royalty, but Nick actually seems like a way better catch.

Cyrus
I’ve had just about enough of him. He’s a lecherous rapist. That’s not endearing.

I wish the royals had something better to do than throw tacky parties. Shouldn’t Liam and Eleanor be in school or have some kind of jobs? That would at least give us some more variety in the storylines. Seeing Eleanor sucking on a bong every week is boring. I’m going to give this show a couple more episodes to get some substance.