CSI Season 14 Review “Consumed”

The latest episode of “CSI” was one of those insane ones the show does every now and again to prove that it can still outdo any other crime procedural when they set their mind to it. In “Consumed,” the wacky topic at hand- or should I say at mouth- was cannibalism. Yes, there’s apparently a contingent of people out there with a cannibalism fetish, and as with most fetishes, there are those who do, and those to whom things are done. In this case, there are those who eat- and those who are eaten. Yep, the jokes just write themselves, don’t they?

According to “CSI,” this fetish is known as “vorarephilia,” or “vore” for short. I have no idea if this is a real thing, and don’t particularly want to do the research to find out because, you know, the internet. I learned long ago not to look into things you’re not quite sure what are because some of those things can’t be unseen. So, you’ll excuse me if I don’t verify this information, because I have no desire to see anyone eating anyone outside of a zombie flick or “The Walking Dead.” That’s gross enough for me, thank you very much- I don’t need to see the real thing.

Apparently, there’s also a fetish webcam involving getting inside of someone in ways (hopefully) not found on YouPorn or the like. Like, for real inside, with an endoscopic camera and everything. “Miss Feed,” indeed. Yikes. I hope this isn’t a real thing, too, but it probably is as well. It takes all kinds, I guess.

We started with a guy who narrowly ended up being literally eaten alive, which, mind you, he freaking volunteered for. Meanwhile, another guy (Steve Valentine, of “Crossing Jordan” fame) cut out parts of his chest surgically and gave them to a wacko known only as “Eater,” then watched him consume his own flesh over-what else?- dinner. Paging Dr. Hannibal Lecter!

But that’s not all! Said wacko also threw a “Feast of the Cannibals” in a foreclosed mansion, where “tastefully dressed” people ate “dark delicacies,” complete with a naked “dead” guy with his “innards” exposed, a la one of those nude sushi girls you see at rich people’s shindigs, only way grosser. Though I don’t know that I’d eat from either of those “plates,” regardless.

Then, just when you were convinced things couldn’t get more insane, after an “Eater” sketch was released to the public, a security guard comes in, claiming he has the man himself, and when they go and check it out, there’s blood splattered all over the guy’s car and a severed hand left hanging by a handcuff in the backseat, with the implication being that the “Eater” gnawed off his own hand to escape. Except that he didn’t, as the hand was a plant, along with the blood, which the “Eater” gave to the guard, threatening to kill members of his family if he didn’t deliver it to the cops. Then the guy died in custody, the result of a cyanide pill.

Was the guard the “Eater” or was he telling the truth? Was it an attempt to sustain his own myth? According to Valentine’s character, it was not, and with evidence that the guard was the actual psycho, the blame was laid squarely at his feet, at Ecklie’s prompting, in a bid to help him get re-elected. Finally, at the end of the episode, DB spotted a guy who looked just like the described illustration given earlier in the episode. Or did he? I guess we’ll find out, if the “Eater” ever returns.

Okay, so this was pretty much bat-sh*t crazy from start to finish, but it was also admittedly pretty memorable, too. When they finally send “CSI” off to the great retirement party in the ether, this one is bound to make the craziest episodes reel, along with the furries and the hamster ball guy and Lady Heather’s stuff, no doubt right after the drug-crazed cannibalistic cheerleader episode. I don’t know how grounded in reality this all was, and quite frankly, I don’t want to, but it’s nice that “CSI” can still pull off a jaw-dropper like this every now and again after fourteen seasons of this stuff. So yeah, I ate it up. (Sorry, had to do it.)

What did you think of the latest “CSI”? Did it whet your appetite for the weird stuff? Or do you wish they sent this one back to the kitchen? Was it well done, or undercooked? Would you want a second helping? (Hey, I can do this all day.) Let me know if it was your special of the day or if it was not your cup of soup below, and I’ll see you on the flipside! Hmm, why am I so hungry all of the sudden? If you can’t eat ‘em, join ‘em…nom nom nom…