American Horror Story: Coven Season 3 Review “Go to Hell”

American Horror Story Season Episode 12 Go to Hell (1)

Alright, here we go. First and foremost, spoilers ahoy, and how. If you don’t want to be super-spoiled in the worst way imaginable, turn back now. Everybody ready? Let’s get on with it.

Whoa. Now that is how you do it, people. While other lesser shows take out a minor supporting character or, at worst, a second-tier one, “American Horror Story: Coven” gives way more bang for your buck. In “Go to Hell,” the losers were not one major character, or even two, but three, count ‘em, three unlucky Oscar winners in one fell swoop, plus an extra added massacre as a sort of blood red cherry on top of the whole big mess. And the losers are…

Marie Laveau, who got on the wrong side of LaLaurie for once, who chopped her up into various, no-doubt incredibly well-toned parts and scattered them all over New Orleans. However, she’s immortal, so, like LaLaurie herself, those parts are still out there and basically not getting together anytime soon. After Queenie’s helpful advice of a loophole in her contract with Papa Legba, which found Laveau in default on account of being in pieces, and thus, unable to honor their deal, off to Hell she went, where she was set about fulfilling the task at hand, which was to terrorize and torture the children of…

Madame LaLaurie, who was hiding out in…her own house! She’d bashed the tour guide with a hammer and took over, telling hilariously glossed-over tales of her notorious exploits to disappointed groups of tourists. Enter Queenie, who gave her one last chance to repent, which she refuses, saying the world is full of hypocrites (insert pointed montage of people like Paula Deen and Weiner), and she’s not afraid to be who she is, nor ashamed of it. So, Queenie ably dispatches her, sending her to aforementioned hell overseen by Laveau, who does her horrific deeds in plain view of LaLaurie for eternity, one assumes, or at least until Papa Legba decides to flip the script and inflict fresh horrors on the terrible twosome. Compared to these two…

Fiona Goode got off relatively easy. In beautifully apropos form, she sealed her own fate after giving daughter Delia her mother’s necklace as she offered up nostalgic remembrances and crocodile tears and indicated she was tossing in the towel. As if. Suddenly gaining her gift of sight after thinking it was gone forever and beating herself up for her rash actions stabbing out her own eyes, Delia got a hell of a flash-forward, a beautifully choreographed tour of death, as we saw what horrors Fiona was about to unravel. Basically, she was going to kill everyone and leave the country, but with one fatal mistake: minus her supposed beloved, the Axeman.

Off to the Axeman went Delia, telling him exactly how to prove what she was really up to, and it all came down to a mere piece of paper. Fiona, in typical fashion, was unapologetic, but unlike Delia, the Axeman wasn’t interested in her flowery stories, and cut her off literally as she was about to wax on about a Calico cat or something. That’s one way to shut her up, I suppose. Alas, he made one fatal mistake himself, which leads us to the ultimate fate of…

The Axeman, who done messed with the wrong witches. As before, down he went in a hail of blades after charging in on the epic beat-down Misty May laid upon Madison Montgomery in gloriously old-school Southern fashion. (You go, girl!) And that takes us down to the lovely ladies above, save Myrtle: Madison, Misty, Zoe, Queenie and Delia. Yeah, Kyle’s still standing, but like Misty said, they don’t need men to stand up for them, and he’s not eligible for the Seven Wonders trials anyway.

So, obviously, this episode was full of win. From the opening nifty silent film reel laying out what the Seven Wonders consisted of (for the record: Telekinesis, Concilium, Transmutation, Divination, Vitalum Vitalis, Descensum and Pyrokinesis); to the various Hells on display (loved that Queenie’s was working at a fast food joint with an endless line- with one guy in it who’s own hell was always smelling the food, but never getting to eat it because he was sent to the end of the line every time he got to the front); to Queenie’s sit-down with the “Half-baked Beetlejuice” Papa Legba; LaLaurie’s hilarious revisionist personal history and running commentary on the tour; the reveal of what LaLaurie was really crying about when she watched that television; Fiona’s portrait, her film noir-esque flash-forward through Delia’s visions, and her ultimate send-off; Queenie releasing Misty in spectacular fashion, who was biding her time in the crypt singing- what else?- Stevie songs (tonight’s featured song: “Landslide”); Zoe and Kyle’s fumbled Florida adventure; the over-the-top brutality of the Axeman’s send-off; and, naturally, that sweet one-sided fight between Misty and Madison, who opened up one hell of a can of whoop-ass on her skinny-if-perfectly-styled butt.

Television doesn’t get much better than this, folks. Sure, other shows don’t have the luxury of reinventing themselves every season, so it was a little easier for this one to whack four major characters in one fell swoop, but come on, this show rocks. Even better, it’s the kind of show where their being killed may not even matter. Who’s to say they might not be back somehow? They were certainly all featured in the preview for the sure-to-be-epic finale. Lord knows- or Satan- that these girls don’t kill easily. More than a few have been killed already- a few times, even.

Still, I like to think it will come down to the new generation of witches, or at least Delia. I’m still holding out hope she’ll be the winner in the end. Especially now that she can see how it all ends potentially and act accordingly to save her own hide proactively, like she did with Fiona. If not her, Misty would be acceptable, and it crossed my mind for the first time that it could even be Myrtle. I know creator Ryan Murphy said no one had guessed who the Supreme was in a recent interview. In that regard, it could be Myrtle, because who would suspect that? Well, okay, I just did, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, there you go. What a fantastic penultimate show before the big finale. I, for one, can’t wait, and I’d have to go on record and say this is my favorite run of the show so far, even without seeing how it all ends. Unless they really screw the pooch and don’t stick the landing next week, it should be the case then, too. Hope you’re enjoying the ride half as much as I am.

Sound off on your theories on how “American Horror Story: Coven” all ends below in the comments section, and I’ll see you next week for the last blast of show!