American Horror Story: Coven Season 3 Review “The Dead”

American Horror Story Season Episode 7 The Dead (6)

I gotta hand it to “American Horror Story: Coven”– it really knows how to keep viewers guessing. In “The Dead,” we saw a host of dead folks living it up like there was no such thing as death, with no repercussions to speak of. Well, except for Madam LaLaurie, of course, but let’s face it: she had that coming, even after the fate worse than death she suffered all those years.

Ironically, I was just starting to vaguely like her as a character. I think maybe Queenie was, too, which is precisely why she realized LL had to go, stat. Well that, and a little sweet-talking courtesy of Marie Laveau, who used a little reverse-racism, so to speak, to woo miss Queenie to her side, by pointing out how she was never really going to fit in at the Academy with all those skinny white girls about. I don’t know if Queenie has entirely gone over to…gonna stop myself from saying the “dark side,” for obvious reasons, given the context- but you know what I mean: has Queenie gone Team Voodoo?

Of course, I’m not sure there is a good and bad team at this point, regardless of race. On Team Academy, we’ve got Fiona killing fellow witches or setting them up to be killed, and Zoe and Madison raising folks from the dead and both of them also killing people to boot- even if some of the latter kind of had it coming (i.e. the rapists). The only faultless ones at this point seem to be Nan and Delia, and the latter is in danger of going off the reservation entirely. (Wait, was that racist? Agh! Stupid “American Horror Story” has got me all self-conscious!)

Meanwhile, on Team Voodoo, we’ve got Marie Laveau burying people alive and raising the dead to do her bidding and…you know, come to think of it, I have fewer problems with Laveau. I mean, at least she has her reasons, and they’re not bad ones, for the most part. Oh wait a minute…she did hire Hank to take out witches that didn’t really do anything besides being guilty of WWW, or Witching While White. So that’s kind of racist, too.

Yeah, they’re all pretty messed up, all things accounted for. Oh well. It is a horror show- you can’t expect everyone to be goody two-shoes. So, to that end, I’m pulling for Delia to come out on top, with maybe an assist from Misty. And maybe Stevie, as in Nicks, who’s going to be on the show at some point. That’s going to be crazy awesome, especially if she actually plays a witch and wreaks some witchy havoc. Fingers crossed!

Back on the ghost front, we’ve got a re-animated Kyle, who finally got his groove back, with apologies to Mrs. Bassett. Yep, old Franken-Kyle is getting busy with not only his fellow re-animatee Madison, but Zoe as well. So, does that make Zoe a necrophile? Ick. Well, at least she won’t have to worry about getting pregnant, I suppose, unless there’s some witchy loophole, a la what’s going on on “The Originals.” Don’t even want to think about what the result of that unholy coupling would be. Double ick, with a side order of blechh.

Meanwhile, there’s the Axe Man. Now, show of hands- who thought that either: (A) Fiona was going to “kill” the Axe-man or send him back to the ether or whatever? (B) The Axe-man was going to kill Fiona? (C) They’d possibly kill each other?

If you picked any of these- my money was on (A), personally- you were wrong, friend-o. Nope, it was actually none of the above, and instead, the two became an item, with the Axe-man proving every bit as, ahem, bewitched as Spalding, when it comes to the fetching firebrand Fiona. Man oh man, does this woman cast a spell!

What’s more, she didn’t even blink an eye (much) to find out he was a homicidal maniac. In fact, we learned, she slept with him anyway, even after knowing he’d killed someone! Well, crazy people make crazy lovers- or so I’ve heard. It’s always been a bit one-sided, in my experience. Not sure which way, some of the time, to be honest. Moving on…

Speaking of Spalding, and re-animation, he got his tongue back! Okay, it was for a pretty short period, just long enough to confirm what Delia claimed was true- that Fiona had killed Madison, not him- but still, reunited and it feels so good…Too bad Zoe promptly stabbed him to death. Oh well, at least he died with all his parts, I suppose.

Zoe’s become quite the firebrand, right? Killing zombies, “Evil Dead”-style, re-animating corpses and banging ‘em in a ménage-a-gross of decidedly unsanitary circumstances…um, wow. She’s come a long way, I guess? (To be fair, I don’t know I’d turn down a roll in the hay with Emma Roberts, either, but I’d prefer she were, you know, breathing and not potentially rotting, because I do have SOME standards, for God’s sake. I mean, if anybody needed a shower first, it was FK & MM, am I right?)

Some nice touches throughout, as ever: Kyle slightly cringing for all the wrong reasons when his Frat buddy made the joke at his mom’s expense- not to mention that über-creepy doll in the tattoo shop- and the irony of the tattoo his friend got (which meant “beginning and end”); the fact that Madison couldn’t feel anything until she had sex with Franken-Kyle (also liked that speech from her at the beginning of the ep about “Gen Y”- I feel ya, MM, as a card-carrying member); the brief bonding over fast food between Queenie and LL, contrasted with the bloodlust in her eyes when she came after her with that scythe after her cringe-inducing story about killing a baby; Hank with his guns laid out, loaded for bear, essentially saying goodbye to Delia; the Axe-Man quoting Faulkner and Fiona recognizing it; the correlation inferred between gumbo and the difference between “white” magic and “black” magic, aka witches and voodoo (although personally, I like to mix it up a bit, and I loves me some gumbo, so why can’t we all get along, Marie? Fiona? Anyone?); the Fiona flashback with the Axe-Man “watching over her” over the years- THAT’s not creepy at ALL, right?- and that last shot of Laveau making like LL and applying a little blood mask for the road. Whew! Definitely a lot to take in!

Lots of great bits, all. Did I mention I love this show? From the opening credits, with that montage that would give “The Ring” videotape nightmares, to the creepy soundtrack, to the unpredictable storylines, to the first-rate acting…this may not just be the best horror-themed show on television, it might just be one of the best, period.

Thoughts? Reflections? Sound off on “American Horror Story: Coven” below, and have a nice turkey day, and be thankful you’re not living this nightmare for real. (Oh, and my apologies to the Native Americans for the reservation crack. And anyone else I offended, save psychopaths. Okay, them, too. Don’t hurt me! Or bring me back if you do! Well, unless Emma Roberts is involved…)
See you after Thanksgiving!