American Idol Season 12 Review “Finalists Compete”

On the penultimate episode of “American Idol”, it was down to the final two: Candice Glover and Kree Harrison in a battle to the big finish. Put up your dukes, ladies! (Editor’s Note: We here at TV Equals do not condone girl-on-girl violence in any way, shape, or form- unless it’s, like, on “Buffy” or something like that, then we suppose it’s okay.)

Or, you know, hit some crazy high notes or something. Whatevs. We pretty much know how this is going to end, right? Then again, I thought it’d be Candice and Angie, so what do I know? Regardless…in this corner, we have Candy Girl, and rocking the other corner with big hair on her head and a soft song in her heart is Kreedom! Who will survive and what will be left of them?

The episode went like this: 1st round: Creator Simon Fuller’s choice; 2nd round: Singles tailor-made for each contestant; and 3rd round: Song of choice from the proceeding season by each of the ladies. Kree wins the coin toss and opts to go first, to which I say: bad idea. The last thing you want voters left with at the end of the show is whatever big note Candice is going to end this sucker on. But I’m halfway inclined to think she was intentionally soft-pedaling it, as Kree doesn’t really seem to have a fighting bone in her body, and I mean that in the best way.

Round One: Kree does Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel”, just when I thought I was safe from the wrath of Lilith! This is what I get for cracking wise about the notorious animal cruelty peddler– agh! Make it stop! Okay, in all seriousness, she sang it well, and was a perfectly serviceable…zzzzz.

Oops! What was I saying there? Oh, I must have nodded off there for a moment (like this). That happens when you adapt the Queen of mellow. If anyone does Enya, I am so out of here.

Candice does…Adele! Imagine that! Well, at least they went subtle, with “Chasing Pavements”, but come on, “Someone Like You” would have freaking KILLED and you know it, “Idol”-creator types. I almost felt like they intentionally leveled the playing field all around, so that Kree wouldn’t be completely blown off the stage. Yeah, it was more fair, but it also made for a snoozy pre-finale.

Round Two: Kree does a song admittedly perfect for her, the original “All Cried Out.” It’s also pretty sleepy, but a little bit better than round one, at least. Candice follows that up with “I Am Beautiful,” a lovely ballad of self-empowerment with a good message all around, if a bit on the nose. Just what are you trying to say about Candice, “Idol”? (Besides “It fits her like a Glover,” Keith Urban- I see what you did there, Keithy, and I for one approve of any and all god-awful puns.)

Anyway, I guess “Big is Beautiful” would have been too mean, so there’s that. (Editor’s Note: We here at TV Equals do, in fact, think that big is beautiful, and anyone who disagrees must not have seen Christina Hendricks and can suck it.) Not that Candice isn’t gorgeous, of course, it just seemed a bit of a back-handed, um, songwriting exercise? Passive-aggressive much? Oh wait, that’s Mariah.

Round Three: Ryan emerges from The Fog to introduce Kree’s reprisal of “Up to the Mountain,” which is as good of a selection as Kree could have made under the circumstances. The song was nicely augmented by a choir and tastefully backed-up by minimal musical accompaniment. Of her performances, it was far and away the best.

Then Candice came in and killed it, just like I figured she would. Opening with a full-on a cappella, she again knocked a performance of “I Who Have Nothing” out of the park. It was pretty darned epic, and I don’t mean that movie “Idol” tried to hawk last week. (Editor’s Note: We here at TV Equals actually would like to plug “Epic” with this here nifty trailer, so there!)

Randy basically summed it all up and maybe his judging approach in the process, barking: “That girl can plum flat out sing!” She sure can, Uncle Randy. She is killing it, dawg. She is in it to win it! Sigh. I may actually miss the good old reliable Snoop-Randy-Rand. Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yay! Dawg Pound definitely in the mother-loving house!

Alright, so what else? Carly Rae Jepsen proved that the will of the people is to do a stage act that looks like a music video from the 80’s, and not in a good way. Or maybe one of those do-it-yourself videos from the mall in the 90’s. Either way, it wasn’t great and more than a little cheesy. I’ve heard “Call Me Maybe”. I liked “Call Me Maybe.” And you, “Take a Picture”, are no “Call Me Maybe”.

Best moment, non-musical: The brilliant double-take by Candice’s dad when Ryan said to him, in the whitest manner imaginable: “Sup, John?” (Editor’s Note: We here at TV Equals cannot…oh screw it- yeah, that was pretty white there, Seacrest. Don’t let it happen again.) Love it and someone should GIF that bad boy immediately, so I can play it on an infinite loop on my computer, like, forever. Runner-up: That business with Gloria, which was freaking adorable. You redeem yourself this time, Seacrest, but there can only be one!

Alright, so let’s wrap this sucker up already. Candice is totes gonna win, right? Which means she probably won’t, because I’m never right about these things. So, I’m gonna reverse-psych this beeyotch and call it for Kree. Which means Candice will definitely win. See what I did there? Done and done. You can thank me later, Candy, girl. You don’t mind if I call you Candy, right?

What did you think of “American Idol” this week? Satisfied; or glad it’s over? Is Randy getting while the getting’s good? Is Ryan lucky he caught John off-guard? These and more questions will be answered eventually. But until then, sound off below and I’ll see you at the big finale!