The League Season 4 Review “Our Dinner with Andre” and “12/12/12”

After last week’s hit-and-miss double dose of “The League,” I questioned the logic of doing another two weeks in a row, but it turns out the second time was the charm for the boys- and the girls, for that matter. This time the ongoing storylines bled nicely into on another, resulting in some of the funnier moments of the season, with able assists from Deion Sanders and especially guest star and erstwhile Sports Illustrated cover-girl Brooklyn Decker, who was funnier in her short tenure on this show than she was in the entirety of “Just Go with It.” Of course, her swimsuit did most of the acting there, so we’ll let her slide. First up was “Our Dinner with Andre.”

Decker excelled as the former- and current- Mean Girl that terrorized Pete in high school, not only turning him down when he asked her to prom, but dragging him into the cafeteria so that she could loudly ridicule him in front of everyone for even asking in the first place. It turned out she was none other than Frank “The Body” Gibiatti’s sister, Gina, who was so hot her own gynecologist married her, or, as Ruxin put it: “That guy stares at vagina all day long and he chose that one…cause it’s the best.”

Pete decided the only course of action was to try and hate-fu*k her to get even for his humiliation all those years ago. But, given her level of hotness, he was gonna need help. Taco volunteered readily: “I’ll help you out. If you’re having sex with her and you get tired, just tag me in, I’ll finish her off.” Can’t say I blame him.

Instead, Pete got Andre to help him, by some bizarre convoluted act involving homeless men and roses, which wasn’t going well until Andre got jumped by one and a bum fight ensued. As it turned out, Gina was into bum fights (!), so Pete was in, managing to coax her into a cup of coffee. Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, he crashed Andre’s dinner with Jenny and Kevin, sensing Gina would get a kick out of cracking wise at Andre’s expense, which was right on the money.

As Pete recounted his hooking up with Gina, he told them about the homeless debacle, with Jenny hilariously misconstruing what was going on.

Jenny, to Andre: “You paid for homeless man sex?”
Gina: “And he still said no!”

The laughs continued as Pete showed Gina Andre’s infamous podcast website, “Witchy Woman,” which fans will recall features: “A little bit of magic…a little bit of Don Henley…and a whole lot of Andre!” Said Gina, laughing hysterically: “You look like you were in the jerk-off stand in a Romanian Sex Circus!” (I’m not even sure what that means and I still laughed.) “Fives, bitches!” Gina crowed. “I like this one, Pete,” said Jenny.

In no time, Gina was hot and bothered, all but dragging Pete out of there, ready to get down to business. Alas, Pete didn’t quit while he was ahead, and didn’t follow-up on his promise to dump Gina after doing the deed. Not that I think anyone would blame him. I loved how much Decker, looking exceedingly fetching as a redhead, threw caution to the wind and allowed herself to be an epically awful human being on all counts, seeming to revel in it. In fact, it only got worse in the next episode, but more on that in a minute.

After dropping the matter in the last episode, they returned to Ruxin’s nefarious plans to impregnate his wife with an “anchor baby.” Unfortunately, it turned out his boys had been affected by all of the constant laptop use (!) and his sperm count was dangerously low, according to his hilariously bad doctor with the worst bedside manner imaginable- maybe he should date Gina.

Ruxin turned to Taco, of all people, for advice, and he took him to a shady Asian restaurant where the specials included…wait for it…the “Pee-Pee Platter,” featuring “six different kinds of penis and four different kinds of testicles.” Hey, it’s no four penis wine, but what are you gonna do? When in Rome…

Ruxin: “Now that’s a spicy meatball.”
Taco: “Just think of it as a genital jambalaya.”
(Later, some of it made its way into Kevin’s kitchen, with him eating it, thinking it was something Jenny had fixed special just for him- d’oh!)

Meanwhile, Kevin had his hands full trying to keep his daughter’s new playmate, Charlie at bay- and away from his daughter.

Kevin: “Children of the Corn is hiding inside our cabinet over here.”

Later, Charlie got an eyeful of him and Jenny having sex (Charlie: “What did I see?”/Kevin: “You saw magic.”), leading to a discussion of the birds and bees, which Kevin bailed out of, opting to instead help Charlie with his science fair project. Luckily, Taco was there to set Charlie straight.

Taco: “How old are you?”
Charlie: “8.”
Taco: “How many women have you had sex with?”
Charlie: “None.”
Taco: “Wow. You’re way behind.”

Kevin decided on a series of slides for the project, which in an insane turn of events, collided with Ruxin’s quest to get his sperm up to speed. Knowing about the science equipment, Taco had Ruxin masturbate in order to get a sample of Ruxin’s sperm, so that he could look at it and determine if everything was in order. Naturally, they left the evidence behind, so that when Charlie showed the sample to his teacher (a returning Lindsay Sloane), she was horrified to see sperm under the microscope.

Kevin, to Taco at the school science fair: “Please tell me you didn’t make that here.”

Funny stuff all around, and it got even funnier on episode two, “12/12/12.” In this episode, Andre decided to move, having made headway with selling his apartment in the previous episode. As you may or may not recall, Andre’s place was the setting for a porn Rafi and director Dirty Frank (Seth Rogen) made, which came into play later on, pun definitely intended.

In the meantime, Andre hired a decorator- excuse me, a “designer”- to style up his new place. We opened with a great “Cribs” spoof: “Welcome to Case de Andre- or, as I like to call it, Cassandre…these brushes were used to clean the floor of a psychiatric hospital- now they’re on my table! Awesome!” Later on, said decorator suggested “maybe over there, (we can have) a bucket of old children’s shoes.” Said Ruxin: “It’s like your own little holocaust museum.”

Andre decided to mix business with pleasure, when he started dating said designer, Trixie Von Stein, who was billing him for inordinate amounts of money. Stein was played by “Heroes” and “Glee” vet Jayma Mays, who was cute as a button, if no Brooklyn Decker. (Who is?) Certainly it was good by Andre’s standards, even if his friends suspected dubious shenanigans going on. (Taco: “If you’re into whores, I know some that are way cheaper and have much better taste in furniture.”)This wasn’t helped by Andre’s even more dubious decision to propose! (The proposal itself was something to hear, including a quote from “Adam Lavine’s Twitter,” which I hope is real: “Chemistry cannot be purchased.” LOL.)

I hope for the best for Andre- Lord knows he’s put up with a lot- but I fear the worst. Still, it’s a hell of a lot better than Rafi’s prediction that in the “post-apocalyptic horrorscape,” Andre has a terrible fate in store for him: “I will keep you as a pet, so that we can use your holes for sexual pleasure and as a sort of currency. We will rent you out and all of your orifices to marauders. We’re also gonna sell your dick for gasoline.” Yikes!

Meanwhile, Kevin got injured trying to beat Jenny to the computer to pick up a player for their respective leagues. (Pete: “You may be the first person in history to get a fantasy football concussion.”) This led to their daughter being convinced that Jenny was physically abusing him, especially after she saw her mother leaving a hilariously demented video online. Eventually, she called the cops on her, which Jenny mistook for strippers (“We get that a lot,” said one of the cops.). Later, even Andre poked fun at her: “So glad you made parole in time for the party.”

To get ready for said party, Andre talked the guys into a shopping spree, leading to the piece de resistance of the episode, a montage of the boys in Andre-approved clothing, all of which was dementedly amusing in the extreme. As Jenny memorably put it: “You look like the oldest boy band ever, and Ruxin, you look like their creepy gay manager.” (Nailed it!) To add insult to injury, they later ran into Dione Sanders, who was looking into buying Andre’s old digs. Sanders got in a few decent jokes at their expense, before landing the crushing blow: “I got one more: you look like Bell Biv Da Old!” Taco allowed it: “Well, these clothes are poison.” Although he did like Kevin’s silver football belt buckle: “I love it when a belt buckle reflects what someone’s hobbies are.” Funny stuff.

Things weren’t much better for poor Pete, who was still dating Gina, and having to deal with her brother, “The Body,” who proclaimed: “My sister’s vagina belongs in the Louvre!” Said Ruxin: “Why, because a bunch of Frenchmen have been in it?” Gina confirmed it: “And Belgians.”

Gina kept up the classy when she declared at Andre’s party that she was going to leave an “upper-decker” in his bathroom. Yep, you read it right; Brooklyn Decker left an upper-decker in Andre’s bathroom! That cannot be a coincidence. Alas, that was not the only wrongdoing she got up to, as she ended the party by unceremoniously dumping Pete when he called her his girlfriend.

Ruxin: “She just upper-decked your heart, bro.”

Poor Pete. He should have seen it coming and gotten out while the getting was good. Still, kind of a win-win, really. I mean, it is Brooklyn Decker. Better to have loved than to not have loved at all and all that.

The episode ended on perhaps the best final line ever. When Dione made a return appearance to discover Rafi and Dirty Randy shooting a porn- with Kayden Kross, no less- called, naturally, “12/12/12: The Mayan A-Cock-and –Lips” after a healthy debate about whether “A-cock-alypse” or “A-cock-pocalypse” was better. (Kayden’s suggestion won out as the best.) As Rafi worked the boom stick- excuse me, “sound dick”- into the movie, declaring: “everyone here with a real dick is now obsolete!” Sanders came in, aghast at what he saw in his new digs. Said Rafi, ending the episode: “I don’t know who you are, buddy, but you’re about to get Chlamydia.”

Well played, “The League,” well played, indeed. These two episodes were definitely two for the vault. Classic “League,” to be sure. What did you think? Did this double-dose do it for you better than last week’s eps? What did you think of the guest stars? I thought Decker was spot-on and fearless in her ability to be a bitch-on-wheels that few men would complain about being with. She might just have a comedic future, despite the whole Sandler debacle. Mays was a nice addition, too, and Sanders was pretty funny as well. Great dialogue all over these two episodes, even beyond what I quoted. Did I miss any of your faves?

Let me know what you thought in the comments!