How to Tell If You Are Turning Into An Observer

As men age, there are many pratfalls that are difficult to avoid. An increasingly sedentary lifestyle can lead us to pack on some additional pounds around the middle. Our eyesight could leave us. We can start to forget things that once were prominent parts of our memory. All of these things have become part of the natural order of life for some men as they age. Now it seems that there is another problem that men need to look out for as they approach middle age: Turning into an Observer.

It’s not the most common ailment in the world, but Peter Bishop has shown us that it’s definitely something to be concerned about. At this point, I know what you’re thinking: “That couldn’t happen to me because no one has attached a weird gadget to my brain.” To that I say, how do you know what happened in your sleep? We may have ruled out eating spiders, but who can say for sure what happens in our sleep? Obviously, turning into an Observer could be a real thing that we can’t possibly rule out as a legitimate medical condition. Therefore, for the men (or ladies, we have no clue who could be at risk) who fear they may have contracted Adult Onset Observerdom, here are a few tell-tale signs:

You can see the Matrix
 

This one is pretty obvious. Barring some fancy work at the optometrist’s office, chances are things don’t appear to you in a bluish tint with a grid thrown over the top of it. If it does, you may want to add some space in your budget for spicy food, because you are probably becoming an Observer. However, there is also a strong possibility that you just got dinged in the head. In order to be completely sure, you would have to pair this symptom with the other ones below.

You talk like a robot
 

Obviously, this symptom is going to jump off the page at some people. Many of you are now probably thinking that your spouse/friend/mom/mailman is turning into an Observer. Sorry to disappoint you (or put you at ease!), but that person is likely just a poor conversationalist. However, if you notice a seemingly pathological adherence to logic, then you may have something worth reporting to your local Resistance team member. Remember, when in doubt, think of the words of Jack Donaghy: “Be an American, call it in.” You can never be too sure these days. That being said, there are a couple more key elements to consider.

You suddenly go bald
 

Male pattern baldness is a fact of life for many men. However, very few men have their hair drop out of their head like it doesn’t want to be there anymore. If you happen to be experiencing this symptom in concert with the others above, you need to consider purchasing a few fedoras so you can fit in with the rest of the crowd when you become a full-fledged Observer. Still, you may want to visit your doctor just in case you are simply going bald. Don’t jump to conclusions just because you want awesome powers. Which leads me to our next symptom.

You can teleport
 

FRINGE The Firefly

Okay, at this point we are getting pretty damn specific. For the love of (insert deity of your choice here), if you can teleport, you may want to keep that noise to yourself because you are a full-fledged Observer. Once you reach this final stage, you may want to do things like question your humanity, attempt to take revenge on everything, or lie to your wife. Instead of making being an Observer a downer, go ahead and enjoy yourself. Sleep a little later and just teleport to work. Embrace the beautiful bald head you will have and try to grow a sweet complimentary goatee. For you, anything is possible.

Just remember, any of these symptoms on their own may not be signals of becoming an Observer. Okay, maybe the teleportation thing, but that’s it. However, if you find yourself experiencing all of these symptoms together, then chances are you are becoming an Observer.

Just look out for that Peter guy. He seems like an angry dude.