DANCING WITH THE STARS “Season 13 Finals Results” Review

DANCING WITH THE STARS "Season 13 Finals Results"

DANCING WITH THE STARS “Season 13 Finals Results” – So I have to say I called it yesterday.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough fell to third—quite possibly because of Derek’s “Just shut your face” crack—and fell straight out of the competition, paving the way for J.R. Martinez to lawnmow that Kardashian kid and claim the mirrorball trophy for himself (and the first for scantily-clad Karina Smirnoff)!

But Derek… Look, bro, I know Ricki Lake can be an annoying creature, all fake and mewly and attempting to be camera-ready at all hours of the day, but that’s no reason for you to treat her with disrespect on national television. I can’t fault you, since I would be extremely tempted to do the same, but… I’m only saying there are probably more than a few people that didn’t appreciate it. And those people didn’t vote for you like they normally do.

People accuse me of being cynical, cantankerous, even grumpy in my old age, but beneath that reticent facade lies a man quite appreciative of the arts. (Really! Look! I have jazz hands!) The very premise of Dancing With The Stars is silly, I have long said. Taking “media personalities” and pairing them with professional dancers is an open invitation to what we got with Nancy Grace and the Chazzy, which is to say some of the hardest-to-watch and wince-inducing television this side of Bachelor Pad. But it remains a joy to watch the professionals—and these kids are at the top of their game—really let loose and strut their stuff.

(Some people might argue that the professional dancers on DWTS are lesser beings simply because they do what they do on television, and not in some royal ballet company, but I’m telling you, this show is where they all want to be. This show, cheesy as it can seem, really knows how to bring the swag.)

My love affair with Carson Kressley continues. Seriously, that dude’s funny. I want to begin a grassroots movement to insert him into the show every year. Hell, I want him to replace the Brooke ‘bot. (Vote Brokeback over Brooke ‘bot?)

“I like ’em chunkeh.” Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer were joined by Lacey’s dad, champion dancer Buddy Schwimmer. If only the Chazzy had shown this much life during the actual competition.

David Arquette stealing the mirrorball trophy wasn’t a huge shock, seeing as how he can’t rely on his Cougar to foot the bill for his meth habit these days.

(I kid! I kid because I care.)

(That’s what Jerry Sandusky said.)

(Snap, Penn State jokes?! What is this, South Park?)

The Troupe, as they’re affectionately (and officially) called, was solid all season. I like the addition, and kind of hope a few of them will be invited to join the regulars next year with stars in tow.

And as usual, Tom Bergeron remains the best (and fastest-thinking) host on reality TV. Hands down. Someone give that man an Emmy.

That’s it for this season! Congrats once more to J.R. and Karina! Well deserved. See you next year, peeps!

If you want Carson Kressley to come out and take charge of your ‘bots, follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker!