DANCING WITH THE STARS Season 13 Episode 10 Review


DANCING WITH THE STARS Season 13 Episode 10 – So it was Broadway Week, and they opened with a little song and dance from Sister Act, or as I like to call it, “One Of Only A Handful Of Broadway Musicals I Have No Desire To Ever See.”

Seriously, dancing nuns? No!

So the contestants each did a number from—

—Auuuughhh! Is Brooke Burke still talking? I have some free advice for Dancing With The Stars: Lose Brooke. Fire her. Can her. Let her go. The experiment is over. She. Is. Terrible. Please, please, please, next season get a trained professional.

So, right… here’s how I ranked ’em this week:

Ricki “I Still Weigh More Than These Professional Dancers” Lake with Derek “Muppet Exit” Hough: (Oh, Ricki. You’ll always weigh more than professional dancers. Unless by professional dancers you mean the animated hippos in Fantasia.) (I’m kidding! She’s losing weight! I know! Calm down, rabble!) They did a Quick-Step to “Luck Be A Lady” from Guys and Dolls, and killed it. I don’t think there’s any doubt left that this competition will be down to Ricki & Derek vs. J.R. and Karina. Also, I never get tired of Derek doing his Muppet Exit.

J.R. “That’s My Spot” Rodriguez and Karina “I Can Touch My Chin With My Toes Backwards” Smirnov: They danced the Quick-Step to “All That Jazz” and laid it low. There can’t be a doubt, accepting a pretty massive upset, that the finale will feature the top two. Everyone else is basically left flailing and fumbling in the dust.

David “Jazz Hands Give You That Extra Pahhh” Arquette with Kym “Oi!” Johnson: They danced a Quick Step to “We Go Together” from Grease, and went together like Ramalama-ding-dong. Which is to say kind of chaotically. David got away with some misbehaving feet with his spaz energy, and probably won a few votes with his Vinnie Barbarino impression.

Rob “Of Course I Wasn’t Stoned During Group Dance Rehearsal” Kardashian with Cheryl “No Comment” Burke: They did the Cha-cha-cha to “Walk Like A Man” from Jersey Boys. This seems to be my weekly thing: me questioning his utter lack of charisma, and then questioning the judges more as they fawn over him. I’ve said it so many times I actually start typing it before I even start listening to the judges. So color me surprised when they didn’t actually lick Kardashian with their tongues. Even though Carrie Ann tried to lessen the impact of his boring non-dance. Lord, I hope he goes home soon.

Nancy “Bring Out The Crash Mat” Grace with Tristan “That’s The Stupidest Thing I Have Ever Heard” McManus: They danced the Foxtrot to “Always Look On The Bright Side of Life” from Monty Python’s Spamalot! (Technically from The Life of Brian, but alright.) Watching their practice tells you all you need to know. This insane far-righter went on the attack (defensively) by tearing into her instructor for doing exactly what she asked him to do. She’s crazy. And not just for referring to herself as a “celeb.” (That’s delusion, not insanity.)

Hope “I Don’t Think I Can Do This Any More” Solo with Maks “You Might Not Be A Good Dancer” Chmrkovsky: They danced the Rumba to … that 525,000 minutes song from Rent. Sung off key, I might add, which probably didn’t help. Hope is starting to remind me of that intensely emotional sister on Dexter. Len said it was her worst dance yet, and Maks went on the attack, which was pretty damned amusing. Hope didn’t want the straight 8’s she got the last two weeks, and uh, I guess she got her wish! She’ll be saved maybe by Maks’ raised hackles or by…

Chaz “Author and Activist” Bono with Lacy “You’re Bobbling All Over The Place” Schwimmer: They danced the Tango, sort of, to “The Phantom of the Opera,” and it went as comically as expected. What does an Ewok in a three-piece suit look like? I can’t put it more succinctly than Bruno did: like a penguin trying to be a swan. As Brooke said, they scored “A 19 out of 20.” Which… alright, if we’re aiming low, that’s maybe pretty good. But I think the Chazzy is going home. He has to, right?

Finally they did a group number, dancing … ahhh, who cares? I was bored.

Tomorrow on Dancing With The Stars: Will Maks be fired? I doubt it. The show loves him more than it loves Len.

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