THE X FACTOR UK “Rock Week” Review

THE X FACTOR UK “Rock Week” Season 8 Live Show 3 – Yes, it’s rock week. Which means we’ll have a lot of girls in leather, a lot of flashing lights and head banging to a lot of The Calling.

Marcus is first up and he’s showing us that girls aren’t the only ones who wear leather. He sings whatever song he’s singing quite well. But I still can’t help staring at my fingernails while he’s performing. I think I should stop biting them. I’m not six, after all. Oh my god, someone’s dying on tv! No, wait, it’s just Marcus squalling. Gary really likes it.

Janet takes on Sweet Child O’ Mine and moves on the stage and they replace Slash and his silly guitar solo with a harpists. Much cooler. “If I stare too long, I’ll probably break down and croyoy.”

Sami takes on Cher and she’s concentrating on performing with her core and glaring at the tv audience with a look of “If you don’t vote for me I’ll show up at your door and fuck you up. All nine million of you bitches are done for if I don’t get through.” I was unaware Cher was a rock legend.

Rhythmix are totally dissing Sami’s take on Cher’s rock classic. They’re totally smashing a Janis Joplin classic – oh, wait, help up…no, it’s actually Kesha meets Salt n Pepper. If you don’t look at the screen it sounds like really fun karaoke. If you do, you might have a seizure.

Sophie is up next, and thank god because so far the closest thing to rock was Janet. Janet! How terrible is that. Alas, Sophie takes on Livin’ On A Prayer, but she’s Janet-lite. As in, Janet’s performances are quiet, enchanting. Sophie’s are quiet, sedated.

Craig is taking on Oasis. I don’t care if he seems like a particularly entertaining cruise ship singer. I really like him. Sure, he’s not singing from the depths of desperation, but it’s enjoyable. And he has to come on after Sophie, which basically means he has to wake everyone up.

Crazy Kitty is on next. She’s playing the piano, looking a bit like Lady Gaga…oh fuck! She’s awesome. I would go to her concert, if only because I want to see all of the people in the front row look terrified. But no, seriously, she blows Lady Gaga’s pseudo-craziness out of the water. Brilliant.

Frankie Cocozza comes out like a dick. And he can’t sing. It’s not his fault that Barlow thinks girls like guys who act like misogynistic dipshits. Every time he sings “bitches keep bitching” and “whore they keep whoring” he reminds me of the terrorist feminist Carrie Nation who, carrying a hatchet told the Women’ Christian Temperance Movement “I tell you ladies, you don’t know how much joy you will have ’til you begin to smash, smash, smash.”

The Risk, AKA the boyband who weren’t full of douches, try to fill the void left by Westlife. Good luck, lads.

Johnny Robinson, AKA the contestant you wouldn’t leave your child alone with, sings The Darkness’ I Believe In A Thing Called Love. He’ll probably win the competition.

Mischa B takes on Prince’s Purple Rain, because no X Factor can get through a whole series without Purple Rain being dragged down from the pantheon where Ruth in season 6 put it. Good luck Daniel, well done Mischa, this is Ruth Lorenzo’s song. Get your grimy fingers off it.

My top three contestants (the night was so poor there really were only three good performances).
1. Kitty
2. Janet
3. Mischa B – if only because the judges tried to sabotage her, which was a bit unfair and opened the door for all of the contestants’ stress induced bad behaviour to be dragged out on stage. It’s a seriously shit thing to do to call someone a bully in front of ten million people, so well done Louis and Tulisa.

What did you think of the performances? Who do you think is in danger of going home? Sound off in the comments below.