DANCING WITH THE STARS Season 13 Episode 9 Review

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DANCING WITH THE STARS Season 13 Episode 9 – It’s 80’s Night, which means Brooke Burke has an actual reason to dress terribly. Fabulous sequin’d dress with rad shoulderpads! Not!

(Get it? That was from the 80’s too.)

We opened with a Bangles reunion. The freaking Bangles—who apparently have a new album?

Alright.

Dancing With The Stars brought out the 80’s baby pictures too which was… I want to say “manipulative,” but they didn’t accomplish much, plus most of the dancers weren’t even alive in the 80’s. So that’s a wash, I guess.

Here’s how I ranked ’em this week, top to bottom:

J.R. Martinez with Karina Smirnoff: “Jose Rene Martinez” danced the Samba with his Russian Bombshell and dropped the hammer on the competition with his hungryhungry hips. Two nines and a ten was perhaps one point short of what they deserved. Not much to add to that, other than he wears orange well. Alone at the top.

David Arquette with Kym Johnson: David’s impression of Len was probably the best part of the show. “It’s li’ ordering fisn ‘n chips an’ no’ gettin’ the chips!” Dangerous Dave danced a Tango with Kym to Soft Cel’s “Tainted Love,” and did it with controlled aggression. He’s getting better. I have no idea why he screamed “Manchester United!” during the after-interview. I thought he was off the smack.

Ricki Lake with Derek Hough: Dancing the Foxtrot to Phil Collins and Phillip Bailey’s “Easy Lover,” they actually screwed up. I was shocked. Like who can’t do the Roger Rabbit? Other than me, I mean. Ricki had Joan Jett hair, and that looked okay, I suppose. She’s certainly shedding the pounds. They’re not in danger of going home.

Hope Solo with Maks Chmerkovskiy: Hope was accused of not working hard, which pissed her off (as they knew it would). They danced a Tango to a badly-done rendition of Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ On A Prayer.” I’m not sure what that was at all, other than a mess. The little 5-second routine with the microphone at the end was useless. Didn’t deserve three 8’s.

Rob Kardashian with Cheryl Burke: Cheryl has this dullard on a short leash, which is what he needs (and what she needs as an Alpha female). They brought Romeo to help him be “sexeh,” then dancing a hurried and chaotic Rumba to Lionel Ritchie’s “Hello.” Yet again the judges praise sloppy work. Are the Kardashians paying off the show, or are the judges just hoping to make an appearance on his reality show,

Chaz Bono with Lacey Schwimmer: Lacey brought out her dad, dance instructor Buddy Schwimmer (his XXL frame explains why Lacy always seems to have issues keeping the lbs off in the off-season). They danced a Samba to Earth Wind and Fire’s “Get Down On It,” and the Chazzy certainly seems to be moving better, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be winning the damned thing. That chubby little ewok is still at risk to go home.

Carson Kressley with Anna Trebunskaya: They danced a Jive to Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Gogo” (Hey, I remember back when they were called Wham UK!) and … wow, that was an uncoordinated mess. “A crowning achievement in madness.” Carson retorted, “We’ll let America decide,” when Len suggested they might not be back next week. And really, I love Carson, but Len may be right.

Nancy Grace with Tristan MacManus: Nancy Grace: the angriest cheerleader in America. My god, how annoying is she? She takes any of criticism as a personal attack and lashes out. She’s like an internet troll (except she’s a troll with her own show). They danced a Rumba to Spandau Ballet and it was more like a rumble. Like every ungainly step she took. I may regret saying this—but I’m starting to like Ricki Lake more than this witch. I hope she goes home soon.

Tomorrow on Dancing With The Stars: Results!

If you want results, don’t follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, if you’re dim!