TWO AND A HALF MEN “Nine Magic Fingers” Review

TWO AND A HALF MEN “Nine Magic Fingers” Season 9 Episode 4 – Or, as I called it, “Skank City.”

Or “The episode in which Ashton Kutcher was almost funnier than Jon Cryer.” Though this was because Jon Cryer was terrible and over-the-top. This show is starting to reek of desperation.

First off, with regard to Cryer—when did Ducky start looking like Howdy Doody? I’m not sure what this show is doing with his makeup, but it’s going wrong. You can’t cake it on to hide age. Especially in HD. Hey, CBS: in this instance, less is more.

So Allen is trying to rekindle his relationship with Lindsay (Courtney Thorne-Smith—going through the motions), and she’s not quite as on board as he is. Though she was making out with him as they stumbled through Walden (Ashton Kutcher)’s front door. (Though she immediately then started flirting with Walden.) And she did have sex with him. (Though after his two minutes were up, she immediately then invited Walden to join her in bed.) Still, I feel there’s a connection missing between the two of them…

(Possibly because women find patent desperation sickening.)

But here’s the connection that’s missing with me: why the hell are the writers portraying every woman on the show as a moral-bereft skank? Come on. I get that sitcoms have long been about sex; Three’s Company made sexpisodes a legitimate form of comedy. Thinking that, it occurred to me they’re sort of rehashing old Three’s Company jokes. Or at least Jon Cryer is trying to channel Jack Tripper.

(But he’s failing, you see, because he’s too old to play Jack Tripper. The ridiculous faces just fail to find their footing on a face covered in pancake makeup.)

Back to sex—or the only topic the show finds interesting. Too much is too much. When the only way you can squeeze a joke into every 12.5 seconds of the show is by portraying every single character as a morally bankrupt skeev…

Seriously, I find it cringe-inducing rather than funny. It’s like they’re so afraid Charlie will return that their only answer is to be dirtier than he is.

Jenny McCarthy made a re-entrance as yet another one of Charlie’s exes, Con Artist Courtney. (I’ve always suspected the choice of name was in homage to that ultimate huckster, Courtney Love, who fooled Kurt Cobain and much of the rock world into thinking she was a legitimate talent.) As the most open and out-of-the-closet of the episode’s skanks, she was actually the most likable character.

Jake made his usual minimal entrance. “Jake! Oh, you’ve grown!” “It’s just my cel phone.” Jake then left, as he was probably contractually obligated to do. Angus T. Jones must be pissed. (As pissed as a teenager can be, making a gazillion dollars doing absolutely nothing.) I can’t help but feel like they’re squeezing dude out. It’s just going to be One And A Half Men soon, because Allen shouldn’t count as a full man.

Conchata Ferrell’s Berta is just plain played out. She has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. She waddles in, growls her lines, and waddles out.

Walden’s soon-to-be ex-wife had the best line of the night: “Allen called and told me you were doing something stupid, and I just met her.” Ba-dump ching!

And of course Charlie is still a topic. “Charlie tartar” was a nice line (one of the few). I have the feeling his ghost is going to loom large enough that, should the show start to fail, they’ll bring him back.

And the way it’s going… it’s going to fail. They’ll bring him back within two years. That’s my prediction, anyway.

And then Two And A Half Men will get really dirty.

If this show disgusts you, follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you Hole fans!