DANCING WITH THE STARS Season 13 Episode 7 Review


Oh, Tom Bergeron. He says his daffy lines with at least some semblance of a straight face.

So it was Movie Theme night, and… Wait, was that a Louis Van Amstel sighting?! Always love it when they open with a real dance number. With real dancers. And no stars. And with real fire.

What, a real western firepit in the middle of a dance floor surrounded by women in whirling skirts is a great idea! Safer that real lightsabers, at any rate. (“You can never go wrong with lightsabers and spray tanning,” quipped Tom. Troo dat.)

So here’s how I ranked ’em this week, top to bottom:

Ricki Lake with Derek Hough: They did a Tango to the Psycho theme, and the choreography drove Derek… psycho!? (Ricki would drive me psycho, but by now you all probably know my feelings on her. She’s so fake. But she dances competently.) I can’t help but think that whenever the judges effuse their praise, they’re directing it at Derek. Or maybe that’s just me. Anyway, they scored two 10’s—not really deserved—but they get my top vote in a rather underwhelming night.

Hope Solo with Maks Chmerkovskiy: “You’ve got a Friend” in Maks! Okay, probably not so much. But he sure can dance. Basically, if you don’t go crazy and shoot him during rehearsals you may actually learn something. Len wasn’t thrilled, but hey, it was cute. Golly! They should be safe!

J.R. Martinez with Karina Smirnoff: The Foxtrot proved tricky. Yes, his “lines” were fine. Yes, he can dance. But it bored me, quite honestly, so I find myself agreeing with Carrie Anne rather than Len and Bruno. But is he in danger? No frickin’ way.

David Arquette with Kym Johnson: They danced a paso to the Indiana Jones theme. Loved the whip, loved the hat, but Arquette looked a little lost in the choreography. It was a little forced. I’m agreeing with Len rather than Bruno and Carrie Ann. It was entertaining–not great.

Carson Kressley with Anna Trebunskaya: Carson kills me. Sadly, I’d rather see him cracking jokes (“Thank you for coming with an unbuttoned shirt”) than dancing. Though you can tell he loved getting into costume, fake beard and all. Carson and Anna’s costumes were much more impressive than the dance itself. It was his most butch performance. Revenge of the Gay Blade! He’s putting the Len in reLentless! (If you watched the show, you know none of those lines were mine.)

Rob Kardashian with Cheryl Burke: Has there ever been a more bland, monotone contestant? “I don’t wamt to be thought of as some loser brother who doesn’t have a job.” Well, Rob, do you have a job? Slumming on reality TV doesn’t count. And Rob, sweetie, you can’t get away with the ripping-open-the-Clark Kent shirt thing. It was already done. And by a much better dancer than you. Carrie Ann is insane that she likes this guy. He’s so bland! I just don’t see it.

Nancy Grace with Tristan MacManus: I’m just continuously repulsed by this woman. Not in a Ricki Lake “She’s 100% Fake” sort of way, but in a “She’s Really Frickin’ Mean” sort of way. Just an unlikable woman. Their Paso was more bull-and-matador (and you know who played which) than Flash Gordon, but sure, she exuded ‘tude. She just has no skill.

Chaz Bono with Lacey Schwimmer: Well when you bring in an extremely aged Richard Simmons for comic effect, you’re really desperate for a laugh or two. You can’t argue that this was probably the Chazzy’s best performance (though moving Carrie Ann to tears—uh, okay, back on your medication young lady), which makes it hard to say he’ll be going home. Especially since…

Chynna Phillips with Tony Dovolani: Does anyone else see Tony as slightly abusive? At the very least dismissive. And he shouldn’t be; he’s Tony Dovolani, not Derek freaking Hough. The last time he choreographed something interesting was … well, I don’t remember it. “Mission Impossible” indeed. And it might be part of the reason this dance fell apart. Len (“the Gallagher of ballroom judging”) was right, they were terrible. If she stays on the show, it’s basically pity votes keeping her here. A score of 21 is pretty damned generous, even so. If Chaz had been terrible she might be safer. But it looks grim.

Tomorrow: could it be that the results show is only going to be one hour long? And there will be no pre-show?? Pinch me, I’m in Dancing With The Stars heaven.

Pinch me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you perverts!