DANCING WITH THE STARS Season 13 Episode 5 Review

DANCING WITH THE STARS Season 13 Episode 5 – It was “Tell us about your most unforgettable year” so they set up all the tear-jerker stories, ready-made. Here is how I ranked them (or rather the dancing that accompanied them):

J.R. Martinez with Karina Smirnoff: Of course they went to his Iraq survival story. Add to that a Tim McGraw “lost at war” song, and it’s basically Get Out of the Way—This Is My Episode. You already know where it’s going to go when the audience is cheering even before the song starts. Not much more to say. Game over, man. He may not have gotten top score, but that could carry him all the way to the finals.

Ricki Lake with Derek Hough: It still galls me she got Hough. My distrust in anything that comes out of her pie hole extends even to this; like what behind-the-scenes strings did she pull to get this pairing? Seriously. That’s what goes through my mind. She danced to “Gravity” by Sarah Bareilles, and it was nice and typical great Hough choreography. Top score, sure, but still not as emotional as J.R.

Chynna Phillips with Tony Dovolani: Last week they were told to “bring it” this week, so they sort of did. At least I think she did. Her “lines” were nice I guess? She could use a better choreographer; Dovolani isn’t a Hough, put it that way. Chynna’s tale of woe wasn’t much of a tale of woe, but more of an excuse to dance a rumba to the song she wrote (with Carney, Wendy, and Glen Ballard) for Wilson Phillips. (Has that ever happened? Someone dancing to their pop song?)

Carson Kressley with Anna Trebunskaya: I love me some Carson, so I am glad he crushed it. His favorite year was 2003 when “Queer Eye” hit, so he danced to No-Doubt’s “It’s My Life,” and—hey, it was all about the shoes. (I’m married; I know this for a fact.) He’s no Fred Astaire, but that man can high kick. As Len said, he “put the boy in flamboyant.” Excellent!

David Arquette with Kym Johnson: Oi! David chose… this last year! Divorce! Alcohol abuse! All those exciting things. So he danced the rumba (“the dance of love”) to “Ooh Child,” a rather dull song in my opinion, but it turned out surprisingly well. Especially given his terrible performance last week. Likely not in trouble this week.

Hope Solo with Maks Chmerkovskiy: Athleticism is one thing; Hope has more power in her ankles than most women have in their entire bodies. But they’re right that she walks like an athlete on heels (a male athlete). Odd that her year was… this year? When her team lost the World Cup to Japan? Okay.

Rob Kardashian with Cheryl Burke: What an annoying twart this dude is. How can anyone make the tale of their father’s passing seem as lackluster and emotion-less as him? Dancing the Foxtrot to “Fly Me To The Moon” was unimpressive, yet the judges continue fawn over him. He’s basically a posable doll for alpha female Cheryl to put into interesting poses. I was amused Kim, in the audience, didn’t even really want to give her brother the standing O.

Kristen Cavallari with Mark Ballas: No one seems quite so desperate to do well and be liked than reality show “stars,” so I guess it shouldn’t surprise me Cavallari is at least attempting the hard stuff—and even hitting the mark at times. I’m vaguely amused that they introduce her as “Television star Kristen Cavallari.” Her year was 2005, and she…. moved to Los Angeles! (Tear jerker!) “Crazy in Love” by Beyonce was basically a love letter to herself.

Nancy Grace with Tristan MacManus: Following last week’s “wardrobe malfunction,” I sort of love the fact that Tristan double (triple) (quadruple) checked her bust line. That Scot is growing on me. Nancy dancing to “Moon River” honoring the near-deadly birth of her twins was nice and motherly, I suppose, but it doesn’t really make her a better dancer.

“Author and activist” Chaz Bono with Lacey Schwimmer: The Chazzy seemed even less at ease this week, and it didn’t help him that much. His most memorable year was this year; clearly becoming a dude is probably the most memorable thing that could happen to a chick. Which makes it odd he chose a song by his dad a little odd, but I guess the lyrics find their mark. “Why can’t I be like any guy?” indeed. They could be going home tomorrow; those kisses Schwimmer was throwing at the camera looked like good-bye kisses. She should probably start making vacation plans. There aren’t any more faceless Italian women to kick off any more.

So I predict Dancing With The Stars loses Chaz tomorrow. 98% sure.

If you dance like an athletic man in heels, follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker!