AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL “Ashlee Simpson” Review

America's Next top model ashley simpson

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL “Ashlee Simpson” Cycle 17 Episode 2 – First thing’s first: that opening credits sequence, bookended by Tyra in all her crazy is awesome.

Okay, let’s get into this episode: Tyra’s first action is to bring in some brand master called Martin who boils the girls down to a single word: girlfriend; unique; tough; proud. The girls, as you’d expect, take this way too seriously and come out with gems like: “If we confuse our fans too much, we’ll lose fans.” Brilliant…cheers for that, corporate America. As if this show wasn’t dumb enough.

The next day is the all wonderful America’s Next Top Model makeover and, predictably, there are several meltdowns, a lot of manipulated editing, some serious meanness. Of course, Ashley Simpson is the guest judge: “Hey girls. You all know Ashlee Simpson: actress, recording artist, Broadway star…”

Later Jay has her comment on looks and images. “And with your music, isn’t the look so important?” Ashlee: “It’s all about your image.”

Later during make up she offers another little nugget. When Jay asks how many times she changed her hair color, her reply is: “Oh…I don’t even think there’s a number for it!” Really, Ashley, really?

The photoshoot is with Pink hotdogs. Listening to Jay of course, Pink’s Hotdog built America from the ground up and it’s an institution as important, if not more so, than the government itself. A lot of time is made watching the models pose looking insanely constipated while the other models bitch about how shit they are as human beings.

At judgement, Ashlee offers a few critiques so that she’s not the most useless judge on the planet. Kayla was really confused by the word “free” so she decided to just wing it. The girls are judged based on how well they embody the word they were given that defines their being while posing with a hotdog.

Nigel shaves his head because change is stupid and the public will only like him if he’s bald.

The best photo goes to Lisa, next up is Bianca. The bottom two are Kayla and Gina and because people like lesbians more than Asians (goddammit, I’ve succumbed to worshipping a brand!). Also, Kayla was never in a shell.

But she doesn’t go home, whatserface does, which is…I can’t even pretend to care really.

What did you think of this episode? Sound off in the comments below.

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