DEATH VALLEY “Two Girls, One Cop” Review


DEATH VALLEY “Two Girls, One Cop” Season 1 Episode 4 – If “Two Girls, One Cop” sounds like a porn flick, it’s little wonder as this week’s Death Valley revolved around the biggest industry in the San Fernando Valley–pornography. And, you know, there were also werewolves.

Turns out the zombie/werewolf/vampire apocalypse has given porn producers another disease to worry about; when one of their actors (in true Hollywood actor form) decides he can control his lycanthropy with homeopathic drugs, yoga and butterfly kisses, he winds up on the set of a movie on a full moon and the best makeup girl in the Valley winds up dead.

Of course, most of our dedicated cops are more than happy to spend their shift tracking down a werewolf on a porn set. Stubeck is, of course, a collector of porn and even Carla confesses to enjoying her fair share of it. Only John-John is the lone hold-out; as a father, he just wants to know why these girls have sex on film. Were they abused, abandoned, never hugged enough? No. They need money for college like everyone else. Only they have the advantage of being hot enough to make it in porn.

Unfortunately, our jerk of a werewolf-actor ends up scratching one of the porn princesses deeply enough to infect her with the virus, giving her another monthly visitor for life. Maybe the porn industry can cash in on this. Crazy werewolf sex tapes. Wouldn’t you buy one? Don’t front; you’re as freaky as the next guy.

Meanwhile, during the full moon, Kirsten has the thankless task of going around to every home in the Valley that has a registered werewolf and make sure that they’re ready to lock themselves up for the night. It’s all very Oz in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only with wireless internet connections and doggie dishes.

Someone at MTV must have heard my prayers, though, because there were no appearances of the idiot captain this week, but there was a whole lot of Kirsten’s butt-kicking awesomeness. When one of the wolves escapes, she tracks him down, beats the crap out of him and returns him to his owner. All in a days work and she never even messed up her perfect blonde ponytail. I love this girl.

I have to give the makeup department props for not even trying to make the wolves look any better than Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf. Death Valley isn’t a serious show, so we didn’t need realism and certainly not CGI. We needed hairy dudes with fake contacts and fangs and that’s exactly what we got. Frankly, I would have been fine if Twilight had gone the same way.

What did you think of this week’s episode? Do you know what an insert guy does? (Just yes or no…this is a family website, guys.) Is two terabytes of porn too much? Let me know below!