DEATH VALLEY “Blood Vessels” Review

DEATH VALLEY “Blood Vessels” Season 1 Episode 3 – I found “Blood Vessels,” this week’s episode of Death Valley, to be fairly amusing, but I can’t be sure if it was the writing or the fact that I spent years working for a blood bank. If our mobiles had been hijacked by vampires and overun by zombies, life would have been so much more interesting.

Apparently, there’s a blood shortage in the Valley which may have something to do with the fact that vampires are running the blood drives and consuming the products almost straight from the vein. Four mobile trucks are stolen, dozens of patients and one perky TV reporter are killed and our brave heroes in blue are assigned to find the missing vehicles and kill any undead creatures who stand in their way.

Except for Kirsten. Yet again, poor, pretty Kirsten is sidelined by her boss, Captain Dashell. Instead of being sent out with the big boys, she’s given the slightly sexist task of going to a teenage party and spying on Dashell’s niece. I get that Dashell is this show’s answer to Steve Carrell on The Office, but I’m torn as to whether I want to keep him around or see him get bitten by a zombie. I don’t think Kirsten would have any trouble pulling a shotgun on him if he was.

But it turns out that Kirsten’s assignment is much bigger than simply catching a teenage girl having a drink with her friends. She winds up stumbling onto a new and dangerous fad…kissing a vampire and getting buzzed off its sweet saliva. You know, if Edward’s spit is like LSD, it would completely explains Twilight.

Like a good cop, Kirsten is all set to tell Dashell about his niece’s extracurricular activity, but then he has to go and patronize her some more and she decides to keep it to herself, opting instead to keep trailing his niece, perhaps in an attempt to single-handedly bring down a supernatural drug ring. Which is admirable and, given the fact that all the men on the force are idiots, probably a much better idea than trying to enlist their help in anything more intellectually strenuous than stomping on zombie heads.

Seriously, what is it about the men in this show? Kirsten and Carla take their jobs as seriously as anyone can take killing zombies and vampires outside of Sunnydale, but the beefcakes of the police force seem like they’re in it just to shoot some guns and eat some cookies. And while they’re pretty good at both, it seems as if my previous assumption that all of the good cops got killed off early on and these boys are the bottom of the Academy barrel might have been spot on.

Black comdies are supposed to be funny, but the genuinely amusing moments of Death Valley continue to be few and far between. Unless you consider the whole show to be an exercise in absurdist theatre which happens to be caught on film…but that might be giving it more credit than its due. It could just be a great concept with terrific production value and mediocre writing.

What did you think of this week’s episode? Do you want animal crackers? Or a nice pint of A-Neg? Let me know below!!