BACHELOR PAD Season 2 Episode 5 Review

BACHELOR PAD Season 2 Episode 5:

I had my fingers crossed that Blake the Angry Dentist would be physically, emotionally, and sexually assaulted by Princess Erica and her tiara. Sadly the house-voted Ugliest Girl in the Mansion wasn’t going to stoop to physical rape, so she merely crossed her arms over her plus-sized bosoms and looked annoyed when he stuck to his guns and (stammeringly) turned her down.

And that was the end of Blake, who always wanted to be a flying squirrel, and Erica, who always just wanted to have lots of sex with lots of men. Because even when you have two free roses to hand out, you better damned well ensure there are other people who feel threatened enough to actually toss aside their alliances in order to give you a free ride for one extra week.

(Which Ella and whatsisname—seriously, what’s his name?—were ready to do, but clearly they felt Kasey and Vienna were more trustworthy.)

(Lolz.)

I have to hand it to the producers of Bachelor Pad yet again, since they were the ones who decided it would be the women of each couple actually making the votes. Which put Holly (^_^) in a tearful bind. I think for this episode I need to change Holly’s name from ^_^ to T.T … since she’s basically picking up where Crazy Melissa left off and baaawwwing her way through most of these episodes now.

Though the ultimate baawwww award has to go to poor single mother Ella and her poor, destitute nine-year old son. Today was the Ella And Her Tears show. They need the money so bad…!

I’d say “Cry me a river,” but Ella already did. Memo to Ella: What, they don’t pay you to be on reality TV? Of course they do. Are you completely lacking in any sort of professional skills whatsoever? Can’t type? Can’t sweep floors? Walk dogs? There’s always prostitution. You’re not wholly unattractive. Just pack up, move to Vegas, join the Bunny Ranch, make some dough.

(What? She was already a contestant on The Bachelor. There’s a really fine line between that and the first profession.)

Of course I still think Vienna is basically one of the most shallow, self-involved people ever to appear on reality TV—and folks, that’s saying a lot. But how great was her line, “I feel that (a personal tragedy story like Ella’s) is something you save until the end. And then make it real sincere.” Well played.

Michelle Money still clearly has a Husband Hunt for Grant locked in. I’m not sure he feels the same about her, other than thinking she’s hot. “I would like to have Michelle as a part of my life for a very long time” sounds semi-commited at first listen, but really, that’s also the same sort of thing you could say regarding a quality dentist.

Speaking of dentists, T.T was certainly very ^_^ when she distracted Blake with that bikini. “I just happened to walk by in a bikini. Blake didn’t have to look.” ^_^

Uh huh. Like I said before, that girl’s well on her way to partygirl central.

But in the end, Blake the Angry Dentist is gone, along with Erica, my (and Erica’s) choice for “smartest person in the house.” Next week is the—

Egads. It’s the three-plus hour finale. Oh, joy. I just love three straight hours of Bachelor Pad.

If you want more than three straight hours of me, follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you bunch of … freaky-ass … flying squirrels!