BACHELOR PAD Season 2 Episode 4 Review

BACHELOR PAD Season 2 Episode 4 – “Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves. But Melissa wears hers on every article of clothing she’s wearing every single day. Including her hair tie. And her panties.”

TMI, Michelle Money. TMI.

Hello, prostitution fans! Welcome to another review of Bachelor Pad, where I, your irascible Axemonkey, sit atop my lofty perch in judgement of the lesser-more’d attention whores who populate this show.

Some people think I look askance at ABC / Disney for even producing such a massive skankfest, and it’s just not true. Rather, I judge them for producing The Bachelor and The Bachelorette—two shows that essentially compel its questionably intelligent contestants to compete for the right to marry the one person they (ABC / Disney) at some point decided was basically suitable for anyone to marry. Because, seriously, who in their right mind—besides an attention seeker or an extremely shallow individual—would put themselves in that position in the first place?

Bachelor Pad isn’t any of that. Bachelor Pad has already sorted out the most self-serving, self-promoting, self-glorifying and stupid people, and invited them all to be “cooped up” (that’s the phrase that gets tossed around the most) in a Hollywood mansion and compete for a sum of money that is, essentially, the same amount as the tax on my house. Hell yes, ABC, make a game out of this!

In fact, I think the producers see the twisted humor in it. You don’t have to wait until the credits roll and see how they’re gonna sneak “Masked Jeff” into the mansion this week (though this week they did not, opting instead for some girl-on-girl action) in order to realize they kind of find this thing funny too. The 40 seconds they stayed on Blake while he brushing his teeth while Mount St. Melissa stood there, fuming and silent, was comedy gold. I’m serious!

So kudos to them for at least getting the joke. I have a feeling they’re allowed a much freer rein with their inner imp as far as Bachelor Pad is concerned.

Now if only the contestants were as savvy. Mensa candidates they are not. When the smartest person in the room is “Princess” Erica, you know you’re a few pearls of wisdom short of a necklace. (Though it seems Erica wants one of those too.)

Dumbest amongst them might be the heady duo of Michael and Holly. I mean, Michael immediately comes off as pretty dopey, but Holly’s constantly swerving attentions remind me of a kitten who just sits there being cute, not really knowing anything else to do, who keeps turning her head to look at whatever shiny bauble is being flashed her way at the moment. “Ooooo, prettyyyy….”

But she also plays that crap up for the camera: “I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date this great,” she said after that roll-around date with Blake the smug-but-still-angry dentist. The then paused and added, with a cute li’l wince, “Ever.” Because—tee hee!—that means those thousand-and-one dates she went on with Michael were totally the suck!


Also: “If Michael ever finds out I had this much fun on my date…” Pause. “It’s gonna break his heart.”


(I may decide to change Holly’s name from Holly to ^_^. It will be like Prince.)

Other than the Holly / Blake makeout session, it looked like a pretty worthless date. Look at how cute and clumsy ^_^ is in the snow! All the guys think she’s into them because she’s continually giggling during their dates. Hello! That’s all she does! That chick’s just a giggle machine.

So two more got the boot: William b/c boring, and crazy Melissa b/c not boring. That Kirk dude was pretty boring too; I feel like Ella is clinging to him because there are really no other options. And also because they were stuffed into a hot air balloon along with the balloon operator that the camera tried (and failed) to ignore. Tight squeeze. I can’t imagine Kirk has much game. He tried to use the “I almost died” story on her and she countered with, “Oh yeah? I watched my mother get shot to death when I was freaking eight!” And he basically had nothing left to say after that.

Lastly, and most seriously, do all the guys have the exact same haircut? I can only tell some of them apart when they’re called by name.

Follow me on Twitter and get a free dude-bro haircut! That’s @Axechucker, you lookalike wannabes!