BACHELOR PAD Season 2 Episode 3 Review

Bachelor Pad

BACHELOR PAD Season 2 Episode 3:

Who says reality shows can’t be like a good weekly serial drama and end in a cliffhanger? Not that I would ever give actual props to a lowest common denominator show like Bachelor Pad, but that’s pretty ballsy. Chris Harrison with his “The next name I speak is the contestant going home…” and then saying “—Jake—“ in an obvious cut scene…

Cut to black. Roll credits. Lowest common denominator fanbase screams.

Well now I’m almost sure it’s Kasey. And how awesome would that be? Because I need to watch the psychotic “power couple” one more week like I need a hot poker in the eye. Every time I watch either of them speaking on camera I feel my I.Q. drain another dozen points. (And I didn’t start with that many to begin with!) Though even I admit it’s pretty hilarious, watching that ‘neck pull out a ring box and having Vienna gasp reflexively, “I don’t want it to be an engagement ring!”

Train wreck. So while I like their pain, I’m just really sick of her face.

Not that I fall into any sort of “Team Jake” stance. Because that dude is a douchebag—probably one of the most self-involved dudes on reality TV—and also needs to be off my television screen. But the opportunity to see cross-eyed Vienna attempt to share a house with Pavelka without her man-shield present is just too enticing for words.

I also want “Princess” Erica, the cast-voted “Ugliest Girl on Bachelor Pad” to stick around a while longer, because she’s so fake she’s real. And I want her to corner Jake with her gigantic puffed up lips and her monstrous arms to extract some sort of forcible mating attempt from his ass as a reward for saving him.

What the hell is wrong with Angry Dentist Blake? There are times where he seems to realize that Crazy Melissa is indeed Crazy Melissa, and he turns his (questionable) charm on in order to stave off her wrath… but then he gets comfortable again and decides, “Naaahhh, I think I’m safe, I think I’ll tell her I want to be platonic.” What a tard. That kind of short-term memory’s not going to keep the dentist alive for long.

Loved the cameo by washed up Rock of Love star Bret Michaels. Because the late 80’s didn’t give me enough of Poison’s “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn.” Shine on, you crazy bandana-glued-to-a-wig-to cover-your-balding-dome diamond.

And while we’re on the subject of Bret’s totally sincere serenade, I also kind of love that goofy Michael doesn’t yet realize he’s completely cramping his ex’s style. He can’t quite see the same thing we see when we look at “cute n’ bubbly” Holly: this chick’s only real goal is to go out and be a total party slut. She’s tasted the wild life, and to be honest, I think she was looking at Bret Michaels like he was something to eat.

Anyway. Thanks for the cliffhanger, ABC. At least you surprised us. If it’s Jake going home, well, good night, douchebag. If it’s red-faced Kasey, the good news is we won’t have to hear him attempt to serenade Vienna any more. Dude sounded like Cartman trying to do the Backstreet Boys.

“This is for America! This is for my girlfriend!”

So’s this. Boot!

If you think Bret Michaels would be good to eat, follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you ‘necks!