THE BACHELORETTE (2011) Week 9 (Season 7 Episode 9) Review

THE BACHELORETTE (2011) Week 9 (Season 7 Episode 9) – This show is like one giant game of chicken. It’s Love Chicken. Whoever twitches and says “The L Word” (no, not Lesbians) first is declared the loser. At least that’s what it feels like in Ashley and J.P.’s world.

Ben? Ben just can’t get the words to come out. He thinks them. He wants to say them. He just ends up going “Ab bahb ah ahb bahh!” and looking doofily (doofily is a word) into Ashley’s eyes.

I love that Nice Ryan was allowed to follow Ashley to Fiji at his own whim (and on what one assumes was his own dollar). First of all, how insanely pitiful is that? C’mon, man. That’s rule one: Never follow a woman to Fiji uninvited. I almost fell off of my couch laughing when they gave us the visual of a lonely Ryan standing forlornly on the beach as Constantine and Ashley’s plane soars off into the sunset above him…

“Well, it’s been … two days…”

Props to the editors there.

More proof that this is The Best Show Ever, Constantine, when faced with the “dreaded” fantasy suite card, bowed out rather than play his part. “I want to show you a little respect,” he said, and allow me to translate that for you: “I would rather not be seen as one of three dudes who bangs you on back-to-back-to-back nights.” He was probably thinking the same thing I was: Ash is just tryin’ ’em on for size.

Maybe he didn’t know if he’d stack up well. Maybe he didn’t want to look like a total man-whore on television. (A little late for that, Bachelorette contestant!) But with Ashley’s eyes boring into him, dude flinched, and the c-c-c-commitment word just stuck in his throat.

I don’t blame him. He can always say he came in third on The Bachelorette. What better bragging right in this world is there? It’s exactly what I would want to be remembered for.

Speaking of ABC letting their moral high ground go all the hell, I love it that Disney was totally fine with showing the visual of Ben rubbing sunblock lotion on Ashley’s breasts. I may be way off here, but I’m guessing if she’d been a D-cup rather than a B-minus, they would have felt it inappropriate, what with all that flesh jiggling beneath his hands. As it was, ol’ Ash lying on her back doesn’t produce much of a wiggle on top at all. I can imagine, in my admittedly screwed up inner mind’s eye, one of the ABC execs going, “It’s the same as showing someone applying sunblock to a man! There’s nothing wrong with this!”

(In fact, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it. I’m not coming at this from a moralistic viewpoint at all. Hell, television needs more visuals of sunblock being applied to women in string bikinis. But I can also imagine a few households temporarily sputtering as Innocent Little Suzie goes, “Mommy, why is that man rubbing her boobies?”) (Followed cheerfully by, “That’s what my sister Sarah and her friend Danny do when you and daddy are at the movies!”)

Awesome.

So this game is J.P.’s to lose. Again, it’s a game of chicken. And since we’ve already seen footage of Ashley sobbing pitifully in her nice, not-quite-virginal off-white dress whilst standing alone and forlorn on the beach, I can only hope that the dude she chooses decides not to propose.

But I guess we’ll see. Don’t forget (like I did this weekend—sorry, Entourage)—there’s some good television to watch on Sunday, as The Bachelorette has its reunion show. The men tell all! Maybe Mask Guy will wear his mask again. And we get more BENTLEY! Life is always better with Bentley.

And then Monday is the finale. Come see if a morally loose woman can catch herself a husband, y’all!

If you too are a morally loose woman (or man, I’m not picky), follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you skankmonkeys!