THE BACHELORETTE (2011) Week 8 (Season 7 Episode 8) Review

THE BACHELORETTE (2011) Season 7 Episode 8 – Goodbye, Ames. You and your pregnant forehead and your constantly befuddled look have hit the road, much as I predicted. You’d make a great shopping friend for Ashley. Little else, because there were no sparks. Aloha means goodbye.

But now it gets harder for ol’ Ash, doesn’t it? You’d think this thing is J.P.’s to lose, since she can hardly stop touching him. I wish she’d make up her mind on what sort of hairstyle she likes; she admitted Ben’s long hair was “part of the reason” she was attracted to him, and has said Constantine is “physically my ideal” … and yet it’s J.P. and his U. S. Army skinhead cut that she can’t keep her hands off of.

I love J. P.’s mom, the typical Long Island Jew Mother. Has there ever been a Long Island Jewish woman who hasn’t proudly brought out multiple (or in this case one massive) pictures of her freshly bar mitzvah’d boy? No. It’s hard for me to get over the fact that the topic of ASHLEY IS NOT JEWISH was never openly addressed. Or maybe it was and ABC decided not to show it and offend a gazillion people. Or maybe that final unveiling of J. P.’s mullet was exactly the kind of subtle message mom was trying to send: You Better Be Ready To Convert Or Don’t You Dare Show Your Backside In My Home Ever Again.

The fact that J. P.’s family is all worried that he may go out of his head—again—if he winds up with another broken heart sends up all sorts of red flags. Can we expect a bridge plummet if Ash kicks him (however unlikely) to the curb? Tune in to ABC and see! Suicidal men are ratings magnets!

Speaking of manipulating an audience’s emotions, they practically had that sad “Here is where I talk about my dead dad” music on a loop. What’s with half the freaking contestants losing their fathers early? Is that part of the psychosis that makes you sign up for this insane concept of a show?

And yeah, I know, Ben’s sister is the culprit who signed him up for the show. But if you agree to appear on reality TV, hey, you basically agree to have a target on your back. You’re public property now. I can make fun of you. And I will.

I don’t see how Ben wins this. He’s too openly earnest. And Constanti—yaawwwwnn.

What? Where was I?

Oh right, I was saying how The Bachelorette was J. P.’s race to lose. He’d need to somehow self-implode, and only then after prying Ashley’s eager hands off of his body. And apparently that’s a possibility, judging from the “Tune in next week!” teaser. Maybe he gets wind that Ashley is spending the night with Ben (again) and totally loses his brain.

Actually, what I loved most about that teaser was the fact that we have been promised more of Ashley’s attention-starved biker chick sister. I almost forgot about her from last season’s The Bachelor. You can imagine anyone with that amount of ridiculous ink has a pretty significant “Please look at me!” complex, and Ashley’s starring role this season can’t be pleasing her. So it’s no freaking wonder she acts out. I wonder which ‘nozzle has her hackles raised?

Guess we’ll see.

Next episode: Fiji and—THE RETURN OF BENTLEY?!

No, probably not. If I have to guess, I’m going to say Bachelor Brad rears his ugly head once more. Looking for a little dot dot dot. If you know what I mean.

If you also like a little dot dot dot, follow me on Twitter! My ellipses are epic. That’s @Axechucker, you dinkmonsters!