THE BACHELORETTE (2011) Week 7 (Season 7 Episode 7) Review

THE BACHELORETTE (2011) Week 7 (Season 7 Episode 7) – What the—

No Bentley mentions. None. I can’t even capslock his name any more because, seemingly, his power is now gone, his mondo-broski energy used up. There are no more men vying for Ashley’s heart through the power of uncaring, standoffish douchine—

But wait! Hark! Bronozzle Constantine comes to the rescue, deftly slipping into that “I could care less” role. And better, I think he’s for real. I think he really could give a rat’s ass whether or not she picks him (though this all-expense paid for vay-cay in the far east sure doesn’t suck), and here’s my prediction—I think dude is the one who makes Ashley baaawwww at the finale. Thank the gods.

Funny they should bring ol’ Emily back for an interview today too (and I’ll get back to that in a moment). She of the wait-it-out-and-play-it-cool tactic that won Brad over (until it didn’t). Because even though I compare Constantine to Bentley, he’s actually closer to Emily, stylistically. Seducing with little looks, never words, and very little actual emotion.

I counted Constantine out because of his name (because who the hell wants to marry a “Constantine?”). That and his earning potential was much less dazzling than, say, investment banker Ames, or oil company exec Lucas (who was so impossibly dull that even the Dallas! lifestyle didn’t appeal to Ashley enough to keep him around). But as we’ve seen, Ashley can be seduced by the unknown. It’s why gosh-golly gee-whiz Ryan got the boot.

(Aside: how awesome would it be if they made Smiley Ryan the next Bachelor? And then they bring in all these real bubbly, positive, up-with-people, save-the-whales, we-can-do-it-because-people-are-neato females to try and out-bubble him, and just see him slowly… get worn down… by insane levels of solar-paneled positivity. My god, that would be genius. Of course ABC would then have to balance things out the following season on The Bachelorette by bringing in a goth chick and a bunch of emo dudes. Which would also be epic.)

I think Constantine can make a run. He just needs to hold things together during Family Week. That “Dino” nickname is going to come out—the one name less romantic than “Constantine”—and he’s going to have to be ready to counter with a careless glance or two.

I think it’s J.P. and Constantine in the final two, unless Constantine gets submarined by his parents. Ames looks puzzled as to why he’s still here. (It’s because you’re a successful banker in NYC, Ames. She wants to see that. Taste it. After this week, you and your pregnant forehead are gone.) Ben keeps sticking around. I don’t understand how the hell can he “stay the night” with Ashley but sleep in a separate room, and I don’t understand why the show didn’t delve into that even more. How does this not even get addressed with a camera? That or she totally banged him and ABC decided it didn’t want “life-ruining” fodder like the kind that plagued poor Emily.

Poor Emily…

Poor Emily my ass. Crocodile tears, I say, or she’s the stupidest women in the world. It’s Brad. The Constant Bachelor. How do you expect him to even try to remain faithful?

At least I think that’s what happened. Way to have a nice, vague interview, ABC. Twenty minutes of us learning absolutely nothing.

Oh well. My only hope is that ABC doesn’t buy the tears and try to make Emily next season’s Bachelorette. Give her what she purports she craves: alone time. I don’t ever want to see that peroxide blonde again.

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