THE BACHELORETTE (2011) Season 7 Episode 3 Review

THE BACHELORETTE (2011) Season 7 Episode 3 – The sound you heard emanating from southern California was my raucous laughter, as all fortunate viewers of The Bachelorette were treated to an episode could very well have been called “Beat On Ashley Day.” They could almost declare a national holiday in celebration of stupidity.

Ashley’s intrinsic negative opinion of her self-worth was reenforced over and over and over again tonight. Epic stuff. A decade of therapy isn’t going to fix this mess.

But that’s what you get…

…when you go on reality TV…

…to try and find (attention) (affirmation) (more attention) love.

Come on, now. Don’t cry any tears for the dental student. This is attention whoreism at its absolute worst. Or best, depending on how you see things.

So Bentley exited stage left (“I hope my hair looked okay”), and while I was hoping he could hang on longer, there’s a nice internet rumor making its rounds that says he comes back for episode six. Now whether “comes back” means anything significant other than to get more screen time and point his finger whilst giving a Nelson laugh (HA-ha!) at Ashley, I have no idea. But I love Bentley. Because he’s so amazingly fake he has to be real. I’m not buying the ringer theory, since I don’t think ABC would have tried to blow the whistle on their own ringer so early. But anything’s possible.

I want to believe Bentley is real. He’s like Santa Claus to me.

More Ashley abuse came at the hands of her supposed “Best First Date Ever,” comedian William. Whose idea was it to “roast” one of the most self-hating women on reality TV? (ABC is back on my “I love you” list. Because you had to know SOMEone was going to go with the “I was hoping for Chantal or Emily” line. And it was William the Comedian. Loving that!)

And sure he was sorry, but was anyone surprised she kept him? Hell no. She secretly expects abuse. This is comfort food to her. It’s a kind of affirmation. I still don’t think he’ll last, because he’s kind of “loom over you” guy, and chicks that have zero self-esteem hate that.

(Okay, most chicks hate that. But them especially.)

The other “solo” dates were non-events. Ben C. and his gigantic jaw muscles came off as a little weak. I think dude is just liking the attention. And him saying “She became MILES more attractive to me” after seeing her dance means he wasn’t really attracted to her at all to begin with. He’s sort of talking himself into it. So while I don’t see any chemistry, he could still be Bentley Part Duh.

(And while we’re at it, what was the deal with the flash mob? Is it suddenly 2008 again? I blame Glee and Modern Family.)

I love the fact that Jeff unmasked and was promptly booted. But I don’t think it was so much his “old man” non-appeal (or the creepy organ music that ABC kindly accompanied his appearances with) so much as his constant… dull… slightly-insane drivel about how true beauty lies within. Disney Corp. probably appreciated the pitch, but I could hear Ashley’s eyes rolling the third time he said it.

J.P.’s solo date went well. He’s handicapped because of his almost-complete lack of hair, but in a way that’s probably making him stand out. And the fact that Ashley said he’s a better kisser than Bentley is—

Well, okay, that’s probably just sour grapes on her end. And hopeful thinking. Because in the end, people, it’s all about the Bentleys. More choice Bentley quotes:

“So I’m not gonna pass up the opportunity to mess with her head.”

And…

“She’s definitely the type of girl I’d totally hook up with every now and then.”

I’m in love. Love! SO sad this bro is gone. Even his laugh slays me.

So Bentley went home of his own accord, Unmasked Jeff went home, and … some other guy who was basically beneath mention. Maybe one of these days I’ll handicap the field. I always intend on doing that, but so many other awesomely retarded things keep happening. It’s a smorgasbord—a cornucopia if you will—of idiocy.

And of course as credits rolled, we got another awesome shot of Masked Jeff sitting on the toilet, reciting various car prices he was reading from a newspaper. To Bentley. While Bentley did his hair.

Really, they had to have just added that at the end. Promised each dude way more screen time or something. How else do you explain that setup?

I don’t care. What a great show. The Bachelorette rules.

If you too are a fan of idiocy, follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you aluminum foil dress wearing… somethingsomethings!

(Okay, that’s not you, that was Ashley. Heavens. What was she thinking?)