THE BACHELORETTE (2011) Season 7 Episode 2 Review

THE BACHELORETTE (2011) Season 7 Episode 2 – I sometimes have a hard time juggling whether or not I despise the FOX network or ABC more. Usually it’s FOX; usually I’m having Firefly flashbacks.

Today it’s ABC, who, in the most heinous act of bubble-bursting—and for reasons completely unknown to logic, save for perhaps a bizarre desperation for better ratings than this show is already getting—already showed us revealing teasers on next week’s episode of The Bachelorette in which Bentley (ringer or not a ringer, that’s the only question left) confronts issue-ridden Ashley and basically tells her he thinks she sucks.

And that he wants to make her cry on national television.

This is the same Ashley who said, and I quote, “I have a pretty good radar. My gut tells me to trust him.” Thanks for basically making today’s episode AND next week’s episode essentially meaningless, ABC. You suck. Are you coddling her? Protecting Ashley from herself and future awesome humiliation? You cannot protect King Robert Baratheon from himsel—

Sorry. Anyway. Let’s get to the dates.

Ashley first chose William the wannabe comic, William who is slightly stalky, looms-over-you guy. And with girls like Ashley that doesn’t last long. Here’s how the mindset of her sort works:

“Oh, he’s into me. But since I have this inner disgust with myself, he must not really be worthwhile, even though he seems fantastic and attentive and funny. There’s something I’m not seeing, because he’s so into me!”

(You know the Ashleys of this world. Each and every one of you do. If you’re not one yourself.)

So I see William lasting maybe a few more shows. But he’s going to stalk, or interrupt one too many times, and that will give her the excuse she needs to go chase someone ungettable. Or the next ungettable dude next to poor self-booting Bentley. Goddamn, ABC. Next time keep that promo to yourselves. I’m all depressed again.

Masked Jeff is still around. Still masked. (And taking the time to vacuum the house in his boxers, apparently.) His allure will probably wear off as soon as he takes his mask off, however, which means the dude that interrupted his stairwell unveiling actually probably saved him for a week. I do kind of love the fact that the show plays creepy organ music when he’s onscreen.

That Mickey dude was dull. Basic boring model guy. Though I liked how he was getting into the coinflipping thing. I think if you make a game out of it, you can basically get Ashley to do anything. She’d make that throaty, grating little squeak, like “OMG!!” and then jump right in to whatever. “Eee! Sex in a shark tank! Sounds dangerous! I will if you will!”

It’s even odds right now as to whether or not she’ll bed down with more then two of the contestants. My money says three.

The trick is going to be keeping Ashley on her toes. Whoever surprises her with the craziest crap while also somehow feeding into her negative self-worth will probably be the winner.

What else happened? Oh, live commercia—errr, I mean performances—by Colbie Caillat, and then live on stage with the JabbaWockeeZ… which may or may not be a spin-off dance troupe from the GorrillaZ, I really have no clue. If that’s what people come to Vegas to see, then hey. Have fun, and I’m glad it’s not me.

(Not that I’m bragging. Last time I was in Vegas I saw BITE: the Vampire Rock Musical. Feel free to make all the “this show bites” analogies you want. I’m guessing JabbaWockeeZ and Colbie Caillat probably kick BITE in its lame ass.)

What else? Oh, we lost Matt (who?), Ryan M. (who?), and Stephen (the hangdog-looking hairdresser). You won’t be missed, boys.

But I’ll be missing my beloved Bentley after next week. Damn you, ABC! Ringer or not, you should have made him ride it out!

If you too want to “ride it out” (euphemisms welcome), follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker! Yee haw!