“And the winner of AMERICAN IDOL 2011 is…” [REVIEW]

AMERICAN IDOL “And the winner of American Idol 2011 is…” Season 10 Episode 39 – “…SCOTTY McCREERY!”

What?! The Lauren Alaina bus finally rolled to a stop? Well you can’t say it was for lack of trying, all the maneuvering FOX did to try and make her number one. It does warm the cockles of my heart, way deep down, maybe somewhere even in the sub-cockle area, to know that there’s still some good ol’ honesty and competition in this thing, and that even the diabolical plottings of suit-wearing studio execs can be foiled by 122 million votes and by American moms and their shrieking daughters.

(You saw the home town stadiums, right? Scotty’s was this MASSIVE pan across a freaking basketball arena, and Lauren’s was a barely-moving camera where we could still see the upper level of her arena was basically empty.)

Or maybe I just don’t care. They’re kind of one in the same to me. Crystal Bowersox could “folk and country” both of their pre-teen asses right off the stage.

Oh, you’re interested in the rest of the show? Fine.

Loved that the first guest was Judas Priest. Oh yeah. “Livin’ After Midnite” and “Breakin’ the Law” are classics to the horn-handed crowd, and Rob Halford almost impaled James Durbin on his three-inch jacket spikes when they hugged. That dude is a metal-fisted sock in the face to anyone who disparages gay men as “girley.” Halford scares me.

They rolled more guest appearances out; Gladys Knight with Jacob Lusk, Tony Bennet with Haley Reinhart, Jack Black with—

Jack Black?

Yeah. He made multiple appearances throughout the show. I guess Kung-Fu Panda 2 is being released soon. Black almost even snuck in on the hug train that McCreery was giving out while he was not-really-singing his not-going-to-be-a-hit song.

Jack Black and Casey Abrams sang “Fat Bottomed Girls” while dancing girls in hot pants cavorted about the stage. And I wouldn’t even really dare to call the dancers “fat-bottomed,” even though they had some definition. Probably closer to “muscle-bottomed girls,” but really how many professional fat-bottomed girls are they going to find that can dance? I mean, if you’re a dancer and still fat-bottomed, suffice to say you probably don’t dance very much. Well, at least as much as the other girls who do it professionally.

Beyoncé made a few appearances too, she just wasn’t as funny as Jack Black. She danced her butt off though. Even though Jennifer Lopez still wears the coveted M.B.W.I.T.W. crown (at least the one People Magazine hands out), I’m gonna say that, when it comes to dancing, Beyoncé still pwns.

Lady Gaga came on too, doing her new single “The Edge of Glory,” in which she stood on top of a, uh, volcano while wearing a Star Wars costume (and to think I waited so long for nerds to be considered cool)… and then she sort of stripped down to a more Gaga-like S&M outfit, and a shirtless dude climbed the volcano and tried to do the nasty with her while she was lip synching, but she would have none of that and instead somehow convinced him to jump with her to their deaths—

Yeah, this was still American Idol. What? That’s not normal?

I liked the re-done half-of-U2 Bono-and-Edge song, accompanied by, I think, the guy who plays Peter Parker in the Broadway debacle “Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark.” The stage production may be a disaster, but hey, I’d buy the song.

If I have to pick the best part of the show, it was probably the “Most Shocking Ejection” skit, wherein Casey Abrams and James Durbin embarked in a faux little competitive debate on whose ouster was more surprising. And the rimshot moment where their argument was broken up by Pia Toscano, already wearing the “Most Shocking” ribbon. Because really, boys.

So that was that. Overall, a rather disappointing season. You can bet your damned life I’m gonna tune in to The X-Factor just to see if Simon can take us back home with some legitimate criticism.

Follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you fat-bottomed girls!