THE SECRET LIFE OF THE AMERICAN TEENAGER “Round II” Season 3 Episode 23 – The Secret Life of the American Teenager is possibly the strangest show I’ve ever watched. You learn so much about these characters, spend so much time watching them, and yet after a whole season I don’t feel a single thing for a single character. When Adrian pours her heart out in the school hallway in front of a crowd of people, I’m less concerned about what she’s saying, more interested in how Francia Raisa is managing to cry out of only one eye. I know she has two of them: look, there they are. So why is she only crying in one? Is it windy on that side of her face?

And its not like she’s not talking about how her cat’s new sailor outfit looks (Adrian doesn’t have a cat. She has a picture of Christ though.) She and Amy and Ricky have a big explosive emotional meltdown that goes something like this:

Amy: I hate you. You brought out all of the sluts who slept with Ricky. Unfertile bitches.

Adrian: Well I hate you. I have Big Ben (giggles. Shot of Ben in the crowd, who is on his default setting: constipated) and a big belly. Give me my baby shower now.

Amy: I’m having a meltdown. Look at me! My brow is furrowed. That means I’m angry. And I’m angry because I’m failing classes. I’ve never failed before in my life. All because of that stupid baby who is now twelve years old, despite the fact that I had him last year.

Adrian: Well I’m pregnant because my mother was a teen mom. And US Weekly doesn’t give a damn about me. Wah.

Amy: OMG I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Which is weird, because the writing on this show ensures that every single character recaps every single thing that every other character has said and or done, even if it has no relation whatsoever to them. How else is Brenda Hampton expected to fill out a forty five minute script? She sure as hell isn’t going to move the story along. I’ve been trying to sleep with Ricky for three years, but the fecker won’t have me.

Adrian: I had sex. It was awesome. Until I got preggers.

Grace: I had sex too. But I was protected by the love of Jesus, birth controls and the permission of my mother.

Ricky: I was abused as a child. Boo yah! Suck it bitches. My sob story beats the shit out of yours.

Grace: Let’s go to the restaurant. I want to parade the supporting female cast members, y’know, the ginger, the Asian and the black one-who usually have nothing to do-around the table. Hey kids, minorities are okay (so long as they’re not given any substantial plot points or aren’t on the cover of merchandise).

Adrian: (patting her baby bump) So is sex.

Amy: So long as you love Jesus and condoms and your parents.

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