THE BACHELORETTE (2011) Season 7 Episode 1 Review

THE BACHELORTTE (2011) Season 7 Episode 1 – Hiya, kids, hiya, hiya, hiya! Uncle Axey here, back for another scintillating season of matchmaking madness. You may remember me from such fabulous former critical hits as “The Bachelor 2011: Brad Womack is a major Douchenozzle,” or even, “The Bachelor 2011: Why Would 30 Young Women Subject Themselves To This Kind Of Humilia—Oh Right, It’s For Attention.”

I want to say, up front and with no bullhonky, if you are the sort of fan who watches The Bachelorette and who chooses a favorite guy, or one or two fave guys, and you ‘ship them into these imaginary dream relationships with Ashley (or yourself), where they have the perfect wedding, and awesome honeymoon, and everything is flowers and unicorns and rainbows…

Well then.

I’m the reviewer for you! You are my people! Keep reading my reviews here at Daemon’s TV. I will bring you joy!

(No, really! I will! What are you afraid of? I make a most joyful noise.)

Generally speaking, I usually begin television show season openers by introducing all the players, but right now there are so many dudes (and bros), it’s kind of pointless. Plus, I need room to first speak about our lovely Bachelorette. Stand back, peoples! Give me some room. The fun begins today!

So… we have Ashley Hebert, who famously came in third on this year’s The Bachelor. ABC apparently couldn’t get Chantal, the runner up, because the human wrecking ball that was Brad Womack crushed her so badly, she ran off and got engaged to someone who was guaranteed not to break her weepy little heart. This is probably someone who (in her eyes) was probably a lesser catch than Brad, but was willing to take the immediate plunge and was a nice, safe “step down” for scarred Chantal. (I don’t feel pity for Chantal. She brought it on herself. Chantal and her fake plastic tree family and her… vampire Pomeranians.)

But two things Chantal had going for her was 1. being what most people consider to be smoking hot, and 2. being a complete drama queen, which translates to good TV. Ashley is an interesting experiment for this show, because she’s not… mmm… how can I put this delicately…?

I don’t “rate” women, but for the purpose of setting this up in a way that only skanks and bros can understand, I’m going to try. Ashley is a 5. And deep down she knows she’s a 5. Sure, she’s dressed up and prettified and squeezed into size-zero dresses. Her hair is nice. Her lipstick gives the illusion that she has lips. Her monstrous fake eyelashes are glued on with meticulous care. And she either got a boob job, or has the world’s most fantastic push-up bra. (We will find out when it’s bathing suit time, I guess.)

And the fact that she’s a schooled professional and not a stripper or whatever, well, that counts for something. But whatever gains she makes in the education department are hamstrung by the massive, enormous, ginormous, somethingelsenormous black hole that is her self-esteem. So basically, ABC is making her out to be an 8. Maybe an 8.5 with the right lighting. But deep down, she still knows she’s a 5. Ashley’s got those wonderful little issues, clearly… the sort of needy personality that acts like a magnet for dudes in bars who’ve struck out with all the 9’s and who are looking for an easy mark. I know women like her. There are a lot of women like her. You know the kind, too—the kind that get warned away from the Bentleys in life, and yet… like a moth to the flame…

(I don’t want to get into beautiful Bentley just yet. He’s clearly going to be around for a while; I’ll have plenty of other opportunities to talk about this awesome guy. I’m rooting for this bro!)

What’s great is they’ve surrounded her with the physical equivalent of a bunch of male models. Not all of them, obviously, but she’s already gotten rid of most of the non-model regular Joes, like poor Anthony* from New Jersey. And right now, for her, it’s all joy. She’s like a kid in a candy shop that knows the candy if free right now, so she’s grabbing it up by the handful.

But mark my words… because of the kind of secretly self-loathing persona we’re being offered in Ashley… I can confidently say this is going to be one of the most entertaining seasons of The Bachelorette yet. So many mistakes to make, so little time. Just like Drunk Tim (I also loved Drunk Tim, though I was hoping Masked Jeff would go all Zoro on his ass), Ashley is gonna crash. And she’s gonna crash hard.

There’s no way she finds happiness. Because A. Who the hell looks for happiness on reality TV? And B. Ashley is Always Picks The Wrong Guy girl.

Any of you care to disagree?

Disagree with me here while you follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you freaky ‘shippers!

*Who are you kidding, Anthony? “Anthony?” You’re a Tony. Come on now.