AMERICAN IDOL “Top 3 Results” Review

AMERICAN IDOL “Top 3 Results” Season 10 Episode 37 – Welcome, my friends, to the show that never ends.

At least that’s what we’ll be saying next Tuesday. Cripes, a double country music whammy. Break out the boots, y’all, we got us some Lauren Alaina, AKA “The Anointed One,” vs. Scotty McCreery, AKA “The Harmless One,” AKA “The One Mom Votes For.”

Okay, they’re both rather harmless, to be fair. The youngest finale ever. Two hours of country music.

… Yay.

Could we be facing the worst finale ever? Hmm. That’s a tall question. I’m thinking… thinking…

Yeah. It’s even worse than Blake whatsisname vs. Jordin Sparks. Because even though you KNEW Blake was stuck with an un-Blake finale song (back when they used to give both finale contestants the same final song to sing) and you knew ahead of time he was screwed (speaking of torpedoed) … at least we knew we’d get different genres with the other songs.

I can’t remember a finale in which both contestants specialized in the same genre. I mean unless you count Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini specializing in “Diva.”

95 million votes, eh? Biggest non-finale tally in history. I was hoping it was because all these rock fans were rising up to try and yank Reinhart through, but I guess we’ll never know. (Perhaps the Zeppelin fans were pissed she even tried.) This does not bode well, to be honest. It alerts FOX (a broadcasting company who’s always been a little, shall we say, slow on the uptake) that yes, country music is indeed alive and well in America, and by golly, if 95 million people are gonna vote AND we still end up with two country crooners, well…

Break out the rhinestones and the ten-gallon hats, people. The next few years on American Idol are gonna resemble Hee-Haw just a little bit.

Seriously, we should be thankful Simon was able to stave it off for so long. When even the Kelley Picklers of this world can come in… what… 6th or whatever… and still have moderately successful recording careers…

That green light you see flashing means CA$H, people.

Anyway. Before any of you think that I consider country music the bane of society, consider the fact that there are a couple music styles I despise much more than country—much more than anything else, really—and both were on display tonight on Idol.

No, not rap. I love rap. When it’s done right.

No, not Il Volo, or whatever.

I’m talking about SKANKpop. And autotuning. Both of which were on display when ex-Pussycat Doll and future-X-Factor “hostess” Nicole Scherzinger took the A.I. stage. Dear lord in heaven, is there anything worse than seeing a talentless “ex-model” writhe on stage in the vain hope she’s the next Beyoncé? Props, I guess, to the fact that you got Fiddy to perform in the song. I’m not sure what kind of pull that takes these days. Probably none.

Not to make this an autotuning rant, but … come on. Hasn’t it about run its course? I thought it had run its freaking course in 2009. Two years later, this vocal gimmick is more popular than ever.

Come on, Music. I don’t expect you, as an industry, to come up with ten-years-ahead-of-its-time Paul’s Boutique-esque Dust Brothers levels of innovation, but damn. This crap is getting old.

At least American Idol contestants aren’t allowed to autotune.

Yet.

… When they do I’m retiring. From life.

Oh, the rest of the show? I guess it was okay. Home-town visits are always uplifting. Unless you have to visit a tornado kill-zone, then maybe not so much.

Brutal.

If you would like me to retire from life early, be sure to follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you axeymorons!