5 TV Characters Who Should Die…Now

5 Characters Who Should Die

The title’s a little bloodthirsty, I know, but it’s been a rough week and my DVR ate half my shows, so I have to take it out on something.

Anyway, you know those annoying characters on shows you otherwise love? The ones that have you reaching for the fast forward button as soon as you get a glimpse of them? Of course you do-you’re picturing one right now. Well, that’s what I’m talking about: characters that bother me enough I want them taken off their shows in a body bag. As a bonus, it could freshen each show up a bit and give them new story arcs. I’m nothing if not generous, after all.

Keeping in mind that this is solely about characters and not the actors who portray them (a couple of these sting more than a little because I do like the actors so much), here are my five choices of characters that should die now.

1. Zoey Pierson on HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
 

My first choice to kill off on How I Met Your Mother would actually be Ted the Tool, but given the premise of the show, that’s not exactly feasible, so let’s go with the other half of this insanely irritating couple: Zoey. Not only is their toxic flood of fighting headache-inducing, but she gives liberals such a bad name. How hypocritically sanctimonious can one character be?

We already know that not only is Zoey not the mother, but her relationship with Ted ends badly, so why is this dragging on for freaking ever? Enough. It’s time for Zoey to chain herself to a tree that is struck by lightning. Twice. The mother could show up in the crowd at the funeral to meet Ted and move this show along.

2. Stan Rizzo on MAD MEN
 

The word smarmy isn’t used that much these days, and watching Mad Men last season, I realized why: until Stan came around, there wasn’t anyone who fit the word so darn perfectly. I’ll admit, his immaturity, chauvinism, and general ickiness gave Peggy some terrific moments and character development as she ran circles around him, but he has now served the little purpose he had and can now choke to death on his own tongue when Peggy strips down again.

Also, I miss Sal.

3. Tara Thornton on TRUE BLOOD
 

I know that she’s been through more in her life than most could ever begin to deal with and that she’s Sookie’s best friend, but I just don’t want to watch Tara on True Blood anymore. I don’t want to see her rage, her hysteria, her trembling lip. I’m horribly afraid of what the writers are going to pile on her next because they take far too much delight in torturing an already unstable woman. Tara is the sort of person around whom you speak very quietly in even tones because at any moment, she could erupt into a fountain of crazy.

For some reason the changes made to Tara from the books bother me more than other tweaks. I was never quite able to adjust to this version of Tara, and then the tragedies started piling up and the breakdowns came in earnest. Now I just want to euthanize her–gently, of course. Consider it a mercy killing-this way she (and I) will find some peace.

4. Will Schuester on GLEE
 

This one is mostly irrational, I’m afraid. I just have an immediate and visceral need to roll my eyes whenever I see Will. I think he has wonderful intentions, but he’s so smug and self-righteous that he sets my teeth on edge. Then there’s the rapping.

It was Glee‘s “Special Education” episode that made me slide from disliking Will to loathing him with the power of a thousand burning suns, though. Giving the solos to Quinn and Sam was fine, but the way Rachel was treated that episode–especially by Will–is completely unacceptable. That was an hour-long bitch at Rachel for being who she is session (so soon after Kurt left the school because of bullying, no less) and Will was right in the thick of it. It made me want him and his smirk to drown in a giant Slushie. I still do.

5. Maria LaGuerta-Batista on Dexter
 

Not only is Maria self-centered, oblivious, and endlessly manipulative, she’s terrible at her job. Her instincts are non-existent, she interferes with her detectives in the worst possible ways at the worst possible times, and her storylines are dull. I simply don’t see what she adds to Dexter anymore.

It’s awful because Maria is supposed to be a strong, confident, smart, and savvy leader, but she has become the exact opposite and I cringe whenever I see her. It’s past time for her to end up on Dexter’s table.

 

Now I know that what’s annoying to me may be awesome to you, so please head to the comments to defend anyone you think I’ve wronged and share the irksome characters you want to die while you’re at it. Come on-it’s fun!

[Disclaimer: No characters were actually harmed during the writing of this article.]

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