DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES “Everything’s Different, Nothing’s Changed” Review

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES “Everything’s Different, Nothing’s Changed” Season 7 Episode 17 – I suppose it would be trite to suggest they could have named the episode “Nothing’s Different, Nothing’s Changed,” but as I’ve said in previous reviews, there’s a certain (large) segment of the Desperate Housewives audience that doesn’t want anything to change.

I found myself daydreaming while watching the show tonight, thinking to myself, “Hmm, what would happen if the writer (Annie Weisman) and the director (David Warren) got a sudden case of Wild Hairs up their Backsides and just hit us with absolutely crazy stuff instead of the usual safe, boring D.H. story?”

It might go a little something like this:

Lynette (Felicity Huffman), in typical Alpha Female fashion, still goes the extra mile in order to force her weeniest-of-weenie husband Tom (Doug Savant) to accept a lucrative job offer that he initially turned down because it might hurt his current boss, Carlos. She still takes the $76,000 Midlife Crisis Lotus out for a test drive … but in the end, instead of Tom going on his weenie “I’m going to drive it around for two more hours!” joy ride, he says, “Screw you, Lynette, you manipulative yenta! I’m keeping the car!” And he drives off at breakneck speed. He blows more money on the car than he will even make with the promotion. Tragically, he then wraps the Lotus around a telephone pole. Tom dies and Lynette ends up alone and wondering who else she might be able to marry and control.

Bree (Marcia Cross) takes her gay loser of a son (seriously, is there a more pitiful gay character on television these days?) Andrew (Shawn Pyfrom) to the AA meeting. But instead of going on a tirade about his control freak mother, “Elvis” blasts Alcoholics Anonymous as an institution, lambasting it as a shrill for Christian conversion and mocking each and every person in attendance by pointing out their social and psychological shortcomings. He then strips down to his tighty-whities and runs in a circle around the ring of chairs while playing a highly rambunctious version of Duck-Duck-Goose. As a crowning act, he slaps Bree upside her ginger head and screams “Goose!” before fleeing out the door.

Susan (Teri Hatcher) is again confronted by Paul (Mark Moses), who blames her for every wrong every person in the neighborhood has ever done to his dying wife Beth (Emily Bergl), completely forgetting that anyone who romances a convicted murderer has every right to be made a pariah. But this time instead of seeing the truth of it all and bursting into badly-acted tears, Paul smiles in a creepy way (sort of like how Martha Huber did at the end) and says, “Everything is going to be alright.” We then see him at the end of the episode alone in his house, sharpening kitchen knives and plotting the path of serial revenge he is about to undertake on Wisteria Lane.

Lastly, Gabrielle (Eva Longoria) attends the spring fling thrown by the can-you-actually-believe-she-is-that-shallow Renee (Vanessa Williams) just like it happened in the show, except this time everyone accidentally contracts fatal food poisoning, littering the living room floor and front lawn with corpses. Renee included. Gabrielle is spared because her fat daughter snuck in and ate her portion (and also died). Or if that’s too callous, Gabrielle, a former model and an expert at “purging,” saves her own life through that tried and true method of staying skinny. Either way, Renee dies. The show is happier for it.

Sadly, “Everything’s Different, Nothing’s Changed” was the same old-same old. Hopefully we’ll get some quality drama somewhere down the line, but it would take some drastically declining ratings to make that happen.

Next week: we’re skipping a week, but the following week Desperate Housewives returns. From the preview, it looks as though Felicity Huffman will once again be showing off her killer bod as Lynette attempts to seduce Tom while on a private jet. Hijinks ensue, undoubtedly.

If you too like hijinks, follow me on Twitter. That’s @Axechucker, though you can also address me as “future writer for Desperate Housewives! I mean, why NOT me?