THE BACHELOR (2011) Finale Review: And The Winner Is…

THE BACHELOR (2011) Finale (2)

THE BACHELOR (2011) Finale Season 15 Episode 11 – So Brad’s choice was a no brainer, and as I expected it would take Emily purposefully subverting the process to get Brad to actually choose Chantal over her.

Which of course she almost did.

Wait, wait. I should take that back. Because since when does saying “It’s not always going to be a bed of roses” count as sabotage? Like who in the world would get up, start pacing, sweating, panting … simply because one of the most basic of universal laws had just been repeated?

Brad, that’s who. Brad Womack, the self-involved tool who breaks into tearful sobs at the very sight of his family—a family that was shipped to Cape Town South Africa at ABC’s expense (well of course the brother’s wives came!)—in order to judge which young filly they thought might suit Bradley best. Dude bawled like he hasn’t seen them in years. Years!

No offense to my family, but I probably see them less often than Womack sees his, and I certainly don’t feel like crying at every reunion. (Well, not until my dad wears his short-shorts and knee socks to the local Red Lobster.) Do reality TV shows just hire the most sensitive people in the freaking world or what? Come on, man. Get a grip. Buck up, li’l Texan! It’s gonna be okay! It’s not like your family is going to pressure you to—

Why yes they did! Brad got his wish (“Ah’m prayin’ that mah family can just give me advice”) and they chose for him. Which I guess makes him a proper young southern gentleman, doing what would make his mama happiest. But in reality, his family’s approval of Emily was the last green light Brad needed, and so he told a visibly stunned Chantal hasta pasta. Somewhere (possibly in the third pit of Hell) Michelle Money is cackling with glee. Brad got what he wanted from Chantal (sex in the fantasy jungle suite) so it was on to conquer that mountain he could not seem to be able to climb, which was Emily’s close-to-the-vest emotional attentions.

And from the looks of the The Bachelor: After The Final Rose special that aired immediately after the show, it looks like Emily is still making the Bradster climb that mountain.

I think I have him figured out. He likes pain, our Brad does. A part of him must, seeing how he suffered so much public hate after his first go ’round with the show and then coming back for more. Some people call him “complicated,” but he’s really not; he’s a dude with father issues and low self esteem that needs constant reassurance, a guy who gets itchy whenever the most vague doubts arise in the eyes of any women he wants adoration from. The ones who fall for him the quickest are tucked into his back pocket or discarded, because deep down any women who would love him that quickly is lessened in his eyes. It’s the ones he can’t quite get commitments from—yet don’t disregard him completely—that he chases. Like a dog.

I’m going to earmark Brad-n-Emily (Bramily) for early implosion. Or I would have if they hadn’t already done so, multiple times, as the after-show told us. That or Emily is still playing her masterful game of luring him in / pushing him away. She looks guileless, but she may be smarter than I thought.

Speaking of the after-show, I noticed ABC removed the big honking Neil Lane Bridal letters from the inside of the big honking ring box when Chris Harrison forced us to join Bramily in a re-watch of his nervous proposal. Maybe Neil could only afford ABC’s product placement fee once? That does not bode well for the purported “Biggest and Best” diamond seller in Hollywood.

And what’s up with the Ghosts of Bachelors Past coming to offer their Up With People assurances for Bramily? Sounded heartfelt enough (and it’s a small enough club that I could see the ones with successful relationships wanting more in the boat), but I’m of course always suspicious of the need for media attention these sorts of reality “stars” have.

All I know is Chris Harrison was looking nigh desperate for Bramily to work out. Dude looked gaunt, worn, beat down … probably from all the ABC bigwigs and producers screaming at him about the Wedding That Was Not. Seriously, how many times did Harrison insert yet another grumble or gripe about how the after-show was actually supposed to be a wedding? He looked so butthurt, you’d think it was his own wife that put off the wedding.

Anyway, so ends another successful season of The Bachelor. Later in the night, Jimmy Kimmel was forced at gunpoin—errrrr, I mean, gently prodded and out of the kindness of his own heart—to introduce the next Bachelorette: And it’s crazy Ashley! (News I actually broke a few weeks ago.) Can’t wait to see where that goes.

(Hopefully none of Ashley’s “lucky” male contestants consider a lack of cleavage a deal-breaker.)

So why, you must be asking, did ABC choose the third-place finisher over second-place Chantal? Looks like Chantal is now in a “happy relationship,” and off the market. Which is fine. I don’t really want to see her sobby face again. Because in the end, Chantal let me down by not ending this season of The Bachelor the way she began it: with a slap across Brad Womack’s face.

Oh well.

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