THE BACHELOR (2011) “The Women Tell All” Review

THE BACHELOR (2011) "The Women Tell All"

THE BACHELOR (2011) “The Women Tell All” Season 15 Episode 10 – It seems a little odd to me, to have a reunion episode even before the finale. But what the hell do I know? I’m not an ABC executive. They probably know a lot more than I do. Then again, if I believed everything they told me, I’d have bought it when Chris Harrison announced that this was going to be “the reunion show you won’t want to miss!”

Because I sort of wished I’d missed it.

Was there any really entertaining television happening during this two-hour yawner? It seemed like every time one of the skank–errr, contestants–broke into tears because of the “vicious” verbal attacks they were receiving from the other “ladies,” Harrison would try to quell the disturbance. Friggin’ … WHY, dude? Catfights and dirty laundry are the only reason most people even tune in to these wasteland episodes. Let the piranhas attack, man! Come on!

We had the Melissa (a poor woman’s Gwyneth Paltrow) versus Raichel (a poor woman’s beeyatch), primed and ready to fight, and Harrison wouldn’t even let it get to its probable volatile conclusion. “Please, have some respect,” he entreated. He wanted them to make up!

Why? Man, people are here to be entertained, dude!

The worst part (other than the insanely dull Brad Womack appearance) was the fact that the designated “spider” Michelle did most of the sobbing. Seriously, how many times did she dissolve into a useless mess of tears? This is the same woman who used her wiles and guile to try and win herself a spin-off show–errrrr, I mean Brad’s fickle heart–and now we see her this way? It was almost akin to seeing Dick Clark, post-stroke, stumbling and slurring through yet another New Year’s Eve broadcast, or Roger Ebert critiquing Avatar without his lower jaw. Come on, woman. No one wants to see you this way! You were the coolest semi-villain back in the day! Toughen up!

“They implied I might not be a good mother! Baawww!”

For like 20 minutes of the show. Bawling. Echh.

How is it that I didn’t remember Madison “The vampire” bailing on Brad? I seriously don’t remember that moment in the season. In my mind, one moment she was there and the next she was gone. Was this just something they reserved for this reunion show? Was I asleep? (It’s possible I was asleep.) Womack looked only slightly regretful. “She will make some vampire very happy some day.”

Best lost line from this season: “Jesus does love me, and that’s why I will stay and she will go.”

(I don’t have a direct line to our Lord and Savior, but I think if Jesus loves you he won’t let you marry Brad stinkin’ Womack.)

(So in retrospect, she could have been right even while being wrong.)

A large chunk of the show was also dedicated to a “Bachelor / Bachelorette” party–essentially a fifteen-minute commercial for Bachelor Pad II–in which men and women in the 30-40 age group behaved as though they were drunken teenagers on spring break. “Loose” doesn’t even begin to describe these inebriated adults. Worse than MTV’s The Real World, mostly because Real World partygoers are generally young enough to still be in college. It seriously looked as though everyone at this party felt the need to give one final, last ditch middle finger at mature behavior … one last defiant stand … one final pre-midlife crisis. I hope the party provided contraceptives. And penicillin.

The Bachelor Fraternity. It’s seriously the wrong sort of fraternity to belong to. I mean, compare it to, say, American Idol, where a contestant from season 3 might bump into and recognize a contestant from season 6. They’ll talk, maybe hang out a bit, maybe play some music together. Something possibly beneficial, something for the good of man. And now take skank number 11 from The Bachelor season 2 and manscaper number four from season 7, put them together in a room with the cameras rolling? All they really can do is flirt as best they can. Best case scenario is they just strip down and have at it, forcing a cut to commercial.

Michelle was probably crying because she wasn’t at the freaking party.

Or because she just found out her bid to be the next Bachelorette failed. Better luck next time, Money!

Next week: Brad decides! And one lucky women escapes, not with her dignity intact, but at least slightly wealthier for being on the show, and fortunate to be the women Brad did not choose. I suspect Emily will be that lucky woman. But we’ll see!

If you are smarter than Brad Womack, feel free to follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, people!