AMERICAN IDOL (2011) “Top 13 Revealed” Review

american idol (2011) top 13 contestants

AMERICAN IDOL (2011) “Top 13 Revealed” Season 10 Episode 15 – Who knew the number 13 was a lucky number? Naima Adedapo does now.

I’ll begin my review with a quote from a woman. A physically powerful, intimidating woman: “If I get cut, America, I know where you live … and I am going to cut you.” That was Lauren “The Next Bette” Turner. Lauren did get cut. I’m hoping Lauren begins her career as a mass-murderer on the east coast and not the west.

Hello, Idolaholics! Axe here, ready and willing to say “I was right” and “I told you so” even while eating a slice of humble pie. That takes talent, and I am nothing if not talented! (My teachers used to say, “He’s so talented,” quickly followed by, “He squanders it all on Dungeons & Dragons, watching Japanese Animation, and slamming quarts of Mountain Dew. What a stupid boy!”) The top thirteen were chosen tonight, which makes me wonder whether or not we’ll see a double-elimination night or perhaps FOX Television, sensing the possibility of a cash grab, has decided to extend the show an extra week. If I were a betting man (and I am—Duke repeats), I’d go with the latter.

But enough about me and my mortgage. This is all about the contestants. Let’s do a rundown, shall we?

Everyone at the bottom of my power rankings is gone. The bottom 5 of my men are finished; Jovani Barreto, Jordan Dorsey, Robbie Rosen, Tim Halperin, and yes, even Clint Jun Gamboa … they were all squashed flatter than Junbugs beneath America’s collective heel. Splat! My two most glaring errors, as far as the men were concerned, was picking Brett “I Like Cookies” Lowenstern to advance … and ranking Stefano Langone too high.

Not too high talent-wise, mind you … but too high in how I thought everyone else could recognize his talent. Because come on, if you weren’t pulled in by Stefano’s rendition of “I Need You Now,” well then, you … have no soul.

You. Have. No. Soul.

@ <---teardrop stain I was sweating this one. I mean, I was worried Stefano might come across as too ethnic. Seriously, America, look at the people you chose. Just a bit pale. Sure, there's Thia Megia, but she’s more Californian Mall Girl than straight-up Filipina; and it’s not like she sings half her songs in Tagolog. I give props for getting Jacob Lusk right, and even the blatantly-ethnic Karen Rodriguez

… but you voted none of the sistas through? Really? It took the judges imposing their will to get two of ’em … though in retrospect it was a reach with Ashthon Jones—her last gasp rendition of “And I Am Telling You I’M Not Going” was shouty. It was beyond shouty. If I had the ability to just keep Ashthon’s head in a sane place I’d do it, because she does best when she’s in a tranquil state of mind. When Ashthon gets pissed she barks out her songs like an Irish Wolfhound.

In fact, if I have to say it, none of the 3 women measured up to the 3 men who sang for their lives. The women sounded panicked, even sultry Naima. Jovany was excellent with “Angel,” and even Robbie was … even he was …

Okay, part of the reason I was sweating over Beloved Stefano was not just because he was at-risk … but because there was the slimmest chance he could actually be jettisoned in favor of The Smirker. Yes, Robbie performed “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word” admirably. Much, much better than last night’s abysmal Sarah McLachlan butchery. And yet still he smirked. And smirked. And smirked. And it’s … it’s grating.

But he is gone. I can now take smirking seriously again.

Back to self-congratulating myself, mm?

My lowest-ranked girls—the bottom 4—are also gone. The Double Z’s, Zevita and Zorilla, are gonzo, as is Ta-Tynisa “Ta-Ta Means Goodbye!” Wilson and Kendra Chantelle, the least interesting of my 19’s. It’s possible America was put off by that bizarre little curtsey Kendra kept doing. She would literally keep dipping off-camera every few moments. I thought James was the one with Tourettes.

And yet again I was also wrong. Naima needed saving? What? People.

Guess I should have voted for her. This happened with Chris Daughtry too.

I was really pulling for Lauren Turner, but … well. No one has crushes on Bette Midler. Respect her, yes, but respect does not get the votes passion gets. So I say goodbye to the woman who threatened all of our lives. But she does have my respect!

I like a strong women. Rar.

I am forced to give props to Daemon’s TV‘s Angel of Death, Sandie, who warned me way ahead of time that Casey “Randy And I Should Have A Bass Off” Abrams and Paul McDonald (and Paul McDonald’s very white teeth) were unstoppable forces of nature. I should have listened rather than taunting her. (I can’t help myself!)

As punishment for defying Sandie’s cybernetically-enhanced brain, she will probably go make me review the Bill O’Reilly show.

(I could only really appeal to The Father Daemon, Eric, for mercy … but I have a feeling he thinks I’m insane.)

No other surprises. Pia Toscano owned, like I said she would, just on raw talent, and Thia Megia swung every 15-year old / Asian vote. The Country votes went to Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina, who seems to be just a little uncomfortable in the “Chosen One” role. I won’t hold it against her that the American Idol producers love her. It’s not her fault. I will, however, continue to judge her singing. James Durban has secured the Rocker vote, and should survive for a while.

Lastly, it’s good to see I was vindicated in ranking Haley Reinhart so high. Good on you, quirky girl! Here’s to hoping you don’t become annoying.

And LASTLY-lastly …

American Idol, for the love of Pete, if you ever so blatantly pull that “We’re not ready to choose yet—so let’s play Jennifer Lopez’s new music video” fake-ass travesty ever again … if you try to lie to me like that one more time … I will never, ever believe another single word that comes out of FOX Television.

LOL

Next week: 13 singers! Yay.

Follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, Because Bill O’Reilly wants you to!