DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES “Farewell Letter” Review

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES Farewell Letter Season 7 Episode 15

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES “Farewell Letter” Season 7 Episode 15 – The more things change, the more they stay the same on Wisteria Lane.

Would that Desperate Housewives changed much at all. The sleepy narration given by the ghost of Mary Alice Young (Brenda Strong) waves in at the beginning of the story and wraps everything up at the end. I know it’s sort of rote, but I sometimes wish they’d throw us a curveball with that.

Anyway. Let’s go down our list of Desperate storylines, eh?

Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman) and her still-a-weenie husband Tom (Doug Savant) finally get the hint that their two eldest sons, the college-aged twins Preston and Porter (Brent and Shane Kinsman respectively) need to finally move the bleep out of the house. This is brought on when the Wonder Twins bring home two young skank—I mean, young college ladies— in the middle of the night so their mother can make them omelettes. (That line never used to work for ME! “Come home with me, my mom will cook you breakfast.”) The boys don’t even know where the eggs are, and we get our requisite Lynette facepalm. So Lynette and Tom (surprisingly non-weenie for a day) kick the boys out. “You’re acting like we stabbed you in the back,” one of the boys whines, to which Lynette quips, “Obviously you didn’t do that, you don’t know where the knives are.”

The boys move out … and right across the street, finding shelter with a willing Mrs. McCluskey (Kathryn Joosten, somehow looking younger as each season passes). The fact that she’s so willing only because her husband gets horny when there are young college girls around is only mentioned in passing. A quality marriage there! It’s no surprise that McClusky kicks the twins to the curb after a frat party trashes her house. The only real surprise is that Lynette and Tom stick to their guns and force the twins to retain their “booted” status.

Susan Delfino (Teri Hatcher) is learning how to take advantage of the fact that she has kidney failure. I would wonder why she didn’t think of it sooner, but this is Susan we’re talking about; not exactly a candidate for Mensa. They made her dull storyline even duller by bringing Vanessa Williams’s character, Renee Perry to act as a sort-of Satan Sidekick. My guess is they still don’t really know what to do with Williams, but are still so surprised to have gotten her for the show they just stick her in whatever storyline is in the most need of bad advice. Susan’s freebee fun ended with her collapsing. I hope (in vain, I know) that this character is dead.

Bree Van de Kamp (Marcia Cross) and her “boyfriend” (emphasis on “boy”) Keith (Brian Austin Green) have finally hit the predicable snag I was hoping for, with Keith pining for the son he’s only known for a week, and Bree doing the kindness of insisting he move to Florida to be with the little tyke — without her. I can only hope this is good riddance, for this 90210hMyGod hookup brings shame to her good last name. Marcia’s, not Bree’s. Van de Kamp is a vegetable, isn’t it? Anyway, for the love of Pete, find Bree an age-appropriate man. Or at least a someone with brains.

Gabrielle Solis (Eva Longoria) has been somehow convinced by her therapist that she needs to return to the town she grew up in, taking with her an accusatory letter she wrote to her dead stepfather. She is then to read it to his gravestone in order to provide “closure” for the fact that he molested her when she was a child. Her husband Carlos (a hangdog Ricardo Antonio Chavira) agrees that this is indeed the correct course of action … until Gaby realizes she’s a celebrity in the middle-of-nowhere town. This of course changes both tunes immediately, as Gabrielle loves any sort of attention, and Carlos is … I guess he’s just a jealous chunk of emo, clearly unamused. (“I think I just saw two cockroaches throw up.”) The confrontation at the stepfather’s grave is waylaid by a confrontation with the nun (a very bitter-looking Jill Larson) Gaby confided her molestation to twenty years ago.

At least she gets closure the correct way: with the closest living person she can blame. The end moral to this tale is, I suppose, that psychiatrists are often completely wrong.

Oh, there was also a side story about Mike (James Denton) and Paul (Mark Moses) and their shared son Zach (Cody Kasch) and his addiction and—ahh, who cares? Paul sent his wife Beth (Emily Bergl) packing finally, which can’t be a shock, since she wouldn’t even sleep with him at first. The fact that she was secretly planning revenge on him for the killing of Martha Huber–and packing a gun–is moot. She wouldn’t sleep with him! For weeks! I’d be pissed too.

Next episode (in two weeks): one of the Housewives shoots herself!