AMERICAN IDOL (2011) “Hollywood Week Round Three” Review

AMERICAN IDOL Hollywood Week Round 1

AMERICAN IDOL “Hollywood Week Round Three” Season 10 Episode 10 – So I’m over the flash of peevishness I initially had when Rob Bolin flamed out yesterday. I wanted to see more from this guy, and like other followers of the show wanted to hear more songs in his trademark whiskey growl. And that got taken away from me, so I was pissed. I am Jack’s seven-year old id.

But you know what? Rob is gonna be okay. He’s on MySpace and getting hits. He’s got a manager. He’s on Twitter. My man Rob is Tweeting.

If he sells, I’m buying. It’s all good.

Now then, onto the other contestants—

Okay, I’m not ready yet. Can’t concentrate. I’m trying to focus on the contestants when in reality I’m irked at the show itself. Ticked at Nigel Lythgoe, and all the other producers who have decided that stringing us along is the best way to go. Like others, I thought this week was the last of it, that by next week we’d be able to voice our opinions via telephone and start pecking through the top 24. Or 25. Or whatever other wacky crap they’ve decided to do.

Newp.

American Idol has blunted their katanas this year by extending Hollywood Week yet another week. Instead of dialing 1-866-casey-abrams-plays-a-mean-ass-bass, we have the honor of sitting through Idol renditions of staged Beatles tunes to see which of the remaining fiddy get chopped in half.

Axey not happy.

Instead of streamlining, Idol is bloating, stuffing in yet another week where the judges make all the decisions and running the risk of losing our attention. I get that they “want to get it right,” but listen up, Idol: Simon Cowell has his X-Factor breathing hard down your collective necks, and after this fall’s inaugural season, wherein hopefuls of all ages and full-on amped-to-the-nines bands get to try and grab five million freaking dollars, you could end up being only a fond memory, something akin to American Bandstand, or Star Search. Or the Gong Show.

So America is looking for you to impress, Idol. And right now you’ve hit a lull. Don’t make me break out the “We Want Dunkelman Back” article I have waiting in the wings. (It’s only in case of emergency.)

Alright, back to the American Idol contestants. For no other reason than to amuse myself, I’m going to call my shot and tell you the top 12 ahead of time. That’s right, I can see into the future. And if I can’t, well, that’s on you for believing I could. (I suppose you get your palms read too, huh. Do you blame the crazy-eyed gypsy lady when you don’t end up marrying up to your exceptionally deluded standards? Don’t blame anyone but yourself. You could have used that twenty bucks to go see a movie.)

In no particular order I give you Axeymoron’s Twelve:

Thia Megia – she may have the voice of a 50-year old woman, but it’s a skilled 50-year old woman.

Ashthon Jones – Powerful voice but questionable range. I want to see more.

Sophia Shorai – Never seen her before but she goes right to to the top on vocals alone. “Georgia On My Mind” never sounded so good.

Lauren Alaina – Lythgoe’s anointed one will make the top 12, but that was never a stretch to say.

Haley Reinhart – This girl has some soul! She’s my dark horse.

Naima Adedapo – Her quirkiness and hipster cred should earn her more then enough votes.

John Wayne Schultz – Country boy will be a shoo-in, especially since 16-year old Scotty McCreery seems to only know one song.

Casey Abrams – Please. He’s probably the most versatile performer of the entire group.

Stefano Langone – I’m more tentative about him than I was before, but the female vote should see him through.

Brett Loewenstern – Simply Red? Simply Good!

Robbie Rosen – Loads of talent, delivered with just a little bit of a smirk. Confidence wins many battles.

Chris Medina – You can’t stop Chris Medina. You can only hope to contain him.

So who does that leave out? Lots. Kendra Chantelle is decent but not great, Molly DeWolf Swensen is close but no cigar, Jacob Lusk is ascending to greatness but won’t get the vote because he’s a black woman trapped in a black man’s body, Jovanny Barreto is too Marc Anthony, Jacee Badeaux is getting weaker and weaker under pressure, and Carson Higgins is crazy.

Oh, and Ashley Sullivan is also crazy. That’s it for this week.

Next week: … I may just skip next week. Cripes…

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