AMERICAN IDOL (2011) “Group Week” Review

AMERICAN IDOL 2011 Group Week

AMERICAN IDOL “Group Week” Season 10 Episode 9 – Well since I stuck my neck out, I should expect to get it chopped.

Message to Rob Bolin – Part 2: You really blew it. Like monumentally blew it. You could tell the judges so very BADLY wanted to vote you through, but because you completely gave up even before you hit the stage (and weren’t a cute, roly-poly 16-year old that had been rudely kicked out of his group), we had to say good-bye. And I support that. Your constant moping, self-defeating habits and negativity almost made me throw my bowl of Cheetos at the television set. You had it, man – THE WHOLE PACKAGE – the sad story, the “I just got kicked” puppydog eyes, the brilliant once-in-a-decade tortured voice. And you just melted down inside your head. You couldn’t go one freaking night without your allotted sleep? If you were so put off by the two girls dancing around you, and you didn’t know the song, you should have grabbed the bull by the horns and said “I’m not comfortable with this song. We need to do something else.” Because this was your one BIG BREAK, and you blew it. I can see why Chelsee dumped you for the himbo, man. He may not be all that in the brains department, but hey, some guys are so dumb they’re confident. And I think that’s what she lacked: a confident man. Who would want the responsibility of lugging around your fragile psyche their entire life? Grow a pair, brah.

So I was wrong. Dead wrong. Chelsee, sail on, sweet sister. I will not doubt you again.

(On the plus side, Chelsee and Jacqueline are now free to turn lesbian and / or join forces in a Voltron-esque sort of way for the good of mankind. PWRCPL2 FTW!)

So 39 groups performed, and American Idol callously told a whole lot of ’em to hit the road. It was pretty brutal, but then so were some of the performances. Group Week always baffles me a little, because I know there are other things that go on behind the scenes with regard to choosing who stays and who goes. It sounds like I was joking about Rob, but I really believe the judges were just dying for some excuse to keep him. One of those rare talents. He just showed nothing at all that warranted fighting for.

Angela “Noodle Nose” Cheslock probably deserved to continue, but for whatever reason the judges saw Angela’s group and their “Singing to Steven Tyler” act as lacking, and only producer-anointed Lauren Alaina was voted through. (Please, not even a Rob Bolinesque meltdown could keep Lauren from the top 24. You know the scenario where A.I. segregates the performers into different rooms, and then the judges walk in and give the entire room the good/bad news? You want to be in Lauren Alaina’s room. Trust the ol’ Axe on this one, kids. She’s a lock, like Gokey was a lock two years ago.) Anyway, I certainly thought their quartet was more entertaining than some of the others that made it through unscathed.

My hope is, always, that the judges know more behind the scenes and aren’t stoned.

And here’s my Seinfeld moment, but what’s the deal with the stage moms? I mean, James “Cry By Night” Durban may be an emo stage-hog, but he was right: “The Minors” (Keonna Evans, Jalen Harris, Sarina-Joy Crowe, Felix Ramsey, and Deandre Brackensick) ended up with a huge advantage because their moms basically choreographing their entire act. Which isn’t to say their act was bad, because it was actually pretty damned good. But half the credit should go to the moms. (They’re also pretty lucky the moms all got along with one another. Momsplosion would have made for some classically fun TV, but I don’t think those kids could have handled that.)

Goodbye to Emma Henry. I predicted she’d be gone, but I didn’t think she would last this long, or handle everything with as much maturity as she did. Keep pluggin’, kid!

Goodbye to Tiffany “Snookie’s Sister” Rios, whose mouth did her no favors, and whose leopard-pattern miniskirt was almost as criminal as her singing. One has to assume she knew she wasn’t Idol material by this stage, and was just trying to look stupid to get a spin-off reality show.

No idea why A.I. kept Carson “That Guy” Higgins. He reminds me of “The Norman,” so maybe it’s a comedy relief thing. Same with Ashley Sullivan, though with her it might just be the drama quota. Because that chick has some psychological issues, and she looks as though she’s going to fall down every few seconds. Like with every wobbly step she takes. Not a dancer! Do not wear heels!

To the diva pile I’ll add Jordan Dorsey, who doesn’t have the talent his ego projects. Same with way-too-cocky Clint Jun Gamboa, who has a great voice, but will get torn apart by the fans (and their lack of votes for him) if he makes it to the top 24, because no one likes a bully, and everyone likes cute, pudgy li’l Jacee Badeaux.

Even though, really … that kid should not dance. So you may have been right, “Junebug,” but that doesn’t make you any more sympathetic to the voting audience.

More tomorrow as we whittle ’em down!