THE BACHELOR (2011) Season 15 Episode 7 Review

THE BACHELOR (2011) Season 15 Episode 7

THE BACHELOR (2011) Season 15 Episode 7 – First, a moment of silence for Michelle, my beloved Black Widow, the only woman I could have seen asserting any sort of control over Brad. Perhaps he finally caught on to the stink of your madness, Michelle, or perhaps Mister Fix-It saw what a karmic downer you were to the other (and I use this term extremely loosely) ladies.

So … boot! I cry real tears, for we’ve lost the only real bitch we had. Worse, we don’t get to see Michelle’s family, which, as anyone could imagine, would have been a hoot. I was literally burning with curiosity; what sort of enabling parents could let this self-involved nutcase grow and thrive? And what sort of little Joffrey* might her kid turn out to be?

Now we’ll never know.

Farewell to Britt as well. The skinny blonde with the blank, composed features never had a chance. Here’s the thing: if you’re not on your knees and groveling, or sobbing brokenheartedly, or at the very least aggressively pursuing a secret (but on-camera) make-out session, Bradley’s kicking you to the curb faster than you can say “But can’t I at least stay in that fancy hotel for one more night?”

(No. When Brad says go, you go now.)

On the topic of Britt, since no one ever talks about her, how is it that a professional “Food Writer” is that skinny? Does she only write about food? I’m saying this out of complete ignorance, because I have no clue what a Food Writer might be. I assume it’s like a food critic, yeah? A taster, like those crazy-eyed goblins on Iron Chef. Britt certainly didn’t look as though she liked food. And that’s a little like the old adage, “Never trust a skinny cook.”

Or maybe she’s just really critical of food and hates 95% of what’s put in front of her. A real pro. Who knows?

Anyway. My early congratulations / condolences have to go to Emily, who is playing the perfectly balanced game of lure him in / stave him off. If this bleach-blonde coal miner’s daughter doesn’t at least make it to the final two, she only has her daughter to blame. That’s right, I’m putting next week squarely on L’il Rikki. Because if that tyke doesn’t take to Brad like a duck to water, he’s going to go all skittish, yet again, and we’ll have to hear him voicing his doubts and confusion. Yet again.

I think the best date for all involved would be Brad, Emily, Emily’s kid, and Brad’s shrink. Like all at one picnic. We’d see some real progress, I think.

My prediction is Shawntel and Ashley are gone next. Brad being brought to Shawntel’s morgue (or crematorium, or whatever-the-hell that is) can’t go well, can it? And wacky Ashley, I fear, called her own shot when she summed herself up in the “little sister” role. I have a sneaking suspicion that dumping Alli last week was only a fake-out, and that the Bradster really does dig the boobage. And sadly, Ash comes up a wee bit short in that department.

Seriously, this “competition” is Emily’s to lose. All the other girls are quickly falling apart at the seams. And I think standing across from Emily will be sob-faced Chantel, because A. with Michelle also gone we need to keep up our drama quota, and B. Brad is clearly enjoying the suffering he’s putting her through. The best scenario for all involved (since he’s already pretty much given his big plastic heart to Emily) is to string Chantel along until the bitter end so we can have that extended, slow Bacheloresque closeup of her weeping those gigantic tears of hers, as the wind softly wafts through her chocolaty hair whilst a festive-yet-fashionable dress ripples across her impressive bosom.

My dream scenario would be for Emily to then tell Brad, “Ah lahk yew too, lay-et’s just … wait a little bee-ut, mm?” giving him a big fat MAYBE to suck on.

What? This is The Bachelor. The tardry is here to bleed for our amusement. Why the hell else would they sign up for such a misogynistic show? They’re either looking for punishment or looking to deal it out.

The best ones are looking for a spinoff, and I now fear sweet Michelle will not be getting hers. Alas. She was so nice too.

Next week: blah blah blah The Bachelor blah blah blah. Oh, and Shawntel and Ashley will leave.

* you’ll get that reference once you see Game of Thrones. Or better, go read the book. You all watch too much TV as it is.

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