THE BACHELOR (2011) Season 15 Episode 6 Review

The bachelor

THE BACHELOR (2011) Season 15 Episode 6 – This is me breathing a sigh of relief that Michelle is still on the show, because next to Brad … that narcissistic headcase is the most quotable person they’ve had in a long time. I love that we get to see little miniature television screen-time power-grab dynamics play out too; It’s sort of like the old fortune cookie game.

You know the one, right? Add “in bed” at the end of any Chinese fortune cookie blurb at it gets a lot more interesting.

“You are about to go many different places and meet many new people … in bed.” Or .

“Love is for the lucky and the brave … in bed.” Or .

“You are always the center of attention and have the skill to make people laugh … in bed.”

Etc. You can play the same game with The Bachelor, except substitute the words “on television.”

Brad: “I am so fortunate to be given a second chance to fall in love … on television.”

And .

Michelle: “All I can do is be myself, be patient, and hope Chantel gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes. On television.”

Okay, that one doesn’t even need anything added to make it hilarious. Because really, isn’t she just reflecting the hopes and dreams of We The Viewers? A monkey attack? Why not? They’ve already gone with giant beetle attack, a bat attack, and what looks to be a giant praying mantis attack. Frightened-of-everything Alli is lucky she was booted to the curb before When Mantises Attack occurred. And how close did she come to braining Chantel with her wine glass, hurled haphazardly whilst shrieking like she’d just been stabbed? That would have been awesome.

Michelle is wonderfully cruel, like when afraid-of-heights Jackie was trying to rappel down the waterfall.

Jackie: “Eeeek!”

Brad: “Don’t look down!”

Michelle: “Look down!”

Of course Jackie looks down. More screaming commences. I wasn’t surprised to see her go at the end either, though I’m not quite certain it was because she displayed cowardice in the face of Brad “They Must Conquer Their Fears In Order To Prove Their Love To Me” Womack. I think there’s also the chance Brad looked at her nose, then looked in the mirror and saw his own nose, and realized + and + equals ++ in the nose department and didn’t want his future children mercilessly teased.

What. I’m just trying to consider every angle this dude may consider. He’s a slippery devil.

Anyway, a need for chaos is exactly why Michelle needs to stay until the very end. Hell, she needs to win. Because you know that black widow isn’t even looking at Brad so much as she is the ultimate prize, which is a spin-off show. Usually The Bachelor will take the heartbroken second-place loser and parlay it into The Bachelorette, because America is in love with the broken-hearted.

Not me, man. I want bang for my buck. I want the spin-off show where we get to see Michelle and Brad in the process of their engagement (you know they would never even make it anywhere close to the altar) (unless there was a television deal involved with that too), each one trying to assert his / her Alpha dominance in the realm of reality TV. Because if it’s not Michelle coming to Brad’s room and marking her territory (like a female cat spraying her scent about), then it’s Brad making her sweat it out at the rose ceremony. You know he was sending her a message with that one! We’ll see how long she keeps her tail tucked and stays willingly under his me-first dominance. (My bet is not long. Fifteen minutes into the next episode, tops.)

I would also like to see Michelle (or any one of these attention-starved yentas) actually exist with Brad in his natural habitat. Because they oohh and they ahh and they coo dreamily whenever he takes them on any one of his clever dates … utterly failing to give the producers any credit whatsoever, even though they’re the ones who set up these dates and locations in the first place! Do you really think Womack went scouting old volcanic sites and choose the menus and lit the freaking tiki torches?

Come on, ladies!

Sure, he’s got money. And he’s a looker. But people … aside from his uncanny ability to find his way onto reality TV, this guy’s as dumb as a pile of potatoes. (“This cave is over 40 million years old.” Do tell, Bradley.) Once Brad’s back at home down on the farm, they may realize he’s not exactly the catch they were hoping for.

Which is why I’m rooting for Michelle, because, like that praying mantis, she will then devour his head. And we deserve to see that.

Next week: Anguilla! (Wherever that is. Hey, they seemed thrilled. I’ll roll with it.)

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