BLEEP MY DAD SAYS “Well Suitored” Review

MY DAD SAYS

$#*! MY DAD SAYS “Well Suitored” Episode 16 – Axe here, your on-the-spot substitute reviewer. Please keep the gum-throwing to a minimum, or at least do it while I’m busy scrawling on the blackboard. You’re all going to detention anyway, best not make a stink about it.

Ahem. If someone had told a 9-year old me back in 1977 that I would one day get to see Captain Kirk and the Six Million Dollar Man on the same television show and (oh, sweet lord have mercy, even better) that they would duke it out – come to actual combative blows – over a woman …

Well, alright, the “woman” part wouldn’t have thrilled me that much (too busy with my G.I. Joe collection to develop any crushes that early in life), but holy mother of giddy goodness! I would have parked my little fanny in front of the television hours in advance, just on the off chance that Joey (my brat-faced little brother) might try to call dibs on some other girly show, like Laverne & Shirley, or Wonder Woman, or any of the other sissy stuff he used to watch.

(Come to think of it, it was always my dad who tuned into Wonder Woman. Hmmm.)

William Shatner, the Captain Kirk, versus Lee Majors, the Six Million Dollar Man. Back in the day the argument would have started with, “Does Kirk have his phaser?” Because if Kirk has his phaser, the so-called “Bionic” man isn’t even going to get one slow-motion (jngjngjngjngggg) kick in. One FWEEEP! and that fight’s over. (A good thing for him it’s probably set for stun.) Only if Kirk is unarmed does the outcome come into question, and even then … hey, it’s Kirk. He’s probably gonna win.

Well.

We got the answer tonight. Sort of. On $#*! My Dad Says, Shatner went toe-to-toe with Majors. They fought a ruthless, gut-churning, roll-in-the-dirt battle over a woman.

Unfortunately for all involved, it was 34 years too late, they were both wearing big, goofy, mascot-sized panda and eagle costumes, and it was on an epically bad television show.

Children stood dumbfounded at the spectacle, two octogenarian gentlemen beating on one another in the middle of a panda preserve, or … zoo, or … I don’t even care to recall. A little part of me was right there with those poor kids, just as dumbfounded. The stunned looks on their dirty little faces. Poor kids. And poor me.

I cannot count the ways this laugh-track laden mess disappoints. Sure, not everything can be Modern Family, or The Big Bang Theory, or hell, even … Cavemen. I mean, the original premise of $#*! My Dad Says was born in Twitterverse, so I didn’t exactly have high hopes. And aside from the pilot (hey, I’ll give anything a chance) I’ve been avoiding this cliché-riddled farce like the plague.

But Shatner vs. Majors? What self-respecting child of the `70’s could miss that?

Shatner won. `Course, man. The end. (End of an era, and of my childhood, gone, baby, gone.)

Oh, the show itself? Well, it was all about the rivalry and the fight. Duh. Majors dropped the word “millionaire” about twelve times. There was also a vague subplot involving a bunch of Mad-TV alum (I guess FOX bussed `em over?) and a picnic ice-box filled with woman-eggs which the dog promptly ate (LOL). Sprinkle in a running gag about the idiotic Goodson brothers’ inability to manage a garbage disposal (LOLx2) and there you go: our show.

Now that the Shatner v. Majors mystery is finally solved, the only real mystery left in this universe is how Stephnie Weir gets hotter with age. I can’t say that I know, nor am I really interested enough to pursue the question. Especially if they’re going to try and solve it on this show.

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