AMERICAN IDOL “Los Angeles Auditions” Review

AMERICAN IDOL Los Angeles Auditions

AMERICAN IDOL “Los Angeles Auditions” Season 10 Episode 5 – This episode kicked off with a game Ryan Seacrest announcing, “Some of the best talent we’ve seen in our ten seasons.”

The irony was not lost that he chose today to blurt out that little bit of blind hyperbole. Ah, my adopted hometown, Los Angeles, California. The City of Angels, the entertainment capital of the world, its glittering cubit zirconium-and-pyrite gilded façade standing bold and beautiful as the symbol of excess and befouled fortune here in this beloved land of fruits and nuts …

Oh, this land of mine. Does it really have so little actual talent amidst the teeming madness? If one is to believe what we saw on American Idol, one would be forced to come to that very conclusion.

I’ve been watching this show for years, people. Years! And never have I seen such a massive pile of dreck jumbled into one single episode, short of, perhaps, the pilot episode of Cop Rock. We remain fortunate that this was not a two-hour show.

The tardry wasn’t merely present, it ran the freaking asylum. And it wasn’t just the ludicrous Matt “Big Stats” Frankel (though I was impressed he almost managed to fit into David Byrne’s oversized suit), or the lamb-singing, lamb-sounding (“Not ba-a-a-ad,” quipped Steven Tyler) Victoria Garrett, nor was it even 59-year old Cooper “I come to take yo city from you” Robinson, who clearly took some lessons from last year’s Pants-On-The-Floor guy.

(What are the odds we see Robinson and his fabbo jacket guest-mugging at the finale? 60/40? Even the recycled humor is getting predictable.)

And it wasn’t even the fact that Isaac Rodriguez and Daniel Gomez, who at least looked the part (and are hereby bequeathed with the title of Most Compatible Gay Couple Ever), fooled even me by both being equally tone-deaf. And it wasn’t just Tynisha “O-ow!” Roche and her traveling microphone. No, sadly … we can’t pin the blame on any single entity.

I just have to blame Los Angeles. Pure and simple. And maybe the producers for not just dumping the whole show and moving on to San Francisco.

Worst display ever. Ever. I only have a top 5 because they only gave out 5 freaking tickets to Hollywood. And the top two aren’t even from SoCal. I’m not sure any of them have even a snowball’s chance of getting out of Hollywood. This makes all of us look like complete idiots. Anyway, here are the slim few who didn’t completely suck:

Tim Halperin, 23, an advertising salesman from Forth Worth, TX: 3.5 stars. His leprechaun beard was only slightly distracting, and how remarkable was it he made his childhood crush J-Lo feel so very old? Way to “give back,” big guy. But at least he could sing.

Karen Rodriguez, 21, a student from New York City: 3 stars. She has the pipes that just may be able to distract from that scrunched up little kewpie-doll face and the pair of Cocker Spaniel ears she wore on the side of her head. Oh, that was her hair?

Mark and Aaron Gutierrez, 28 and 27 respectively, the “singing brothers” from Redlands, CA: 2 stars apiece. They didn’t even bother singing solo, which will avail them not at all next week when the Hollywood rounds begin. I can’t wait to see them both break into tears when one is ousted, but I have the feeling neither is moving on. Well, maybe Mark. Just on looks.

This year’s Bikini Girl (No Chino Hills inna house this year whaaaaat) award will go to Heidi “The Belly Dancer” Khzam, 23, of Agoura Hills, CA: 1 star. And that’s right, it’s Khzam. Khzam! A bit of advice for the kiddies: I don’t care if you can carry a tune, if you dress like a skank, Middle America does not vote you in. Unless your name is Adam Lambert. If Khzam somehow miraculously makes it past Hollywood, that “star quality” booty is going to get telephoned right off the stage.

Next week: San Francisco and, thank god, the beginning of American Idol‘s Hollywood week!

Follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you freaks. Though don’t do it right now. My mood’s not right for it.

Also check out photos of this latest episode of American Idol below:

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