THE X FACTOR “2010 Finals, Part 1” review

X Factor "Finals, 2010"

THE X FACTOR 2010 Finals Live Show, Part 1 – Well, here we go: the finals of 2010 are upon us (part 1 at least), and that means four of the contestants will sing, and one will be going home tonight. My bet is on Cher, not because I want her to go (em…I want her to win, actually) but because the British public appear to dislike chavs. Really, they like cookie cutter painters who sing like a kicked puppies lathered in beige.

But let’s give the British public the benefit of the doubt.

The final 16 (let’s hope they bring it back to 12 next year because I swear I haven’t seen half of these people in my life) reappear. The viewers who died listening to these contestants are represented by corpses on stage, who are symbolically brought to life by the final four (well, they dance for Cher. They crouch and crawl and do jumping jacks for Rebecca, Matt and One Direction-symbolic? Let us hope so).

Matt sings Here With Me, with a guitar, to prove he is a ‘serious’ singer-song writer thing. By far and away the best part about his performance are the anonymous brides playing violin. Unfortunately they are surrouded by desert tributes to Roswell. I cannot believe Matt has been the favorite to win. He is the definition of bland.

Rebecca sings Just Like A Star. She sings it on a platform. Of course she sings it wonderfully. I think. I fell asleep halfway through. The way these songs are being sung, you’d think everyone’s hamster had just had their faces cut off.

One Direction sings Your Song. It’s very well staged, and they are a boyband (and probably the winners) who can actually sing and look pretty at the same time.

Cher sings The Clapping Song. With all of these drippy ballads, she’s standing on the judges table wearing fat trousers with big lips on them. You have to laugh. Well, you don’t have to, I suppose. I am.

Matt Cardle and Rihanna sing Unfaithful, and they try their darndest to initiate some chemistry between them, rubbing hips together and making eye contact (at least on Rihanna’s part. Matt’s eyes are straying to her…em…pelvic region). Subtle, dude. Subtle.

Rebecca Ferguson and “the musical” Christina Aguilera sing Beautiful. The guest stars sort of mirror the contestants: Aguilera is an awesome singer without being burdenede by a personality, the same of which could be said of Rebecca. Robbie Williams is quite good, cocky, and part of boyband/manband Take That, brings the cocky fun, as does Cher, Rihanna has great songs but you don’t want to see her perform on television. The latter is true of Matt. In the end, Aguilera gives a lovely fake hug to Rebecca, but at least it was a good vocal performance,

One Direction sing with Robbie Williams, who brings his usual blend of bizarre, undefinable, intoxicated charm to the performance.

Cher duets with She sings Where Is The Love and I Gotta Feeling. It’s quite good, until Will.i.Am shows up, then the singing goes out the window, though as is always the case with the Black Eyed Peas, it’s more about the fun than the singing, which this performance certainly is. Plus, he seems to quite like her.

Rihanna and Aguilera perform. Aguilera sings Express, from her new movie musical Burlesque. Well, it’s certainly revealing. Rihanna, who has an awesome body, always wears outfits that make her look atrociously fat.

Well, anyhoodles, after those eyesores, the results are in and Cher is sent packing. Tomorrow is going to be unbearably dull as everyone sings for the souls of their deceased kittens, probably giving us a story about how much their kittens have impacted their lives. Well, in less than a years time I can buy Cher’s album (well, if it’s any good. I’m never that loyal a fan. I’d buy Rebecca’s too, if she was given good songs to sing).

Join me tomorrow to rant and rave as The X Factor 2010 comes to a close.

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