THE X FACTOR UK “Live Show 6” Review

X Factor Live Show 6

THE X FACTOR UK “Live Show 6” – Tonight is the night that pesky ‘be more contemporary’ criticism will be put to rest. No more ballads from the 80s. No more anthems from the 70s. Tonight the theme is the songbook of the one, the only…Elton John. The hippest guy eva. Innit. Dog.

Remember last week when whatsherface was eliminated over Katie? No? Didn’t think so.

Paije: Paije went to the world premiere of Harry Potter. Douchebag. Whatever he sings I’ll hate out of pure spite. Actually, spite isn’t necessary. He’s singing Elton’s Crocodile Rock. I think I’ll save my spite for the next performer. Louis complains that Paije wasn’t even born when the song was made. With that logic only Mary and Wagner have a chance tonight.

Aiden: He’s singing Rocket Man. He’s so into it. Look at that jacket: he looks just like Elton John with his hair in a quiff. Danni’s gone crazy, which is never squirmy, especially when she’s making a duck shadow-puppet across Louis’ face. Quack.

Mary: She wasn’t at the Harry Potter premiere, which means I like her more than I ever have in my whole entire life. She sings/shouts Can You Feel The Love Tonight, which is not my favourite song, but it is from my favourite film OF ALL TIME. No, Mary, I cannot feel the love tonight.

Katie: Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting, which is so a Katie song. Remember all those times she danced through those eliminations? Remember? No? Shocked. But you know what? In all honesty, this isn’t…good. See what I did there? You thought I was going to say this isn’t bad.

Matt: He is singing Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. Bleh. Falsetto. Check. Whinnying. Check. Kiss on the cheek from Helena Bonham Carter. Grr. I suppose it’s not half bad, if you’re into the sort of dying wails of a torture victim. Simon says you could have listened to another 3 or 4 minutes of that. No, Simon. No.

Cher: She’s singing Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word along with a bit of Eminem’s Mockingbird. She seems to be wearing Cheryl’s hair. Let’s face it: we’re all happy she broke the rules and inserted some of Eminem into what is turning out to be one of the most desperate episodes of The X Factor ever.

Wagner: He sings something. Well, he mumbles something and there’s music. It’s an Elton John song, I’m sure, or at least it was once upon a time. Oh dear god. It’s turned into Circle of Life. No! Stop it!

One Direction: They sing Something About The Way You Look Tonight, to prove they’re singers. They do. They are going to win, aren’t they? Oh they so are. Look at that hair! Listen to the million texting preteens. Even Hermione called them gentlemen! And if Hermione is rooting for them, well, that’s it, isn’t it? Hope is gone for the rest.

Rebecca: She’s singing some obscure ballad about a candle. Yes she is-look at the screens behind her. I can imagine it now: Rebecca versus One Direction. Or perhaps Cher. If it’s Matt I’ll kick a puppy.

What did you think of the performances? Favorite? Least favourite? Or have you fallen into a coma? Let me know in the comments below!

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