THE X FACTOR UK “Live Show 5” Review

X Factor (itv) "Live Show 5"

THE X FACTOR UK “Live Show 5” – Ten remain to wage war with each other. Cheryl is the only one with all four acts remaining, so I suspect one of them may be in jeopardy-Katie or Treyc probably. Before the predictions are the performances so let’s see what they’ve concocted for us this week with their theme (ridiculously, thankfully broad theme) of American Anthems. That means cheerleaders and Springsteen, but alas no fireworks for star spangled banners.

Cher: She is singing the story of her life, apparently. The lyrics ‘a pocket full of dreams’ are tattooed on her arm. It’s Jay Z and Alicia Key’s Empire State of Mind. She is such a liar: she keeps insisting she’s from New York, but she totally is not. The judges go crazy for her, well, except Simon, who calls her a little copycat which gets boos from the crowd, especially when he attacks Cheryl. Questioned by Dermot, Cher takes the wise route and says she ‘appreciates’ his comment, instead of going the complainer’s road, which often finds the contender in the final two.

Mary Byrne: She sings a song that is just horrible. Not the song. I quite like Faith Hill’s There You’ll Be, in a guilty pleasure sort of way If-I-Tell-You-I’ll-Have-To-Kill-You. But Mary is literally shouting this. Horrendous. I think she was singing one song while the musicians were playing something completely different. Louis tells her to bring emotion, which is code for tears, since it worked so well for Cher last week. Also, if Cher blathered on about how low she felt, she’d be slated. Mary is cooed.

Katie: She knows she hasn’t a hope of winning, so she sings Don’t Speak, a really good song dressed like Marilyn Monroe in biker gear. Simon can smell the stench of it. She crouches bizarely on the edge of the stage, with a video of herself sobbing á la Duffy’s Warwick Avenue in the background. Hee. I’ve just had to explain to my mother that no, it’s not Bride of Frankenstein on the screen behind her. That’s her. She whinges at the judges’ comments. Simon compliments her for not being a whinger. Cheryl makes one of the best comments in The X Factor history complimenting her for being a drama queen.

Aiden: He sings Nothing Compares 2 U, which was memorably covered by Sinead O’Connor. Aiden actually beats Sinead O’Connor for intensity. Sinead O’Connor. Of course the judges love him. Danni has helpfully stapled the corners of his lips to his cheekbones.

Paije: The fact that he can admit that he watches East Enders means he is the bravest person in the world. He sings I’m A Believer, forgets the rest of the song but improvises with Outcast. He even sorts of dances. It turns out to be a bad move as he forgets to hold the microphone to his mouth which is kind of necessary for a singing competition.

Rebecca: I think I’d quite like to see her win the entire competition, especially after she sings Make You Feel My Love, which gets a standing O from Cheryl and Simon. She easily dwarfs the other contestants with her performance, though tonight’s selection of performances is so dire that it’s not actually a real achievement. Simon steals Cheryl’s ambassador comment from last week to compliment her. My nana feels it is important to note that Simon has the largest head of any human being she has ever seen in her life.

Wagner: His challenge tonight is to remember the words. He believes Elvis is back. The fifth live show is right where Jedward found themselves victim to weariness of the viewers, and here we are, fifth live show, and Wagner is seriously in need of some bottom-two-ness. The judges are divided. Wagner makes a few sleazy comments and Cheryl looks like she’s just been struck by a cartoon mallet.

Matt: He sings The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face in a way that has him singing one word per minute. You can imagine the little women in his throat wringing his vocal cords muttering ‘must prolong this note’. Hopefully he’ll take his dress off by the end of the performance. Nope, hope dies. He gets a complete standing O. And he follows Mary and sobs, because it is a personal song and we shall exploit family troubles for votes. Whatever works, I guess. And in fairness to him, it was Danni who brought it up. Simon declares this the Matt and Rebecca show. Wow. Imagine how dull that would be.

Treyc: She sings my karaoke song, Aerosmith’s I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing. And yes, the song is mine. She looks absolutely beautiful. Even the background screen makes it seem like she’s singing from heaven. Unfortunately, she’s speeding through the song like a train. Unfortunately, after her performance she’s allowed to speak.

One Direction: They sing We’re The Kids In America, which is another lie, since they’re in London. Simon and Cheryl give a standing O. Louis complains that it is not an American Anthem since it…em…isn’t, but it has the word America in it, so it’s grand.

And that is that. My favorite of the night was Rebecca, and I think Wagner and Treyc (and possibly Katie) are in trouble, though I wouldn’t mind to see Mary get the boot.

What did you think? Who was your favorites/least favorites? Sound off in the comments below!

Follow me on Twitter @CiaraMoyna