THE X FACTOR UK “Live Show 2” Review

X Factor Live Show 2

THE X FACTOR UK “Live Show 2” Series 7 – We’re back for another round of The X Factor. Will Paije be dressed as a penguin? Will Katie be wearing clothes (y’know, as opposed to the garbage bag from last week)? Will Louis say something unintentionally creepy? Let’s find out shall we. (Oh, yes, the performances. We’ll watch those too).

Storm: Up first is the failed rockstar. He reveals that he has dreams about Simon Cowell. He appears on a motorcycle singing Born To Run. Two words: Emmy Glee. It is truly awful. Not even amusing awful. He’s got about six friends clapping. Dannii likes the look. Cheryl doesn’t think this is him. She wants to see who he truly is. We all know how this is solved on The X Factor: sing ‘This Is Me’! Sing ‘This Is Me’!

Treyc: She is singing Purple Rain, which is my drunk song. That and My Heart Will Go On. I have only ever heard two fantastic renditions of the song: Prince himself, and Ruth Lorenzo from series 5 of The X Factor. Treyc is no Ruth. But she has really nice teeth. Louis thinks she is Tina Turner. Simon thinks she’s gorgeous. He also thinks she’s a dark horse.

Paije: He may just collapse on stage, which would be more entertaining that his massacre of Alicia Keys. Louis says he’s got bucket loads of talent. Simon is confused about the dancers. Oh my god. Dannii just said “these days” in a sentance with “young and hip and cool”. No, Dannii. Stop it.

One Direction: Their Musical Hero is Kelly Clarkson. That’s….actually quite believable. Luckily no one dies onstage. The audience is screaming over Louis. Simon thinks they’re the most exciting pop band in the country. Cheryl told them they’re adorable, which I’m sure has just fulfilled all of their fantasies. Ever.

Cher: Cher sings Hard Knock Life. She makes it quite clear that it is her risk, not Cheryl’s. Louis pulls his comments out of the tabloids. Simon thinks she could sing the telephone book, which I think would be quite dull. Dannii didn’t really like it, but she refers to the present as “these days” so we’ll ignore her contribution and hit rewind.

John Adeleye: John Adeleye is apparently a contestant. I keep forgetting his existence because he possesses a -10 on the charisma scale. Even the camera work hates him. He seems really nice, but Louis keeps giving him these silly romantic soulful songs, the songs you only hear in romcom flicks or your granny’s kitchen. Stop it, Louis!

Diva Fever: AKA this year’s Jedward sing Streisand, just in case anyone was in any doubts that they were lacking in the camp factor (that was a pun. I didn’t capitalize because my heart isn’t really in it.) They are really fun.

Rebecca Ferguson: She sings Feeling Good by Nina Simone, which is possibly the greatest song OF ALL TIME (at least it has the honor of being the most played song on my ipod). She may die because her shoulders aren’t pushed back. Oh, they’re doing the Muse version. Please don’t mess it up! Please! Her inflections are cool. Her falsetto is awesome. My favorite performance.

Aiden: Aiden sings Jealous Guy by John Lennon. Intensity is his thing. It’s sort of a spastic performance. Good is not the word for it…interesting would be better. Louis wants to see Aiden in bedrooms. As a poster. Cheryl thought the performance was shaky and Simon agrees. Louis looks heartbroken. Aiden looks like he wants to stab someone.

Wagner: Wagner has a photo of him holding a lion’s tale. A real life lion’s tale. He has my vote. He doesn’t even have to sing. He held a LION’S TALE. He sings Just help yourself. No! Stop it! Don’t pigeonhole him in the Whacky Slot, Louis! Please! Dannii wants to know if he sang in English. Simon inspires tabloid coverage, which, because it was acknowledged, will now disappear.

Katie: She is going to sell her bones so avoid another sing off. Or something. She’s New Katie. Unlike Danyl she can’t shave her head, but she does wear a necklace on her neck. She sings I Would Rather Go Blind very well. Everyone loves her, though I did giggle at Simon’s “it’s a high-class problem” remark.

Belle Amie: They have a tiff over their arrangement which is so going to lead to them going home. That and the actual performance of You Got Me Going, which I will totally refrain from punning. All I could think of was the Christmas recital in Mean Girls. Cheryl assures them that not everyone has to sing in a girlband to get noticed. Look at Victoria Beckham and…and…well…

Mary: She sings You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me. She gets all the cheers and she breaks down again. Aw… Everyone loves her…well…I’m not particularly fond of her singing, which is more like shouting, but we’ll keep that on the d.l, as they say these days. Yo.

Matt: The internet loves Matt. I don’t know why. He seems sweet but this is one of those cultural phenomenons I just don’t get. Like Jedward or Digimon (yes, I kept my loyalty to Pokemon). He sings Just The Way You Are. I think they should have a girl lying on a divan in front of him. That would be awesomely creepy. The judges love him. And money.

Well, that’s that. What did you think? There were no legendary performances (like the ones Ruth Lorenzo or Diana Vickers pulled out every week) but it was a good show. My favorite performers were Cher and Rebecca. How about you? And who do you think will be heading home? My money’s on John Adeleye and Storm. Sound off in the comments below!

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