THE X FACTOR UK “Auditions 5, Series 7” Review

X FACTOR UK - ITV - Auditions 5 Series 7

The fifth round of auditions of The X FACTOR UK are upon us! Nicole Scherzinger, AKA the only one who could sing from the Pussycat Dolls, is acting guest judge, filling in for Cheryl with her malaria (in case you missed the million adverts), and totally eclipsing the memory that was Danni Minogue. Here are the acts, the good, the bad and the plastic.

Rebecca Ferguson-a single mother of two small children, she is also studying at law school. As soon as you hear that you know she’s not a floozy. She sings sort of like Duffy. I like that she never tried to belt out the song, though her lack of confidence, as Simon said, was distracting, but at this stage of the game it’s almost strategically wise to go in with overtly obvious flaws so your growth is obvious (oh good grief, did I just analyze that? Somebody slap me!)

Rachel Chu-not since…well, last week’s X Factor, have my ears hurt so much. It’s a big resounding ‘no’ from all judges.

Chloe Victoria-she is one of those girls. Tina Fey called them ‘plastics’ in Mean Girls. She spends three hours on her hair and make-up which only makes her look worse, with those hideous spidery eyelashes and the orange guck you could scrape off her face. She tries singing a cappella, and she sings Summertime decently enough. When she’s forced to sing a different song to a backing track she’s horrible, but then she sings a cappella again-over the booing audience and Louis, who is in his Lady Fontleroy mode, snickering and sneering and trying to mush her dream-and she’s decent once again. Nicole Scherzinger gives Chloe a chance, seeing some potential, bravely doing what Pixie Lott last week could not and going against the audience. She also gives her the good advice to get rid of some of the make-up, though I doubt she heard. Simon agrees with Nicole and Chloe is through. I’d say she’ll be lucky to make it to judge’s house, but I’d love to wipe Louis’ sneer off with a place in the top twelve. I’d vote for her just to spite the stupid sputtering old man. Dream musher! Yeah, you heard me. I went there.

Oh, and hear hear for Nicole for not going down the Cheryl/Danni Minogue route and questioning Chloe’s revealing outfit. I mean, it would have been rather hypocritical coming from a Pussycat Doll, but Cheryl and Danni are no nuns either.

Hazel Jackson-she is insane. And she really needed to wear a bra. She fancies Louis Walsh. Excuse me, I’ve just given myself a concussion. She’s horrific, she’s out.

Aiden Grimshaw-he sings a different arrangement to Kanye West’s Gold Digger. He’s basically a Cher Lloyd lite. Maybe if his segment had aired before hers I would have been more impressed…well, no. I’ve seen 3oh3!’s ‘Starstrukk’ turned into an operatic performance by Marina & the Diamonds. After seeing that, few song arrangements can really shock me.

Yulia Minguel-From the Netherlands, she came to the English version of the show because England is the European Capital of Music-her words, definitely not mine. She got Nicole Scherzinger out of her seat and hooting. She has a great voice, she was a total party. She’s through with enthusiasm.

All in all, it was a good episode of The X Factor. The performances were largely so-so, but the episode was saved from oblivion by a surprisingly astute and charming Nicole Scherzinger. I hope the rumors are true and she will be filling in as a judge on Simon’s US version of The X Factor.

What did you think of the episode? Any standouts? Yay or nay for Nicole’s judging performance? Leave your comments below!

Follow me on Twitter @CiaraMoyna